Jason's Untimely Thoughts

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!  Sadly, the happiest time of the year is coming to a close, as our beloved Tigers play their final home game of the season this Saturday.  Mizzou hosts the Florida Gators (chomp) with a bowl game invitation on the line for Mizzou and a termination slip on the line for no one’s favorite coach, Dan Mullen.  Mizzou shall win 31-24. Victory.  Victory!!  Go in early, cheer on the seniors.  

Florida — surprisingly bland.  That’s my description.  Kim & I went to a game there once. It was fine.  Like Lubbock with nicer weather maybe?  Except Tech would never let Samford score 50 points on them.  And then their current coach consistently starts, um, shit, and then shows up at the post-game press conference with a Darth Vader mask on.  And then his wife (maybe not anymore?) creepily greets every player with a kiss on the mouth as they’re getting off the bus before the game.  Bland, but gross.  Unusual, but mostly uninteresting.  Here this weekend, but unwanted.  Searching for a win to save his job, but unlikely (Later Gator).  Victory.  Victory!!

Kickoff is scheduled for 3:00 p.m., I’ll be at the tailgate way before that.  If you get there early enough, you can hang out with me and watch The Arsenal beat Liverpool on the telly.  Top of the table by Boxing Day!
We will have beverages at the tailgate.  We will presumably have some food, but I have no idea what.  We’re not planning a big spread this game, as I don’t think we willl have a big crowd this game.  I hope to be proven wrong, however (about the crowd, not about everyone hating Dan Mullen, the Gunners beating ‘pool, and Mizzou victory).  Bring food and friends if you like, happy to see everyone.   Except Dan Mullen, that guy, I tell ya.

Speaking of things I tell ya, screw ku (and point and laugh at Texas!).

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!  On Saturday, our beloved Tigers host the Gamecocks from South Carolina.  Kickoff is at 3:00 p.m.  After (what almost felt like) a dominant defensive performance at Georgia and a disappointing season for South Carolina (did they even play last week?), a 31-24 Tiger victory is in the forecast.

I’ll be at the tailgate full-time starting around 11:00, I’d think.  Stop by when you will.  Bill & Nancy are bringing ribs from southeast Missouri, always a popular meal.  Mike & Sarah are bringing chips from Lutz’s and baked beans.  Sides and desserts are always welcome, but did you already read we’re going to have ribs and chips and beans?  What more do you need?

If I’d have been more on the ball, I’d have incorporated my “Worst Carolina” subject line into a wurst-themed meal, but I wasn’t with it enough to think of that until now.  Or we could’ve gone with something funny about South Carolina’s mascot, but there’s objectively nothing funny about that.  Or we could’ve gone with chili, since, you know, it might be chilly.  Oh well, no one’s perfect.  Speaking of imperfection, screw ku.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!  On Saturday, our beloved Tigers continue their home winning ways against the Aggies from Texas A&M University.   

Texas A&M believes in tradition more than they believe in the sun.  Out of respect for our guests, the SEC gave us our standard time slot of 11:00 a.m. kickoff, which means early tailgating.  I’ll be there early, please come see me.  As is tradition for stupid 11:00 kickoff times, we will have breakfast tacos arriving again this week.  As has become tradition when Mizzou plays early Homecoming games against bad opponents, the following game turns into Homecoming 2, the Homecominger.  Lots of old faces back in town this weekend, so good times will be had.  Sides and desserts and Bloody Mary’s* and friends are good options for bringing.  Call Kim and Jason for all your speaking and bedding needs.

This would normally be the spot where I make fun of Aggies and all their stupid stuff.  And believe me, they have a metric ton of stupid stuff.  Last week the internet went crazy for a day or two when just a random recent Yell Practice video went viral.  They do that nonsense every game and it’s no where near the top of the Aggie stupid stuff list.  But then they beat Alabama and everyone quit laughing at them, so I shall follow suit and refrain from Aggie jokes.

However, after the Tigers beat the hell outta Texas A&M (whoop!) on Saturday, final score of 34-28, I shall tell anyone who will listen about their Howdy ways of planting dead dogs near the scoreboard so the dead dogs can always see the score of the game, how they only have the dead dogs as former mascots because a group of students ran over a dog once, and how saying “Gig em” while giving a basic thumbs up sign is almost worse than every other hand symbol used by all the other universities in Texas combined.  And so on.

*I’ve been writing these stupid things for many many years and I still have no idea how to properly pluralize “Bloody Mary.”  Speaking of many many years of stupid things, screw ku.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!  On Saturday, our beloved Tigers host the Mean Green from the University of North Texas for Homecoming.

