Jason's Untimely Thoughts

The kids just went to sleep.  After being on a pretty good roll of “big kid bedtime”, where they go to bed by themselves, lured by the promise of being able to watch as much of the movie as they want to, the last few days are back to the need someone to lay with them stage.  I didn’t really mind it last night, but tonight I was ready for some space and my own thoughts.

Ridiculous enough that I didn’t want to lay with the kids while they went to sleep, even moreso since they spent the four previous nights in Malden with my folks.  During that time, I did every version of every thing that I could think of to fill the empty hole in the house and my chest and stomach.  Whether it was going out with friends, doing randomness to fill the time, or doing absolutely nothing, most of the thoughts were (naturally) of the things that were missing, including the kids.  Then exactly one night later, and I’m ready for my space.

Like most everything else, it’s a silly example of a rapidly changing state of being emotionally jacked up in wildly swinging ways.  No matter what I try to do, or think I want to do, I end up feeling not right.  I should either be happier or sadder, more involved or less involved, get on with stuff or how dare I even consider it.  I have a hard time hanging around friends and family, coming up with anything to say even, but then really want to spend more time with friends and family.  I end up regretting whatever I decide I might want to do, questioning myself like a teenager.

It’s all easier when the kids are around, because the decisions boil down to what’s going to work best for them.  Or that’s my cop out at least.

Things are going better than this reads.  Definitely a ‘get it out of my system’ post.  Going to the Nebraska game this weekend.  That means I’m booked for 11 of the 12 (13 of the 14) Tiger games.  Odds I really miss the 14th game are becoming slimmer.

When we first bought our house, Sarah bought (or someone gave us (editor’s note:  was purchased in Paris for us)) a gargoyle that has been placed in our (old) kitchen window ever since.  Looking back out toward the cemetery, naturally, to ward away evil spirits as all gargoyles are assigned.  Saturday night after the football game I walked out to Sarah’s grave and sat for a bit.  As it got dark I glanced over to our house, to see that gargoyle looking back at me.

It was the first time I’d been out there near dark and with that kitchen light on, I guess, but it was clear as day and was clearly wrong.  So, gargoyle is now standing guard in the front flower bed, hopefully it will ward off moles and Jehovah’s Witnessers.

We had Adelaide’s 6th Birthday party on Sunday, with a great time had by all.  When Sarah & I went to New Orleans for the first visit, I Googled restaurants and came upon “Cafe Adelaide and the Swizzle Stick Bar” which was evidently nice and near our hotel, so made reservations there.  On the second trip, as I’ve mentioned before, our friends Melissa & Jason took care of reservations there for the whole family, including the tab.  The staff was aware of the circumstances and the naming coincidence, so we were treated like Adelaide owned the place.  Sarah jokingly called it her “last supper”, which of course makes me cringe and cry in memory.

At that lunch, it was decided that Adelaide’s birthday party would be themed Cafe Adelaide too.  Again being aware of the circumstances, the staff of the real restaurant in New Orleans sent two boxes full of stuff to us to use — ribbon, placemats, swizzle sticks, bread bags, matches, and considerably more.  Grandmothers and Grand Neighbors took that and ran, coming up with more and more, combining and creating to build the party from there.

Our Cafe Adelaide

Adelaide and three of her friends then went to a fancy lunch at the Country Club on Sunday.  Hats, diamond rings and earrings, scarves, candy-filled match books, and more awaited them.  Afterwards, they joined a mass of people in our backyard for a party (which was mostly a 2-hour bounce house session).  I think it’s safe to say that every kid there had a great time, none more than Adelaide & JT.  Enormous thanks to the grandmothers and grand neighbors for pulling that off.

Gift Bags

I have posted some photos of the day, with more sure to come, but am struggling editing down to post here.  I’m used to our kids and old friends being used to becking.com and the general assumption that stuff will end up there.  However, with the onset of kindergarten and kindergarten friends and parents, and most people’s, um, paranoia about such things, I’m trying to not post other kids’ photos.

