Jason's Untimely Thoughts

The kids just went to sleep.  After being on a pretty good roll of “big kid bedtime”, where they go to bed by themselves, lured by the promise of being able to watch as much of the movie as they want to, the last few days are back to the need someone to lay with them stage.  I didn’t really mind it last night, but tonight I was ready for some space and my own thoughts.

Ridiculous enough that I didn’t want to lay with the kids while they went to sleep, even moreso since they spent the four previous nights in Malden with my folks.  During that time, I did every version of every thing that I could think of to fill the empty hole in the house and my chest and stomach.  Whether it was going out with friends, doing randomness to fill the time, or doing absolutely nothing, most of the thoughts were (naturally) of the things that were missing, including the kids.  Then exactly one night later, and I’m ready for my space.

Like most everything else, it’s a silly example of a rapidly changing state of being emotionally jacked up in wildly swinging ways.  No matter what I try to do, or think I want to do, I end up feeling not right.  I should either be happier or sadder, more involved or less involved, get on with stuff or how dare I even consider it.  I have a hard time hanging around friends and family, coming up with anything to say even, but then really want to spend more time with friends and family.  I end up regretting whatever I decide I might want to do, questioning myself like a teenager.

It’s all easier when the kids are around, because the decisions boil down to what’s going to work best for them.  Or that’s my cop out at least.

Things are going better than this reads.  Definitely a ‘get it out of my system’ post.  Going to the Nebraska game this weekend.  That means I’m booked for 11 of the 12 (13 of the 14) Tiger games.  Odds I really miss the 14th game are becoming slimmer.