Jason's Untimely Thoughts

When I was in high school (glory days) I was at some church youth group thing at our co-youth directors’ house in their living room (this was, obviously, before they got divorced because she was cheating on him with another student at the localish Baptist college life lesson).  Someone conversationally asked what we wanted to be when we grew up…  My reply was “normal”.  Trying to be funny, of course, trying to get out of answering, and then being 16-17 there was some truth to that wish.

Here I sit 20 years later basically wishing for the same thing.  For me, but more importantly for the kids.  And I have no idea how to go about finding normal, except spending enough time doing whatever we’re doing that it becomes the new normal.  I know this will always have been normal to Adelaide & Jack, but that’s almost the most frustrating part of this thought process.  They’ll largely have no idea what they missed out on with Sarah nor who they would have become.  They’re still great kids and I still expect them to be great kids and people, but I constantly find myself disgusted that they were robbed of their mom and that normal.

For me, I have literally no idea what normal is now.  What’s a 37-year old widower with two (for now) pre-school kids do?  Do I even call myself a widower, that seems like a 1920s term?  Wedding band or not?  I’m wearing it, but for how long?  When I fill out a form that’s choices are Married, Single, Divorced, which do I check?  When I remember that Seinfeld said the “widower story tested through the roof”, does that make me an insensitive (to myself?) ass?  I clearly need some time to be an adult, but how do I justify doing that instead of spending every possible minute with the kids?  When I cry at Sarah’s grave, is that normal?  When I don’t, is that?  When I don’t go out there for 3-4 days in a row, partly because I’m sick of the previous thoughts, even though it’s about 100 steps from my house, is that normal?  How do I make sure the kids have a normal life when everyone is focused on making sure their absolute every need is met at every moment of every day?

And is ‘being normal’ what I really want, or am I again just trying to amuse myself while avoiding answering?