AEB

Finally, rain and rainbows keep coming up.  While the only thing definitive is that it’s a coincidence that’s becoming meaningful to me, there are reports of very large and vivid rainbows being seen on the most notable dates of late:  on July 7, on the day of Sarah’s party, on Adelaide’s first day of kindergarten, and yesterday after Adelaide’s birthday party, a ginormous rainbow appeared to the east, looking over the cemetery.

Cafe Adelaide Invite/Placemat (created by the neighbors)

Cafe Adelaide Invite/Placemat (created by the folks in New Orleans)

The Tigers finish the preseason on Saturday when they host the Buffalo Bills, I mean Buffalo Jills, I mean Buffalo Bulls, at 1:00 p.m. Like the other 58,000 in attendance, we’ll have some wings at the tailgate in honor of Buffalo. Various others have said they’re bringing various other things, so stop by and eat and drink. I’ll be there by 10:00 or so.

The following is from the official athletic website of the University of Buffalo: “the Buffalo Bulls are looking to shock the world this weekend and upset the #5 ranked Missouri Tigers at home. With big performances on both sides of the ball, there’s no limit to what these Bulls may be capable of until both sides put on their pads on Saturday.”

Corret, there is no limit until both sides put on their pads. After that, there is a substantial limit to what Buffalo can do. They’re limited to losing, in fact. 58-17 is your final score as the Tigers once again light up the scoreboard against a former Husker in preparation for lighting up the scoreboard in Lincoln in two weeks.

Further on the Bull topic, “ha ha” to the beakers.  Screw ku.

My phone junked up on me Saturday during the football game.  It still works, if you call the phone, e-mail, and text messaging being unavailable working.

So, if you’ve sent me text messages or left me voice mails over the past few days, I haven’t read nor listened to them.  I think I’m back to working now, although I’ve temporarily regressed phones.

Just posting this in case you’re wondering if I’m ignoring you.

The Tigers second home contest of the year, versus the Nevada Wolfpack, is Saturday at 11:30.  Originally on pay per view, the game will now be on Fox Sports due to Hurricane Ike.   I realize Ike will not likely make it to Missouri, but there’s no point using logic with Fox.

In Ike’s honor, rain is in the forecast, lots of rain potentially.  It will go well with the lots of points we’ll score.  It will not go so well with tailgating, so we’ll likely get there by 9:30 or so with limited tailgate action.  If the kids accompany, we’ll be there in time for Tiger Walk.  If not, you might even have to look for us elsewhere in Lot D as I’m not sure we’ll make it in time to claim a muddy spot on the grass.  So, to recap, because of the poor weather, early start time, etc., I’m only planning on going to the game 2 hours before it starts to sit in the rain.  I’m slipping.

Nevada is considerably better than SEMO, losing to Texas Tech last week 35-19.  They were able to contain TT offense better than most, so it might be a battle to get our 52 points this week.  52-20 is my prediction.

Adelaide told me last night I should retire so I could play more golf.  When the topic of money was raised, she said we could either resurrect their lemonade stand or put out an envelope that people could put money in.  I would get half, she would get half, and Jack would get half.  Election year math has made its way to Grant Elementary.

The red-legged shoe wearing prairie chickens play at South Florida this evening.  South Florida is coached by Jim Leavitt, an All Big 8 football and baseball player for Mizzou in the 1970s.  Go South Florida, you’re the Bull.  On  a side note, screw ku.

The three of us went to dinner tonight at the country club.  Was very good, mostly empty, just sat and talked and ate while watching it rain outside.

Adelaide says “You should retire so you could come out here and go golfing.”  Yes, I should.  But how would we pay for the country club, if I didn’t work?  “You’d still get money.  Or we could put out an envelope or something, and you’d get half, I’d get half, and Jack would get half.”  Election Season math.  “Plus, you’d get to spend more time with us!”.  Awwwww.

