Jason's Untimely Thoughts

It’s homecoming-like in Columbia, Mo., even if it’s not homecoming weekend.  There’s a chill in the air and the trees are starting to turn pretty shades of red, gold, and orange.  This is all happening early this year, in anticipation of the arrival of the OSU orange pants.  They may be men (or kids), they may be 40 (or 41) (youtube video for context) but they can’t be proud wearing orange pants.

OK State is decent team, ranked #17, which we shall beat by 30.  Something like 52-24 seems like a good guess to me.   ESPN2 is broadcasting the game, which will begin at 7:00 pm.  We’ll be tailgating no later than mid-afternoon, joined by the group from my work again this game.  Hoss’s Market will be doing the catering, food served at 4:00 p.m.  Hope to see you and yours there.

While I’m very used to the Tigers being good, even great, and answer “yes” when people ask me if I ever believed this was possible, I admit that it is very odd to see articles asking “Who Needs the punter, anyway?” and ESPN Magazine cover stories featuring our back up quarterback.  On a side note, screw ku.

The Tigers finish the preseason on Saturday when they host the Buffalo Bills, I mean Buffalo Jills, I mean Buffalo Bulls, at 1:00 p.m. Like the other 58,000 in attendance, we’ll have some wings at the tailgate in honor of Buffalo. Various others have said they’re bringing various other things, so stop by and eat and drink. I’ll be there by 10:00 or so.

The following is from the official athletic website of the University of Buffalo: “the Buffalo Bulls are looking to shock the world this weekend and upset the #5 ranked Missouri Tigers at home. With big performances on both sides of the ball, there’s no limit to what these Bulls may be capable of until both sides put on their pads on Saturday.”

Corret, there is no limit until both sides put on their pads. After that, there is a substantial limit to what Buffalo can do. They’re limited to losing, in fact. 58-17 is your final score as the Tigers once again light up the scoreboard against a former Husker in preparation for lighting up the scoreboard in Lincoln in two weeks.

Further on the Bull topic, “ha ha” to the beakers.  Screw ku.

The Tigers second home contest of the year, versus the Nevada Wolfpack, is Saturday at 11:30.  Originally on pay per view, the game will now be on Fox Sports due to Hurricane Ike.   I realize Ike will not likely make it to Missouri, but there’s no point using logic with Fox.

In Ike’s honor, rain is in the forecast, lots of rain potentially.  It will go well with the lots of points we’ll score.  It will not go so well with tailgating, so we’ll likely get there by 9:30 or so with limited tailgate action.  If the kids accompany, we’ll be there in time for Tiger Walk.  If not, you might even have to look for us elsewhere in Lot D as I’m not sure we’ll make it in time to claim a muddy spot on the grass.  So, to recap, because of the poor weather, early start time, etc., I’m only planning on going to the game 2 hours before it starts to sit in the rain.  I’m slipping.

Nevada is considerably better than SEMO, losing to Texas Tech last week 35-19.  They were able to contain TT offense better than most, so it might be a battle to get our 52 points this week.  52-20 is my prediction.

Adelaide told me last night I should retire so I could play more golf.  When the topic of money was raised, she said we could either resurrect their lemonade stand or put out an envelope that people could put money in.  I would get half, she would get half, and Jack would get half.  Election year math has made its way to Grant Elementary.

The red-legged shoe wearing prairie chickens play at South Florida this evening.  South Florida is coached by Jim Leavitt, an All Big 8 football and baseball player for Mizzou in the 1970s.  Go South Florida, you’re the Bull.  On  a side note, screw ku.

Greetings football fans,

There’s a lot of things that make this not seem like a football weekend, including the fact that I simply haven’t been interested in typing this e-mail. In the name of normalcy, however, here it be.

The Tigers take Step #2 on their way to a 14-0 season on Saturday, when they play the Missouri State University – Cape Girardeau Red Hawks at 6:00 p.m. Oh wait, not all directional schools that were formerly teachers colleges got to change their name? The RedHawks are seemingly miserable, barely escaping with a win over an even smaller school last week. (Note I could easily make another joke about SMS here, but I pass.) William Moore, All American Safety from Hayti in the SEMO region isn’t playing this game, hurting our chances a little. I predict 57-3. A cake walk.

