Jason's Untimely Thoughts

I had a pretty good week last week, especially considering Wednesday night was filled with a vomiting 6-year old.  Nothing headline worthy — it didn’t start raining gumballs or anything, but a good week.  A couple of very enjoyable lunches, nothing really irritating happened at work, Shakespeare’s for at least one meal, lots of laughter, and so on.  Easy to please, but a good week.

It was topped by my mom calling Thursday night late saying they were going to come up over the weekend, if that was OK.  It certainly was, both because it had been a bit since we’d seen them (which now means something like 3 or 4 weeks, given the habits of the latter part of 2008), and because it was going to give me some time out.

So, then Friday I made last-minute plans to meet relatively new friends out for the night.  I was bubbling with excitement and couldn’t wait to go.  That went well, a good time was had by all (I think).  Being this was a normal Friday night for them, they went home.  I went out further, ran into another group of relatively new friends at the second stop, continued fun.

Then woke up Saturday with a guilty conscious to go along with my headache, and the former remained with me for the duration of the weekend.  I feel guilty for wanting to be away from the kids.  I feel guilty for sleeping in late both days and letting my parents deal with the kids.  I feel guilty that I believe they’re better off and happier when other people are entertaining them.  I feel guilty for not just going out on Friday night, but for making every effort to keep going to keep the good times going.

After a couple of conversations with various people earlier in the month, I’ve also quit wearing my wedding ring.  I still have to stop myself from putting it on when I grab stuff in the morning.  I’d given much thought to how much time was appropriate, had thought about various anniversaries, etc., but in the end just stopped one morning when it seemed like I was lieing by putting it on.

However, going out and having fun with no wedding ring also seemed like a lie.  It made no difference to the amount of attention paid to me or paid to others by me (and never has, despite urban legends of a ring being an attractor/detractor), but was something else that was on my mind during the fun.

Finally, because it’s come up a few times from different directions, I have no idea how dating works in my situation.  Everyone seems to assume or recognize that I’ll likely eventually date again and likely even eventually marry again.  Even me.  However, how does that happen?  How can I even consider it and be fair and true to the kids and to Sarah?  And when can that happen?  How can I even consider it and pretend I’ll be any good for someone new in my current state?  Seems like any potential date should get a warning from others:  this guy is jacked up for a while, you might just milk it for a free meal or two then leave him alone.  Like anyone I might actually even want to date, I really wouldn’t want to put them through that.  And if I wait until I’m sure I’ll be any good for someone, are we confident the world will exist that long?