Jason's Untimely Thoughts

The year was 2000… I had changed jobs at Columbia College, thereby freeing up my fall Saturdays for FOOTBALL!!! The year before, Sarah & I had purchased a new truck. In a classic “you put your peanut butter in my chocolate!”-style stroke of genius, we decided to combine FOOTBALL!!! and the truck into a thing called a tailgate. Lot I was the destination at the time.

September 2 was the first game. If my memory is correct, it was 163 degrees that day. Being the stupid tailgating newby, I pulled in to the most spacious area I could find in good old Lot I, never mind the fact it was surrounded by asphalt in every direction. Better to have an area to spread out, I thought.

On the asphalt, it was approximately 238 degrees. Traffic control wasn’t much of a thing then, so after a while the cars began to line up across from us, trying to get wherever they were going. The running cars. Pumping fumes in our faces. Good times. Luckily, in a little bit the good lads from Major Brands parked beside us. They were equally clueless about where to go, but they had boxes and boxes of booze. And yet another classic “you put your chocolate in my peanut butter!”-style discovery was made.

Twenty years of tailgating later, I finally got a new truck. For the various folks that remarked that “something looks different this year” last week, that was the only major difference from the past many years. I did have to purge some items, including an 18-year old roll of twine that was last used when Smitty shimmied up a tree to tie up a tarp to keep rain off of (some of) us.

Saturday, the Tigers continue on their path to an undefeated season* when SEMO comes to town. Kickoff is at 6:30 p.m. I’ll be there by 3:00, Lot D normal spot, but the tailgate will be much more in the style of the early 2000s. I’ll have some booze and some sodas, but anything else you want you should probably bring yourself. (I’ll also have a couple of tents, some tables, some chairs, a TV, and possibly a chandelier. We’re not savages after all.)

Speaking of the early 2000s, screw ku.

*We didn’t play college football in August in the year 2000, games played in August continue to not count.

Happy New Year, Tiger Fans!

The happiest time of the year is upon us, as our beloved football Tigers begin their season this Saturday, hosting the Mountaineers from West Virginia. An exciting opportunity to start our season 1-0 by beating an old Big 12(ish) foe from days gone by.*

Kickoff is scheduled for 11:00 a.m. Parking lots open at 7:00 am, I’ll be there before both of those times, come join me when you will. Lot D yet again (D LOT!!!). Mattress By Appointment is buying a few dozen breakfast burritos, that will be the main tailgate fare. I’m sure Screwdrivers, Mimosas, and a Bloody Mary bar will also be happening. As always, sides and desserts and an appetite for VICTORY are good things to bring, should you be bringing things.

In summary, come to the tailgate, eat a breakfast burrito, have a screwdriver or breakfast drink of your choice, go to the game, cheer for a Mizzou victory, go buy a mattress. Go Tigers, beat the Eers off the Mountaineers. Speaking of screwdrivers, screw ku.

*Some of the things in the opening paragraph may not be completely true. For instance, we never played West Virginia when they were in the Big 12. It is definitely the happiest time of the year, however. (Also, football played in August doesn’t count, it is known. It’s like spring training, but in August.)

Happy Thanksgiving, Tiger fans!

This season has gone exactly as expected, won every game as predicted, no controversial calls or heartbreaks along the way, just cruised along to double-digit wins as I predicted all along. (*some of that isn’t true.)

On Friday, our beloved Tigers play their final home game of the year, hosting the Arkansas Razorbacks. Kickoff is scheduled for 1:30 p.m. but you should be in your seat well before then as Mizzou introduces the 19 seniors playing their final home game. I will be at the tailgate early, no idea what food or people will be with me. I’ll have leftover soda, beer, and booze. You could bring some leftover food. It’s also a blackout game, so wear your black raingear.

The Tigers are favored by 21 points or something. Drew Lock needs 916 passing yards to catch Chase Daniel for Mizzou’s career record. Here’s to getting 600 or so of those yards on Friday to make sure we beat the spread. As a bonus, Arkansas suspended two of their defensive backs for talking to girls.

