Jason's Untimely Thoughts

It seems most of the junk I’ve written here over the past many months has had one thing or another to do with either missing what used to be normal or what the new normal would be.

Unfortunately, I’ve realized normal is nothing more than exactly what I’ve made it over this period of time.  Waiting has become the normal.  Not being nearly productive enough around the house, not entertaining the kids enough, and generally being or acting miserable one way or another.  I still don’t go to sleep easily nor sleep well, so stay up late to avoid the whole scene.  I do nothing during that time, though, except waste time, and the cycle repeats the following days until I’m tired and grouchy(ier).

The kids are back to having a regular sitter on Thursday nights, which gives me some free time.  My taking advantage of it has pretty much been limited to wasting time one way or another until a reasonable time to go home comes.  I circle the car lots, the neighborhoods, or the neighborhood bars, generally in that order.  The times when the kids are out of town I tend to either hit downtown (too hard), do nothing around the house, or both.

I still haven’t cooked a real meal and we don’t really have anything that we like to do together.  Week days are a race till bedtime, weekends are a drag until bedtime, with way too much time filled by the television every day.  It makes no sense, but I feel a bit like I’ve lost being a dad to the kids, now solely fill the mom role.  Except I don’t fill that role at all so much as avoid it.  Other people cook, clean, and do our laundry (** not that those are the “mom role”, just examples of my avoidance), I just get the kids up, dressed, and then back to bed.

We need to start over.  Both the above stuff, and just me personally.  While not likely, I’m momentarily acting like I’d consider any version of anything that starting over might mean.  New house, new neighborhood, new job, new city, new state, whatever.  All the reasons that I like Columbia aren’t worth much if we spend 90% of our time in our house or our backyard.

Kids should go outside and play, or go to the kids’ house down the street and play, but it doesn’t happen in our neighborhood, and likely won’t ever.  I keep saying that in 3-4 more years that won’t matter much, but it matters now.  My sanity, their happiness, and their habits would all be better with more kids around.  Playdates don’t really happen that much for the dad & the kids.  Maybe they don’t happen for anyone, I don’t know.

No matter how much we need to start over, though, I don’t want to.  I don’t want to move (although I will consider beach-front offers).  I have a better job than I deserve.  I never intended to go out on another first date again, ever.  Although I’ve tried that minimally, I seem to still have pretty limited interest in that (sorry to those minimally impacted).  I know I have little interest in dealing with dating and the kids.  And when I think about dating, I end up with the firm conviction that I only want to go on dates with someone that I know well that I don’t know at all.  A convenient definition of a person that doesn’t exist.

Six paragraphs of saying I wish things would go back to the way they were before, I guess.  I miss Sarah, I miss the partnership, and I miss the companionship.  I’m not sure that I should ever not wish for that, but it seems like I should wish for that less frequently, at least.   And I don’t want to start over on that part.  It annoys me greatly, in fact.

Spring will help.  Everywhere I go it seems people are tired of the weather, me included.  Just a chance to get outside and do stuff will be great and is much much needed.  We’ll start over that way, if nothing else.  A work trip to Vegas, post-season basketball tournaments, and Spring Break in Florida should help as well. Hopefully writing it here will help as well — force me to break the bad habits that I’ve allowed to form, some of them at least.

Go hug your friends and family, and on a side note, screw ku.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything, so here’s a bullet-point laden entry.  Also known as the easy way out.

• We officially have reservations for Disney on Spring Break.  Will be going on a Disney Cruise for a few days, then staying at the Animal Kingdom Lodge for a few days of fun and Disney parkdom.  I told the kids, probably mistakenly, that we might see animals while at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, so now they’re fully expecting to open the door of our room and see giraffes and zebras and bears, oh my.   I have no idea what to expect of the cruise.  I fully expect scars on my ankles from the strollers bashing into me at the parks.
• We went to the mall on Sunday to spend the kids’ Christmas gift cards.  Jack chose a new “sleeping buddy” and a dinosaur book.  Adelaide also selected a book, but then went with new sunglasses and some make up.  And really really really wanted a new swimsuit.  That one or that one or that one, please please please please.  A threshold has been crossed, I think.
• Jack takes a sleeping buddy to pre-school every day.  Today he took a skunk, but comforted the teacher that “it’s not a real one”.
• Adelaide is writing two books with friends at school, for fun it seems.  She’s also supposedly written a poem about Sarah.  I’ve yet to see or read any of this.
• Flying private beats every previous method of transportation known to man or beast, but probably not everything known to an Avatar.
• January and February seem particularly busy this year, I’m not sure what that’s all about.  Last year I seem to remember being extremely slow, bored, and looking for things to do during these months.  Both at home and at work, there seems to be more movement this year.
• The Tigers basketball home-court winning streak ended last night.  Against all natural instincts, but at the request of my boss, I gave tickets to four of the best seats in the entire arena to some people from our facility in kansas.  That sort of bad mojo simply can’t be overcome.  (and all you ku fans who talked trash at me last night and today, safe to say you were doing so while wearing your Muck Fizzou shirt?  and while writing a poem about how classy ku fans are?)
• I’m going to go to Vegas for a work trip in March.  Or maybe I’m not.  Or maybe I am.  Or I’m not.  I’m going to go to the Big 12 Tournament in KC right after that.  Or maybe I’m not.  Or maybe I am.  Or I’m not.
• Columbia schools are out three days in February.  A Monday and Friday of the same week, then the following Friday.  Insert previous rants about intelligent design of school calendar here.
• I feel like I used to write funny stuff sometimes in this space, but haven’t written anything funny in a long time.  Sad, as there’s simply little better than laughing at your own jokes.  An awful trait, but I write funnier when I’m mad.  A sign of progress, but really the only things that make me truly mad are work-related now.  And since your work probably makes you mad too, and I like my job and workplace generally and have no interest in finding another one, funny work-related rantings will have to wait until my anonymous column pops up.  Maybe under the name of Jane Doe?  Or John Cocktoestun?  Dr. Rosenrosen?
• Megan is now watching the kids (almost) every Thursday.  So, I now have almost every Thursday evening free and mostly find myself just wanting to go home and relax.
• After previously bowing out of our dinner club, I charmed my way back in to the next meeting, which is Saturday night.  I also charmed my way out of cooking for the dinner club, yet again, in exchange for bringing beverages (and not making them eat what I prepared).  Anyone know of good Indian beer?  Or of an Indian beer?  And where to buy said beer in Mid-Mo?
• You can now have no more than 6 chickens in your backyard in Columbia, provided they’re in a nice chicken coop.  Someone should tell my neighbors, who’ve had chickens in their backyard for a few years now.  Yes, they stink sometimes, no matter what people that want to allow chickens in town might tell you.  I have a feeling the chickens in the neighborhood would bother me considerably more if they were next door, rather than next to next door.
• Multiple conversations about improved communication count considerably less than if people would just actually talk more and otherwise do what they said they were going to do.
• I’d like to completely retool the way becking.com looks, learn to play guitar, take better pictures, sleep better, and go see more live music.  I also watched every Grammy performance for the first time in years (ever?) and honestly enjoyed them all.
• screw ku.