Game time is at 6:00 p.m., tailgating again in Lot D. As has become the norm, first game is also the Miller’s tailgate, so will be joined by 180 or so coworkers. Food provided by Buckingham’s, served beginning around 3:45. Blue and Red beverages provided from Belgium.

With the late start, Mangino and the boys will be attending our game as well… can’t pass up a cake walk. Screw ku.

November greetings Tiger fans,

Sad to say, but the end of the (home) season is approaching rapidly, with our beloved Tigers taking on the Fighting Texas Aggie Fighting Aggies on Saturday at 11:30 a.m.  We’ll be at the tailgate in some combination by 9:00.  It’s a “Blackout” game, so I’d encourage everyone to get really drunk and try to forget the game.  Oh wait, sorry, that was a college flashback (sorry mom).   Beyond wearing black, it’s also Senior Day.  20 Tigers will be playing their final games at Faurot Field, so go inside early to salute them.

While I’d normally do my best to make considerable fun of the Aggies, especially since it’s so easy to do, our trip to College Station last year cured me of my evil ways (toward them, if we were playing someone else I’d still be full of hatred).  It wasn’t all good in College Station… their tradition of being “friendly” to everyone kind of creeped me out.  Mostly it came off as ROTC guys saying “HOWDY” to you as loud as possible to see what kind of reaction they’d get, hoping that reaction would then justify a mass beatdown of some sorts.   Like they were ready to jump out and snap my neck like I was a rabid cow.

The real show came when we went to “Yell Practice” on Friday night before the game.   Despite being midnight, and full of college students, and associated with college football, and about 30,000 people there, absolutely no one seemed the least bit intoxicated.   After seeing my college experience from above you can understand the confusion this caused.  Everyone filed politely into one side of the stadium and inexplicably did calisthenics periodically.  Punctuated by sporadic banging on the bleachers and “WHOOOP” noises.  All while some West Texas cracker with a microphone said random nonsense, causing more calisthenics, banging, and WHOOP making.

It was all enough to drive us to the very edge (of the crowd).  Being in complete and utter amazement at the surroundings, I turned around to watch the freak show.  And then promptly found myself laying on my back and head about 4 bleachers down from where I’d just been.  At that moment, though, the Aggie niceties sincerely kicked in.  Despite being with Sarah and Missouri’s two finest sportswriters, the absolute only person that moved to see if I was still alive was an Aggie dad, who had to stand up from ‘humping’ position and walk down 6-8 rows to check on me.  Again, at no point did Sarah or Missouri’s two finest sportswriters ever make a move.  When I finally managed to drag myself back up to their area, they sort of looked at me, snickered a little, and then turned their attention back to the Aggie circus.  Meanwhile Aggie dad returned to humping it and making WHOOP with his young children.

Hope to see you and yours at the tailgate and the game.  They may be nice, but we shall still destroy them.  Go Tigers, 13-1 will be almost as good as 14-0!

Here are the 20 Seniors playing in their final home game.  I’m confident they all join me in saying screw ku.

Steven Blair (95)    DL     Godfrey, Ill.
Greg Bracey (85)    WR    Milwaukee, Wisc.
Pig Brown (13)         SS     Adel, Ga.
Travis Cardoza (4)    S    Springfield, Mo.
Adam Crossett (90)     P    Liberty, Mo.
William Franklin (2)    WR     St. Louis, Mo.
Charles Gaines (91)    DL     Hayti, Mo.
Tyler Luellen (79)     OL     Bethany, Mo.
Lucas Null (87)         WR     Crystal City, Mo.
Jason Ray (4)         WR     Porter, Okla.
Martin Rucker (82)    TE     St. Joseph, Mo.
John Ruth (41)        LB    Jefferson City, Mo.
Paul Simpson (6)    CB     Oakland, Calif.
Adam Spieker (77)     OL     Webb City, Mo.
Tony Temple (22)    TB    Kansas City, Mo.
Darnell Terrell (3)     CB     St. Louis, Mo.
Chris Tipton (54)     OL     Bowling Green, Mo.
Lorenzo Williams (99)     DL     Midwest City, Okla.
Marcus Woods (3)     TB    Farmington Hills, Mich.
Monte Wyrick (71)    OL     Texarkana, Ark.

Happy Halloween Tiger Fans,

In early celebration of the Holiday, a bunch of Ronald McDonald uniform-wearing jokers are going to be at Faurot Field on Saturday dressed up like a football team. Like a football team with miserable uniforms and a confused mascot, but still.