Go Tigers, Beat the Hogs, Bring Leftovers, go in early to clap for the seniors, screw ku.

Mizzou Seniors

• Paul Adams, OL (Capt.) – Nashville, Tenn.
• Terry Beckner, Jr., DT (Capt.) – East St. Louis, Ill.
• Terez Hall, LB (Capt.) – Lithonia, Ga.
• Drew Lock, QB (Capt.) – Lee’s Summit, Mo.
• Nate Anderson, DE – Toronto, Ontario
• Sam Bailey, TE/OL – Lamar, Mo.
• Kendall Blanton, TE – Blue Springs, Mo.
• Nate Brown, WR – Suwanee, Ga.
• Corey, Fatony, P – Franklin, Tenn.
• Emanuel Hall, WR – Franklin, Tenn.
• Cam Hilton, S – St. Louis, Mo.
• Brandon Lee, LB – Indianapolis, Ind.
• Dominic Nelson, S – Florissant, Mo.
• Walter Palmore, DT – Columbus, Ga.
• Kevin Pendleton, OL – Lee’s Summit, Mo.
• Tavon Ross, LB – Cochran, Ga.
• Finis Stribling, DB – Thompson’s Station, Tenn.
• Rod Winters, LB – Arlington, Texas

Happy Football, Tiger Fans!

On Saturday, our beloved Tigers host the Commodores from Vanderbilt University. Kickoff is at 11:00 a.m. I’ll be there earlier than that, you should too. We will have food. We will have people. I don’t know how much of any of that will happen, but you should come out and say hello. And then stay and watch football. FOOTBALL!

As I pointed out in earlier emails, the Tigers are well on their way to a 10-win season. 9-3 regular season, plus a bowl win. What’s that, Kentucky game, you say? Screw them.

It turns out I forgot the part about “what happens to blue-wearing basketball schools” is that the refs gift them games from time to time. Just magically call fouls or don’t call obvious fouls that change the outcome of the game. Still being relatively new to the SEC, I didn’t realize that happened to those blue-wearing schools in football also. Regardless, we won, in my personal record book. 10-win season here it comes.

The Tigers beat Vandy on Saturday, then I waffle once again about going to the Tennessee game the following weekend, those who win in November will be remembered, and so on. Go Tigers, beat Vandy. On a side note, screw ku. (And here’s to ku screwing up another football coaching hire. And here’s to Adidas buying them more basketball players. Seriously, screw ku. and Kentucky too. And the refs. But mostly ku.)

Go Tigers.

Happy Homecoming Tiger Fans!

Yeah, I know, last week. But I wasn’t at the tailgate at all, only made it to the 4th quarter of the game, the trees had barely turned, and we were playing a non-conference school. All that stuff shall be rectified this weekend, at homecoming part deux.

The Tigers face the Wildcats from Kentucky on Saturday. Kickoff is at 3:00 p.m. Unless all of you come back for Homecoming II, I’m not expecting as much of a tailgating crowd this weekend. Please let me know if I’m wrong. The Beckings and Greens are bringing fried chicken and biscuits from Lee’s. As always, sides and desserts and friends are good things to bring.

Kentucky is allegedly good this year. But so are our Tigers. Besides, we all know what happens to blue-wearing basketball schools in football games. This game won’t be over quite as quickly (as I very correctly predicted last week) as the Memphis game was, but I’m still calling for a relaxing 4th quarter as Mizzou knocks off the ranked squad from KY on the team’s continuing march to 9-3 regular season, 10 wins after bowl game.

Go Tigers. Beat the blue-wearing basketball school. On a side note, screw ku.

Happy Homecoming Tiger Fans!

On Saturday, the beloved Tigers in black and gold host the unloved Tigers in blue from Memphis. Kickoff is scheduled for 3:00 p.m., victory is scheduled to be assured by the middle of the 3rd quarter, and then the Tigers are on the path to a 9-3 final regular-season record. Write it down.

