Jason's Untimely Thoughts

It seems most of the junk I’ve written here over the past many months has had one thing or another to do with either missing what used to be normal or what the new normal would be.

Unfortunately, I’ve realized normal is nothing more than exactly what I’ve made it over this period of time.  Waiting has become the normal.  Not being nearly productive enough around the house, not entertaining the kids enough, and generally being or acting miserable one way or another.  I still don’t go to sleep easily nor sleep well, so stay up late to avoid the whole scene.  I do nothing during that time, though, except waste time, and the cycle repeats the following days until I’m tired and grouchy(ier).

The kids are back to having a regular sitter on Thursday nights, which gives me some free time.  My taking advantage of it has pretty much been limited to wasting time one way or another until a reasonable time to go home comes.  I circle the car lots, the neighborhoods, or the neighborhood bars, generally in that order.  The times when the kids are out of town I tend to either hit downtown (too hard), do nothing around the house, or both.

I still haven’t cooked a real meal and we don’t really have anything that we like to do together.  Week days are a race till bedtime, weekends are a drag until bedtime, with way too much time filled by the television every day.  It makes no sense, but I feel a bit like I’ve lost being a dad to the kids, now solely fill the mom role.  Except I don’t fill that role at all so much as avoid it.  Other people cook, clean, and do our laundry (** not that those are the “mom role”, just examples of my avoidance), I just get the kids up, dressed, and then back to bed.

We need to start over.  Both the above stuff, and just me personally.  While not likely, I’m momentarily acting like I’d consider any version of anything that starting over might mean.  New house, new neighborhood, new job, new city, new state, whatever.  All the reasons that I like Columbia aren’t worth much if we spend 90% of our time in our house or our backyard.

Kids should go outside and play, or go to the kids’ house down the street and play, but it doesn’t happen in our neighborhood, and likely won’t ever.  I keep saying that in 3-4 more years that won’t matter much, but it matters now.  My sanity, their happiness, and their habits would all be better with more kids around.  Playdates don’t really happen that much for the dad & the kids.  Maybe they don’t happen for anyone, I don’t know.

No matter how much we need to start over, though, I don’t want to.  I don’t want to move (although I will consider beach-front offers).  I have a better job than I deserve.  I never intended to go out on another first date again, ever.  Although I’ve tried that minimally, I seem to still have pretty limited interest in that (sorry to those minimally impacted).  I know I have little interest in dealing with dating and the kids.  And when I think about dating, I end up with the firm conviction that I only want to go on dates with someone that I know well that I don’t know at all.  A convenient definition of a person that doesn’t exist.

Six paragraphs of saying I wish things would go back to the way they were before, I guess.  I miss Sarah, I miss the partnership, and I miss the companionship.  I’m not sure that I should ever not wish for that, but it seems like I should wish for that less frequently, at least.   And I don’t want to start over on that part.  It annoys me greatly, in fact.

Spring will help.  Everywhere I go it seems people are tired of the weather, me included.  Just a chance to get outside and do stuff will be great and is much much needed.  We’ll start over that way, if nothing else.  A work trip to Vegas, post-season basketball tournaments, and Spring Break in Florida should help as well. Hopefully writing it here will help as well — force me to break the bad habits that I’ve allowed to form, some of them at least.

Go hug your friends and family, and on a side note, screw ku.