ISU is 1-7 on the year and we’re favored by 28.5 points. We owe them for a mystery defeat up there last season, so bring on the Candy-Corn Colored Tornado Birds (beyond Ronald McDonalders or CCCTBs, other acceptable nicknames are Corncardnados, Cyclowns, and Blow Homes).

Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m., we’ll be tailgating by 10:00 or so. It’s the second Miller’s tailgate of the year, with food provided by Hoss’s Market to be served at 11:00 a.m. The athletic department is once again encouraging all fans to wear gold. I’m once again pointing out the players should wear gold pants then. They are also claiming to be giving away 45,000 ‘rally towels’, but praise be that we had the good sense to avoid a promotional ad like this (forwarded previously). The 45,000 number seems a little shaky to me also, as Jack was given a towel by the Sports Information office earlier in the year. 44,999, at the most, I say, unless there was some fluff in that towel order.

It’s the next-to-last home game of the year and your last chance to see the Tigers before they crack the Top 10. They’re having a Larry Smith era reunion, too, so come on out to the party.

That’s the end of my random facts e-mail for the week. GO A&M, screw ku.

Happy Raincoming Tiger Fans.  The best time of the year during the best time of the year is here, beautiful fall to coincide with a beautiful football Saturday.  You can tell it’s Homecoming week by the smell of pomp and rainy circumstances around ole Collegetown.

On Saturday, our beloved Tigers take on the Red Raiders from Texas Tech University in a battle of ranked teams (Tigers #15/17, Tech #22/21).  It seems that they’ve taken to calling themselves the “Air Raid” for their prolific offense.  I’d have suggested “Get Beat By Good Teams” for their habit of said offense getting beat by teams that are any good.   I’ve previously documented Tech’s student population, which is entirely made up of people too dumb & poor to get into UT and too stupid to get into A&M.  And those that have flunked out of both.  Like any good peon population, however, they’ve arisen to take over and have assumed football dominance in the Lone Star State.  Sneaky Pirates.  Sneaky broken-armed while bicycling pirates.

Tailgate will begin at 11:30 or so.  My parents are bringing up ribs from Southeast MO, so wear a don’t mind getting sloppy shirt.  Might also pick up some CJ’s at parade time, we’ll see.   On the costuming theme, the athletic department is again asking for fans to be decked out in gold.  No word on whether the players will again reciprocate with gold pants instead of the Ninja Tiger look.  I’ll also be sporting my new porncracker hat (idea courtesy of Joe Walljasper) as both the Tigers and I take another step into the national limelight.

Big crowd is expected again this weekend, ABC is broadcasting the game.  Tech appears to be a very good team, pirating jokes aside.  Go Tigers, Go buffalos, screw ku, and “ha ha” to the Corn.

In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a little football game this weekend. Some team from some town north is making a little trip down the road to face our beloved Tigers. Some little network based in Vermont or Connecticut or somewhere is coming in for the broadcast. Hopefully Coach Pinkel and the boys can finally win some games so we can get a ranked team to come play, or a decent network to cover the game, or a fullback, or something.

To quote our old receptionist, “I’m sorry I’m drunk and I can’t come to work.” Oh wait, that’s not the quote I was looking for. “I woke up naked and got free cable.” No, not it either. “I kid, I kid”… That’s the one. Bless her heart.

The 17th ranked Tigers take on the #25 Huskers from Nebraska this Saturday at 8:15 p.m. on ESPN. It’s the annual gold-out game, so wear gold. It’ll be a packed house, so plan on going in early too, so as not to be standing in line as we return the opening kickoff back for a touchdown. We’ll be tailgating by 3:00, join us when you will. Bryan Ninichuck of Wingate Pest Control is taking care of the food this weekend. Buckingham’s will be delivered at 5:30. If you’d like us to haul things to the tailgate, probably better have it to our house by mid-Saturday morning. And call Wingate for all your pest control needs.

Sarah and the athletic department are trying to find a plane/helicopter/parasail/Wonkavator so she can take aerial photos of the game. If you happen to see a plane circling at opening kickoff, smile and wave. Same goes if someone is on a really really big ladder somewhere.