Messers are providing the main fair for the tailgate this week, bringing pulled pork sandwiches. As always, sides and desserts are good bringing options. Adelaide has a volleyball tournament at Hickman Saturday, so we will be bouncing back and forth between the tailgate and the naked baby volleyball. By bouncing, I fully mean zipping up and down Providence Road on a Bird scooter while being insulted by fraternity boys and out-of-town drivers. See you when we see you, tailgate will be going at all normal times.

That’s it. Go (good) Tigers, beat the (bad) Tigers. Speaking of bird scooters, screw ku.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans! aka, Happy day-that-I-finally-figure-out-what-we’re-doing-for-tailgate-food-day, Tiger fans!

On Saturday, the beloved boys in black and gold host the Bulldogs from Georgia. Kickoff is scheduled for 11:00 a.m., which sucks. If you’re unfamiliar, Georgia will likely bring some adults with them that bark at you for no apparent reason. So try not to laugh too hard at that.

I’ll be at the tailgate earlier than you, so arrive as you like. We’ll have Southwest Egg Casserole, Ham/Cheese/Egg Casserole, and some cheesy breakfast potatoes all from Hoss’s Market for your eating pleasure. Bring what you will (and buy a mattress and/or adjustable bed from Mattress By Appointment when you will).

I generally love Columbia Mo, however, we suck at a minimum of three things: having some place that would make a bunch of breakfast tacos for me Saturday morning, not building giant parking structures that dominate the skyline, and painting the roads with any version of paint that is visible in the rain. Seriously, I drove all over town this week trying to find someone that could and would let me pay them to make a bunch of breakfast tacos Saturday morning. What the hell, Columbia, what the hell?

Oh well, Hoss’s is good. Beating Georgia will be better. I’ve heard the spread on the game is around 14 points, but I don’t expect to beat them that badly. Maybe, but probably closer to a 10-point win.

This email has mentioned a lot of things that are terrible, like 11:00 am kickoff times, a lack of breakfast tacos, and the combination thereof. On a side note, screw ku. (and Rutgers, come on man.) Go Tigers, beat the dogs.

Happy Thursday, Tiger fans!

On Saturday evening, Mizzou will improve to 2-0 after defeating the brown Cowboys from Wyoming.  Kickoff is scheduled for 6:00 p.m. which will conveniently be right around the time the rain stops.

Taylor McKee is handling your meat for this tailgate.  He’s bringing smoked wings, buffalo wings, ribs, pulled pork, and brisket.  Thanks to Taylor!  MEAT!!!  As always, sides and desserts are great bringing options.

There’s nothing funny about Wyoming.  Sorry.

Mizzou is honoring the 1998 Insight Bowl team, though, which beat West Virginia.  I remember 5 things about that game:

Happy New Year, Tiger fans!

On Saturday, the beloved boys in black and gold (and hopefully GOLDPANTS #GOLDPANTS!!!) begin the 2018 campaign against the SkyHawks from UT-Martin.  Kickoff is scheduled for 3 p.m. Saturday, the Tigers are scheduled to go 15-0 this year.  Get on the bandwagon early and watch the steel rise in the south end zone all season long.

The tailgate will be in the same spot as the last many years, so see you in Lot D.  I expect some interloper chaos this year because of changes to some other lots, so is possible that we’ll be shuffled around to a different spot within the lot.  Not likely, but possible.  As always, look for an old silver F150 and our flags flying if in doubt on where we are.

Jim Yankee is bringing pulled chicken and taco fixings for SkyHawk tacos.  I know a few sides and some watermelon are on the way as well.  As always, sides and desserts are good bringing options.  Call Flat Branch for all your mortgage needs.  Buy mattresses and adjustable bases from Mattress By Appointment for all your bedroom needs.  Well, some of your bedroom needs.

As for the football game, I know 4 things about UT-Martin.  They’re from Tennessee. They’re probably from Martin, Tennessee.  Their nickname is the SkyHawks.  They should’ve gone with the UT-Martin Martins.  Not only is the Martin the largest North American swallow, which really, let’s just there.  It’s hard to top being the largest North American swallow.

