Jason's Untimely Thoughts

I’m hearing tales of Sarah showing up in people’s dreams.  Good stories, all.  Speaking to them (in some cases) and telling them very true truths.  Or sometimes just being around.  Again, good stories all, and I’m comforted by the fact the truths jive with my opinions.

What’s it say about me that it’s not happening in my case?  Seems like there are two options, either you believe Sarah is choosing to show up in their dreams, which translates negatively to me.  Or you believe those folks are choosing to have Sarah in their dreams and therefore I’m not… again, translating negatively to me.

While it’s true that I only extremely rarely remember my dreams, you’d have to think I would remember Sarah being in them, no?  Perhaps it means I’m simply “not ready”, whatever in the world that means.

There’s some credence to the not ready theory by my inability to sit in silence.  The minute the house is empty I turn on the stereo, when everyone goes to bed I sit and watch TV until I’m ready to fall immediately asleep.  If I have to flip endlessly until 2 am, so be it.  I seem to need the noise.

After the ceremony people were ‘amazed’ by my ability to speak during the event.  While I was fairly certain I’d make it through that OK, mostly because I needed to, I’m still waiting for my breakdown.

My feeling is that my breakdown will only come whenever I’m at a point when I don’t need to keep it together, but I can’t imagine when that will be.  I could leave town for a week, leaving the kids in someone’s care, and try to force the situation.  That has entered my mind.  Force some silence or go drink a bunch of bourbon every night and see what happens.

Even beyond the drinking, though, doesn’t seem like a very healthy option.  And I keep coming back to how could I possible leave the kids again so soon after everything.  And that I continue to over-analyze every little thing of every little thing, maybe so I can avoid my bigger issues.