Somewhere along the way the boys from Nowledge changed their nickname from Cornhuskers to Huskers. I can’t say for sure, but I assume it has something to do with Columbia’s reputation regarding stray monkeys on the loose and those monkeys’ propensity to bite those who have corn (get well soon Liam, no kidding). Look out cornhuskers, stray monkeys Unleashed.

Also big news in Columbia is Sir Elton John’s performance at Mizzou Arena on Friday night. All week I’ve had visions, strange scary visions, of bedazzled Elton fans and be-jeaned, white-jeaned, N fans running into each other all over town, finding secret attraction in each other, and then combining to show up on Saturday in fabulously spectacular sequin covered jeans and reds, rhinestone covered corncob heads, and sparkly sunglasses. I sort of hope this comes true.

To recap, Wear Gold, Lot D, Buckingham’s, Wingate, Go in Early, BEAT NEBRASKA, Smile and Point and Laugh at the sequin-covered white jean crew, and (implied) screw ku.

It’s still football season, although the Tigers are taking it light with ISU-light this week.  That’s Illinois State, not Iowa State.  Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m., I hope to be tailgating by 10:30.  No word on food yet, although I do expect to have lunch of some variety.  CJ’s wings would be a reasonable guess.  If you’d like us to haul stuff for you, will happily do so as long as it’s at our house before early Saturday morning.

Our beloved Tigers are ranked #25 in the most recent polls, while ISU is ranked #14 in the subterranean division, or whatever the hell they’ve decided to call this collection of crap teams.  With a good showing and some definite losses happening in the polls above us, Tigers should move up by beating up on a cupcake this weekend before moving up a little more by playing no one next weekend.  That’s a literal no one, not the figurative no one we’re playing this week.

I know almost nothing about Illinois State, except that their mascot is a Redbird.  I went to their website, their motto appears to be “Go You Redbirds”.  Inspirational.  This Redbird looks strikingly similar to the bird that’s stuck in Iowa State’s cyclone, so I assume that these two schools are bitter rivals.  Matching initials, matching mascot, matching colors, bordering states, they either hate each other or have massive man-crushes.  I choose hatred, as that’s what makes me most comfortable.

The stuck-part-of-the-Cyclones-logos did almost beat K-State last year, although that was before the invasion of the Power Towels.  No way they could have played close with that grey squirrel chasing them with a towel all day.

Speaking of hatred, insert anti-ku diatribe here.

Happy fall Tiger fans,

The happiest time of the year delayed its debut in Mid-Missouri for two weeks, allowing blues, BBQ, and bicycles to bring in the fall. The combination has us anticipating a weird home opener. The weather is decidedly October-like, the opponent is decidedly non-descript, and we’ve already seen the Tigers have 2 wins under their belt over quality competition.

Coach Bill Cubit brings the Western Michigan Broncos to Columbia for a 1:00 kickoff on Saturday. They were pre-season favorites to win the MAC, but have started 0-2 with losses to West Virginian and Indiana. In keeping with recent tradition, we’ll start the home season by tailgating with the Miller’s crowd. Drinks and Buckingham’s aplenty, starting at 11:00, with 200 or so of my closest co-workers. The kids and I will likely be at the tailgate by 9:30, so come on out whenever you like. We’ll be happy to haul stuff for you, as always, but I remind you, drinks and Buckingham’s aplenty, starting at 11:00.

Cubit is no stranger to Faurot Field. He was offensive coordinator for the Broncos when they raced up and down the field against our Tigs in a 1999 MU victory. The next year he showed up on our sidelines as co-offensive coordinator in what turned out to be a bad year. My lasting memory of his control over our offense is the Tigers working all pre-game in “secrecy” in the Devine Pavilion, to allegedly surprise the other team with our new sneaky no-huddle offense. Not so good on the surprise o’meter, is my recollection.

Adelaide’s fifth-birthday is coming up, for which she’ll be having a rock star party. Kids are supposed to dress up like their favorite Rock Star or High School Musical character. Speaking of HS Musical, someone who shall not be named compared getting his photo taken with Chase Daniel on the field after the Ole Miss game to “meeting your favorite High School Musical character.” A big dork, just has two little girls at home, or both, you decide.

We’ve beat the Indians and the Rebels, with Bronco-taming next on the schedule in our mascotonial trip through American Yankee history. Damn Yankees. On a side note, screw ku.