Jason's Untimely Thoughts

A year ago today we were in New Orleans, preparing for they days ahead.  Surgery was June 26, so we would have been doing MRIs and whatnot today.  It’s impossible to summarize the past year in any way that’s concise, witty, or insightful.   All I can say is the dramatic understatement that things were substantially better before, but have continued to improve since.  I guess it’s progress that I’m mostly not even all that angry about it anymore.

The entire situation would be a wreck without the wonderful assistance of our next door neighbors, all of them.  The addition of Megan to the mix has also saved me.  Public thanks to all of them, to the grandparents and aunts and uncles, and to the parents of Adelaide’s friends who have been so helpful this year.  Seriously, I’m not sure I could have made it this far without the help.

Work is going fine (the recession is over, spread the word).  Home life is steady, if not superior.  Adelaide made it through kindergarten with flying colors and with some new great friends.  Grant School is simply wonderful — the faculty, staff, students, and parents.  It is unquestionable that adding Stella and Anna to Adelaide’s circle (and the additional support of their families) helped her tremendously.  Long term that will be at least three good friends that will be visitable by bike ride.

Jack looks and acts about a year older than he is, mostly because that’s who he hangs around with at pre-school.  He’s there again this summer for 2 days/week, then will be there full-time in the fall, although he will be in a different class for the first time (he’ll be a Bear, not a Star, which seems appropriate).

Both kids are swimmers now, although JT is still limited to the shallow portion.  His swim routine is mostly grab pool toy, throw pool toy, swim to bottom to retrieve pool toy, repeat.  Adelaide had her hair re-pinked (thanks Tia), but combination of chlorine and sunshine de-pinked in less than a week.

Personally, I’m making progress.  For example, I can go out for a night of fun with friends without spending the next day/week feeling nothing but guilty.  Maybe by this time next year I’ll also be able to do that without spending the next day hungover too.   It’s still jacked up and I definitely have moments of massive frustration, but I’m either better able to cope, better able to recover, or better able to avoid.  I’m still not able to have many real conversations with many people, but generally that’s due to lack of time and opportunity.  Someone told me that I wouldn’t likely feel normal for at least a year.  They definitely got the “at least” part right… no idea when it will happen, or perhaps when I’ll come to the realization that the way I feel now is the new normal.

Every day in our house is a race to bedtime.  I don’t believe that’s substantially different than any other house with working parents and young children, but I sure didn’t notice it as much a year ago.  All of us being tired leads to all of us being grouchy which means we’re all better off if the kids go to bed.  A difference is probably my then continued avoidance of bedtime.  The quiet is nice.  The chance to finish whatever is nice.  But mostly the idea of going to the bedroom before being way past ready to go to sleep is still extremely unappealing.

I also have random fantasies about simply escaping.  There was a reason Tom Hanks’ character was Sleepless in Seattle, not Sleepless in Wherever they’d lived originally.  A different location with a new start can certainly seem appealing.  As can weekends spent elsewhere.  On that topic, our recent trip to Colorado was good for all involved.  Thanks again to Chris and all for the work and excellent results there.

Back to one year ago, July 7 will always be a memorable day, but it is not an anniversary in our house (I came to this realization after the Colorado trip).  I’ve long planned to give some money in Sarah’s name to a few charities, so July 7 will be a good time to complete that goal (another step toward recession being over, spread the word).  Otherwise, there will be no ceremony or special remembrances for us.  We continue to miss and talk about Sarah every day.  We will continue to miss her, to love her, and to talk about her, while hopefully continuing to make small steps of progress going forward from here too.

Thanks to all of you for the continued love and support along the way.  Go hug your friends and family.  and on a side note, screw ku.