If you know anything about Mizzou, you know about Homecoming.  If you know anything about homecoming at Mizzou, you know it’s unseasonably cool, raining, and the young students in fraternities and sororities are spending time learning important lessons about pomping while skipping classes.  You’ll be happy to know I have an inside source at the university that confirms all those things are true again this year!  Luckily, it looks like the rain will skip the festivities and football this year.  Unluckily, it seems like the unseasonably cool temps will probably leave before football as well.

We are having CoMo Smoke & Fire BBQ bring food to the tailgate this week.  Pulled pork, chicken, beans, potato salad, and mac and cheeeeeeeeeeese shall be on the menu.  As always, desserts and sides and friends are good bringing options, if you’re bringing options.  Food shall arrive around Noon, you should too.  Call Kim and Jason for all your speaking and bedding needs.  

The UNT MG’s were apparently founded by a random name generator.  No chance anyone down there voluntarily named something North.  Although everyone is statutorily obligated to follow any local place name with “Texas” (i.e. let’s go over to Killeen, Texas; my bank is down in Nacogdoches, Texas) lest you be mistakenly under the impression there is something worthwhile outside of Texas.  So North Texas, I sort of get.  But Mean Green?   Nothing says mean like a rhyming color.  Luckily, their football team is bad and terrible at all things except, what’s that, running the ball?  Oh well, beat the random names for homecoming, I say, 48-17 final score.

Speaking of potato salad on a hot day with a poorly named bad football team and other things that might spoil your stomach, screw ku.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!  On Saturday, once again, our beloved Tigers continue their unbeaten (at home) season when they face the Volunteers from the University of Tennessee.

Kickoff is once again scheduled at the awful time of 11:00 a.m.  I’ll once again be there earlier than that, see you then.  Mike & Sarah Messer are bringing a healthy portion of breakfast tacos.  As always, love to see anyone that stops by.  You should stop by.  Bring something if you like.

A good friend has taken to referring to Tennessee as “Orange Nebraska” and Nebraska as “Red Tennessee.”   I like that description very much and have co-opted it as my own joke.  They’re basically interchangeable football programs.  They used to be good, had a really good run, and then are deranged enough to believe that it is their birthright to always be that good (and will be again, probably not this year, but definitely next year).  And then they wear white jeans or orange overalls to drive home their point.

Luckily for all of our enjoyment, their football teams can’t live up to their deranged dreams, so they fire their football coaches every few years and we get to laugh at their losses.  This week we get to laugh at Orange Nebraska in person, as the Tigers win 38-30 and Josh Heupel’s offense controls the ball for approximately 17 minutes.

Go Tigers, beat Orange Nebraska.  Call Mike Messer at Shelter Insurance or Sarah Messer at Flat Branch Home Loans for all your insurance and home loan needs.  They have casts to pay for. 

Mizzou will be wearing their all black uniforms this week — the ninja look.  Speaking of things that sneak up on you and come out of nowhere but are also very predictable, screw ku.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans! On Saturday, our beloved Tigers continue their unbeaten (at home) season when they face the Red Hawks from SEMO. Kickoff is at 11:00 a.m., the game should be effectively over by 11:45 a.m. 52-10 is the final score.

Historically, 11:00 am games have poorly attended tailgates, but I’ll be there early. It’ll be a scaled down tailgate this week. I’ll be bringing somewhere between 3-5 chairs and a couple of coolers for additional seating. If you’d like something else, please bring it. Old time tailgate this week, hope to See You there.

I had a bunch of stuff written about how people in southeast Missouri should start taking the vaccine so they would, you know, stop dying in alarming numbers, especially before it impacts more of my friends and family than it already has. But I’m mostly deleting that and just going with this. Don’t be dumb. Get a vaccine. If you think you’re being dumb, stop.

Speaking of stupid things that suck, screw ku.

Happy New Year, Tiger fans! Or is this an old year? Last year? Another year? Same as the other year? Time has no meaning.

Anyway, on Saturday, our beloved Tigers host the Chippewas from Central Michigan University. A quick bit of internet research has told me that Chippewa is a Native American word meaning “get vaccinated you morons and then you won’t have to take whatever medicine OAN starts propping up next and kids can stay in school and we can have a normal football season and businesses can stay open.” It’s super weird that Native Americans knew about OAN.

Kickoff is at 3:00 p.m. The tailgate will start way before that. We are providing wings from CJ’s and D. Rowe’s. As always, anyone interested should provide your presence. Sides and desserts are good bringing options, if you’re bringing options.

I guess I should point out we’re in Lot D again. Also, the Tigers will be going 15-0. Lot D! 15-0! Lot D! Football! On a side note, screw ku.