I also know SkyHawk is a stupid nickname.  There’s a reason we’re not the Missouri Land Tigers.  Hawks fly in the sky, Tigers are on land, we get it.  The only hawk that’s dumber is one that wears shoes and posts a picture of itself in a trash can.  On that direct note, screw ku.

Go Tigers, 15-0.  FOOTBALLLLALALLALALL!!!!

Happy Sports Weekend Tiger fans,

Tomorrow the basketball Tigers get their season started with a game against Iowa State at 8 pm. Former Big 12 rivals playing one another during the regular season, that’s so weird. (I just found out I have 3 extra tickets to the game, upper level, let me know if you want to buy them.) Prior to the game, Mizzou is unveiling a statue of Norm outside the arena, so check that out on your way in. And get there early, traffic will be brutal.

On Saturday, the main event features the beloved football Tigers hosting the Tennessee Volunteers. Win 4 of the scheduled 7-game winning streak will look remarkably similar to last week. The primary differences will be a night-time game and the UT fans dressed in honor of deer season. And their whining post-game on the internet about how they’re better than Mizzou despite losing (aka Voluntears, aka Rocky Bottom).

Kickoff is at 6:30 pm, so we’ll be tailgating long before that. The Messers are bringing pulled pork, I’m bringing some whiskey, you should bring things that accompany those. And a friend.

Tomorrow is the last home game for these 19 Tigers, so go in early and cheer for them. (Then go to Vanderbilt, Arkansas, and the bowl game to continue cheering them on. And bring me to those things.)

2017 Mizzou Seniors

• Alec Abeln (OL); Career: 25 games, 9 career starts at three positions (C, G, FB)
• Eric Beisel (LB) – 2017 Captain; Career: 46 games, 5 starts – 91 tackles, 6.5 TFLs
• Joey Burkett (LB); Career: 46 games, 6 starts – 64 tackles, 1.0 TFL, 3 PBU, 1 int. return TD
• Logan Cheadle (DB); Career: 42 games, 6 starts – 51 tackles, 2.0 sacks, 11 PBU, 2 INTs
• Dominic Collins (WR); Career: 11 games, 1 start – 7 receptions, 104 yards, 1 TD
• Marcell Frazier (DL); Career: 33 games, 17 starts – 74 tackles, 21.0 TFLs, 13.0 sacks, 11 QBH, 3 FF
• Jordan Harold (DL) – 2017 Captain; Career: 21 games, 11 starts – 35 tackles, 5.5 TFLs, 2.5 sacks, 2 QBH
• Anthony Hines (DB); Career: 31 games – 9 tackles
• Tyler Howell (OL); Career: 21 games, 15 starts
• A.J. Logan (DL); Career: 30 games, 14 starts – 39 tackles, 6.0 TFLs, 2 QBH, 1 FF
• J’Mon Moore (WR); Career: 46 games, 28 starts – 137 receptions, 2,135 yards, 19 TDs, 1 rush TD; 2017: 9 games, 6 starts – 44 receptions, 740 yards, 8 TDs
• Adam Ploudre (OL); Career: 19 games, 8 starts
• Jason Reese (TE); Career: 46 games, 7 starts – 29 receptions, 369 yards, 5 TDs
• Cameren Rivers (WR); Career: 2 games
• Adam Roland (OL); Career: 1 game – Out in 2017 with leg injury
• Anthony Sherrils (DB); Career: 45 games, 26 starts – 169 tackles, 7.5 TFLs, 0.5 sacks, 3 INTs, 10 PBU, 2 FR
• Thomas Wilson (DB); Career: 43 games, 12 starts – 122 tackles, 3.0 TFLs, 1 INT, 6 PBU, 2 FF
• Ish Witter (RB); Career: 45 games, 14 starts – 407 rushes, 1,873 yards, 11 TDs, 32 receptions, 271 yards, 1 TD; 2017: 9 games, 4 starts – 92 rushes, 504 yards, 3 TDs, 10 receptions, 78 yards, 1 TD

Go Tigers, that other team can’t be proud running around in orange pants.  And on a side note, screw ku.