Jason's Untimely Thoughts

On Saturday, Mizzou plays their final home game of the season, improving to 8-4 on the year and 6-0 at home. Kickoff is scheduled for 12:00 n, we don’t expect much of a tailgating crowd so won’t be out there much before 11:00. If you’re looking for a ride or want us to haul stuff for you, please let me know.

Zack Abron will become MU’s all-time leading rusher on Saturday, needing just 13 more yards. I say he gets this on a 22-yard scamper in the first quarter.

Brad Smith needs 286 yards passing to become the first player in NCAA history to have two seasons with over 2,000 yards passing and 1,000 yards rushing. If he doesn’t get 286 yards tomorrow, he will certainly still manage the trick in the bowl game. It’s also fairly reasonable that Smith will become MU’s career Total Offense (yardage) record holder in the bowl game. If not, he’ll certainly get that milestone as junior. Smith likely won’t get any milestones tomorrow as we’ll be beating Iowa State so bad it will be in poor taste to throw.

There’s not much funny to say about Iowa State. The notable things for them are that they suck, they’re not very good, and they suck. (They had it going on for a while, but amazingly enough it fell apart shortly after they hired the coach KU just fired. The KU stench is powerful stuff.) Traditionally, their uniform choices have resembled candy corn. One year they had the Offense and the Defense wear different colored helmets. Their team name is Cyclone, their mascot is Cy the Cardinal , and in print they represent all this as a bird stuck in a tornado. Not exactly a fierce image of a team that’s got it all figured out. “We’re so good we got stuck inside the other part of our mascot!” Makes me wonder if they go to Halloween parties as the back guy in the two-person donkey costume.

The Tigers are going bowling, I predict to the Alamo Bowl in San Antone. We’ll beat some overrated Big 10+1 school there, then just over three months later the basketball Tigers will win a couple of games in the same building.

I close with a heart-warming holiday story.
The Flight
A Missouri alum gets on a plane headed home to Kansas City, MISSOURI, for the holidays. As he sits down he introduces himself to the guy across the aisle from him and learns he is a KU alum. He kicks off his shoes and announces he’s getting a coke and offers to get one for the KU alum. When he leaves to get the coke, the ku alum leans over and spits in his left shoe. When he returns, he discovers a second ku alum has joined the first and repeats his offer. When the second accepts and the MU alum goes to get him a coke, the second ku alum leans over and spits in his right shoe. Upon landing, the Missouri alum slips his feet back into his shoes. He immediately realizes what has happened as the two kansas alums are laughing out loud. The Missouri alum sighs and says, “when are we going to get over this insane hatred of each other? The spitting in shoes… the pissing in cokes…”

On Saturday, the Tigers improve to 5-0 at Faurot Field. Game time against Texas A&M is at 11:30. I’ll be out to the tailgate by 9:30. It’s too damn early to kick off, which traditionally means a poor tailgating crowd as well, but come on out & prove me wrong. After we beat A&M, K-State will beat Neebraska setting up the North division title game next week in the little apple, with a Big XII North victory party the following weekend against Iowa State.

Lots of festivities for Veterans Day including a B2 flyover pre-game and the A&M marching band at halftime. Also, Brad Smith was just today named one of 15 finalists for the Walter Camp award (Player of the Year in College Football). He’s pretty good.

A&M stands for Agriculture & Mechanical, so with all the originality of KU’s student newspaper, the Daily Kansan (I guess the official title is the University of Kansas Daily Kansan printed Daily in Kansas?), they call themselves the Aggies. I guess “Mechies” didn’t suit them. Regardless, the Aggies constitute the largest recognized cult in the history of the world.

Aggies pride themselves on tradition, to the sickening degree that they never think how stupid some of the things they’re doing are. They’re just lucky wheels had been invented before their institution was founded or they’d still be walking everywhere. At Aggie home games, students stand the entire game, taking particular pride in standing during the halftime show. While their band is good, no further evidence will be provided on my earlier comments about the general stupidity of a crowd of Aggies. If you’re bragging about standing during your marching band’s performance, maybe it’s time to brush your tooth and look for something else to do.

Oh wait, one more example. They place the graves of their former mascots (dogs named Reveille) where they can “see” the scoreboard so they always know the score. The dead dogs. When construction was going on, they had a student sit out there and report the score to the dogs. The dead dogs. Presumably, the dead dogs can only hear a short distance, that’s why they needed to have someone placed near the grave. They have a dog as a mascot because a group of students ran over a dog once (true story). Similarly, I now have 2 birds, 3 squirrels, and an armadillo as my personal mascots.

Sorry, I can’t help myself. Here’s some more information taken directly from the Aggie webpage.