Happy gray November day, Tiger fans,

On Saturday, our beloved Tigers close out the home football season with a victory over the Tennessee Volunteers. I’ll be at the tailgate early afternoon sometime. Bill & Nancy are bringing ribs from the Bootheel. As always, sides and desserts and friends and family are good things to bring to the tailgate, if you’re looking to bring something. Kickoff is scheduled for 6:30 p.m., but you should be inside well before then to clap and cheer for the seniors.

Mizzou’s 18 seniors are listed below:
– CB Demarkus Acy (captain)
– DB Ronnell Perkins (fifth year)
– WR Jonathan Nance (graduate transfer)
– QB Kelly Bryant (graduate transfer)
– WR Justin Smith (fifth year)
– WR Johnathon Johnson (fifth year)
– DB Richaud Floyd (fifth year)
– K/P Tucker McCann
– DB Khalil Oliver (graduate transfer)
– DL Franklin Agbasimere (fifth year)
– LB Jacob Trump (medically retired)
– LB Cale Garrett
– LB Joe Hoy
– OL Thomas Grossman
– OL Jonah Dubinski (medically retired)
– OL Yasir Durant
– OL Tre’Vour Wallace-Simms
– DL Tyrell Jacobs

Come on out and cheer for the seniors, it’ll be way too long before there’s another college football game in Columbia and you’ll miss it. Between now and then, write a letter to the NCAA and gripe at them for not releasing anything on Mizzou’s appeal yet. I’ve been calling them Jackasses on twitter every day for a few days now, it seems to have helped a lot. Speaking of corrupt organizations, screw ku.

Happy November football, Tiger fans,

On Saturday, our beloved Tigers (finally, finally, finally) return home for a football game. The Tigers host the Florida Gators as Mizzou’s quest for an undefeated* season continues. Kickoff is scheduled for 11:00 a.m., tailgate will start well before that. It’s too bad the snow showed up a few days early, but it’ll still be chilly for Floridians. I smell Mizzou victory.

Historically, cold games hurt the tailgating attendance. Morning games also hurt the tailgating attendance. As such, I’m betting there’s not going to much of a tailgating crowd pre-game. Please let me know if you’re bringing a bunch of friends and I’m going to be wrong. Seriously, please let me know. I’d be glad to be wrong.

With a late-arriving crowd, I’ll be there and be setup, but not expecting any food pre-game. After we beat Florida, we will be serving fried Gator Bites in a post-game victory tailgate.**

As became one of Coach Pinkel’s mammoth quotables, “those who win in November will be remembered.”  Go Tigers, beat the Gators. #CHOMP #GoldPants?? Speaking of things that should be remembered, screw ku.***

*At home. Undefeated at home. If it doesn’t happen in Missouri, does it even count?

**We won’t really be serving fried Gator Bites post-game. We probably won’t really even be hanging out much after the game. I’d like to, and I will if you will, but I figure most people will just go home and celebrate the Tiger win.

***Seriously, screw ku.

Happy Homecoming, Tiger fans!

For the happiest time of the happiest time of the year, climate change has blessed us with an early beautiful fall day in the forecast for this Saturday. Sunny, high of 60, a perfect day for tailgating. (editor’s note:  it may be windy, bring a coat). Football has blessed us with more football! Our beloved, undefeated* Tigers host Ole Miss, with kickoff scheduled for 6:00 p.m. (Seriously, you might bring a coat.)

Mike Messer is doing a shrimp boil for the tailgate. Potatoes, corn on the cob, shrimp, etc. It’s our first-ever** tailgate shrimp boil. I’d imagine we’ll start eating around 4:00, with a batch or two ready before and after that. I’ll be at the tailgate well before that, you should be also. Desserts and snacks until shrimp boil is ready would be good bringing options.  Call Mike Messer at Shelter Insurance for all your insurance needs.

Ole Miss is commonly known as the Rebels. For a long time, their mascot was a caricature of a Southern Civil War colonel. They finally figured out that wasn’t a great idea anymore, so changed to a Bear for a while. The bear’s name was Rebel and it’s described on the internet as an “anthropomorphic black bear.” Sounds catchy.

The folks at Ole Miss didn’t take to that either, So they changed it to what the internet describes as an “anthropomorphic shark”. He goes by the name of Tony. Tony the Landshark. There’s some real actual history regarding a guy named Tony who played football that started the landshark thing. That history dates all the way back to… … …2008.

It’s like if Mizzou changed their mascot to Pig and team colors to Brown. I presume in 2021 Ole Miss will change their mascot to either something called a Tunsil — which will be a football player smoking a bong in a gas mask, a VSCO girl, or whatever the current TikTok craze is.

Go Tigers, beat the Ole Miss caricatures of a football program. 41-17 seems right to me. Speaking of caricatures, screw ku.

*games in August don’t count

**tailgates on a dock for games in August don’t count. Similarly, neighbor’s tailgates that also did a shrimp boil don’t count.