At home then, turned on some music so she could dance and put on a show.   That lasted for about 30 minutes, until it was bedtime.  I then played two Dixie Chicks songs, Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) and Lullaby.  I started listening to a lot of Dixie Chicks before we went to New Orleans, still seem to come up a ton when my iPod is on random, and they commonly remind me of Sarah.  Played those two songs for a moment of quiet time, before we go to bed.  Near the end of the second one, Jack, who has been hugging me for most of the two songs, looks up and says “I miss mommy.”  Awwww again.

Awwww ruined as Adelaide gets mad because I won’t play a Hannah Montana song next, bed time fight is on (but short).

I hear there are supposed to be stages of grief… Sadness, Denial, Anger, Whatnot.

Bunk, I say.  Stages would imply that it transitions from one to another, maybe not easily, but clearly over time.  In practice, it seems each of those alleged stages is front and center constantly.  Not a stage, but a sticker that is worn with all the others.

I still think Sarah should walk in any time.  I know she’s not going to, but she should.  After the football games, she should come walking across the bridge, tired from the game and carrying all her junk, so I can talk to her about what the day was like and we can each be the (relatively) sober people hanging around the tailgate for each other.

She should be walking Adelaide to school each morning, taking part in the mom happy hour on the playground each afternoon, and hustling to dance class on Tuesday nights.  She should be the one planning Adelaide’s 6th birthday party and working to get JT toilet trained.

She should have been at Boone Hospital on Tuesday, holding her new neice.  She should be taking photos of the new five-member family.  And buying her, or more likely making her, a cute onesy or something.  She should be the one doing that so much that I can’t even bring myself to try to go buy Lydia something instead.

So that’s all sadness, denial, and anger right there.  In most things, I am able to rationalize my way to what’s “right”.  Even if in disagreement, we’d always been typically able to at least understand why decisions were made, or what that person might have been thinking at the time.

Without delving into a huge religious discussion, there’s been nothing clearer to me ever than the fact that absolutely nothing about this is “right”.  Two months out, it’s still completely unfair and absolutely not right.  Not just to the kids or to me, but to everyone else that reads my random spewings.

Congratulations to Mike & Sarah on the arrival of Lydia Rose!  She was born this afternoon, weighing 8 lbs 12 oz.  Mike says she “will need every pound to handle the daily wrestling matches with her older brothers.”  All five of the family are doing well, we hope to see them tonight.

Lydia Rose

I’d started to write earlier today, but couldn’t collect my thoughts.  Glad I get to post something on a happier topic.

Below is a photo of the “Mizzou Media Hall of Fame” area in the pressbox at Faurot Field.  Chad Moller and the Media Relations office hung a framed photo of Sarah there (that photos is also below, courtesy of Kyle Coburn) in preparation for tomorrow’s first home game.

It should be noted that the “Mizzou Media Hall of Fame” is seemingly a pretty informal thing.  I’m not expecting any public anything, just a nice way for those that worked with Sarah at these events to remember and honor her.

I’ll try to take a better picture or two sometime when the light is better and there’s less going on.

Faurot Field Pressbox

Sarah Becking, Photographer

Greetings football fans,

There’s a lot of things that make this not seem like a football weekend, including the fact that I simply haven’t been interested in typing this e-mail. In the name of normalcy, however, here it be.

The Tigers take Step #2 on their way to a 14-0 season on Saturday, when they play the Missouri State University – Cape Girardeau Red Hawks at 6:00 p.m. Oh wait, not all directional schools that were formerly teachers colleges got to change their name? The RedHawks are seemingly miserable, barely escaping with a win over an even smaller school last week. (Note I could easily make another joke about SMS here, but I pass.) William Moore, All American Safety from Hayti in the SEMO region isn’t playing this game, hurting our chances a little. I predict 57-3. A cake walk.

Game time is at 6:00 p.m., tailgating again in Lot D. As has become the norm, first game is also the Miller’s tailgate, so will be joined by 180 or so coworkers. Food provided by Buckingham’s, served beginning around 3:45. Blue and Red beverages provided from Belgium.

With the late start, Mangino and the boys will be attending our game as well… can’t pass up a cake walk. Screw ku.