• Elephant Walk — Annual ceremony held the day before bonfire in which seniors gather in front of the Academic Building, form a single line and wander about the campus like old elephants seeking a secluded spot to end their days. What can you say about this — a degree from A&M sets you up to die, to move into seclusion? There are lots of other things I can say about this, but none are clean.
• Humping It — Position taken by an Aggie when giving a yell. Bending forward from the waist with the hands placed just above the knees properly aligns the back, mouth and throat for maximum volume. Again, There are lots of other things I can say about this, but none are clean.
• Whoop! — Aggie expression of approval. No word whether this expression is appropriately used during either the Elephant Walk or when Humping It.
• The Aggies’ catch phrase is “Gig Em” uttered while holding out your fist with your thumb up. Again, no word on whether this is related to the Elephant Walk, Humping It, or Whoop!. I’m trying to keep it clean, I really am.

All that being said, i’d still wear an A&M sweatshirt in my grave before cheering for UT. (Don’t even ask about the poor saps to our west.)

This weekend the Tigers host the Texas Tech University Red Raiders. It’s Homecoming with an 11:30 kickoff time. Kennett, Missouri’s own Sheryl Crow (or Columbia’s own, or St. Louis’ own depending on which radio station you’re listening to) will be grand marshall of the festivities. Word has it that she’s very short and her mom is mad at her cause she’s passed birthing age without making any babies.

Despite knowing a few people from Kennett now that I like, I hated them in high school. Mostly, that’s because their band played a song slightly more annoying than the Atlanta Braves’ tomahawk chop at every opportunity. I distinctly remember yelling over at them during the second half of a football game to shut up. (glory days). There used to be a great sporting goods store in Kennett though. That’s where everyone cool went to buy Air Jordans.

I’ll be at the tailgate by 9, not sure if the ladies will be there or not pre-game. Very low key on the food due to the early start. As always, if you’d like us to haul stuff for you, drop it by the house on Friday night sometime.

Texas Tech is the only thing in the entire state that even the Texans can’t stand. Their student base consists of those too ugly or too poor to get into UT and too dumb to go to A&M. If you’ve ever been around a crowd of Aggies, you know being too dumb to fit in is quite an accomplishment. If you see a Red Raider fan, tell them to “Git yur guns up” and watch them proudly make the “Loser” sign with their right hand.

This is the toughest game remaining on the Tigers schedule, I think, but we should pull out another home victory to move to 6-2. After this week, we’ll be favored in every remaining game. Last week’s Texas Tech game took 4 hours and 20 minutes, so bring a lunch and some comfy shoes. Brad Smith and Zack Abron will combine for 1,000,000 yards in total offense this game, which might be some sort of record. However, a string of 9 consecutive 1-yard punts will hold our scoring down. I predict a 51-38 MU victory.

So far my predictions have been pretty good. I was informed that I missed the actual time of the goalpost downfall by a few minutes, but I think all will agree that portion was insignificant. We’ll kindly not refer to the debacle in the state to the west again this season.

This e-mail is too long, i’m sorry. On a side note, screw ku.

If you’re unsure of your pre-game breakfast drink, perhaps consider the following:
Red Raider
1/2 oz Triple sec
1 oz Bourbon
1 oz Lemon juice
1 dash Grenadine
Mixing instructions:
Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.

The bugeaters from the University of Noweldge come to town this Saturday, with kick off scheduled for 6:00 p.m. While not technically scheduled, the north end zone goal post will fall at 9:13 p.m., officially ending the hex over that blasted north end zone and erasing a disgustingly miserable performance two weeks ago from my memory. (My personal advice, next time some bastard chickenhawk fan talks smack to you about the game, punch them in the teeth.)

I’ll be at the tailgate spot by 3:00 at the latest, if anyone is interested in being there earlier than that, let me know and I can do that too. The visiting fans tend to arrive early for this game, so parking will be even more at a premium. As always, feel free to drop stuff by the house Friday night and I’ll throw it in the truck to haul for you.

Also at a premium on Saturday will be White blue jeans. If you have any White jeans in your closet, preferably size 40″ waist or larger, bring those to the game to hawk to the stupid huskers. Husker fans in white blue jeans, Mildcat fans in purple camouflage, which is worse?

Finally, someone please bring a bb gun to shoot that dope of an inflated mascot they’ve got. (You can carry concealed weapons in MO starting the day a team notorious for felons comes to town, no further proof needed that the legislature is full of idiots).

as stated previously this year, you can’t spell “nebraska sucks” without ku. A Neebraska football player couldn’t spell “Nebraska sucks” if you spotted them the “Nebraska” and the “ucks”.

For anyone wanting something to do on Saturday, Encore is showing “I am Sam” featuring Spicoli. It is the saddest movie ever made and will make you feel bad for a week after watching it.

If that doesn’t sound like fun, the Tigers are once again hosting a directional school. Middle Tennessee State is the victim this week, and though they play better football than the mythical shoe-wearing birds, they will still be victim #4 on the way to the Tigers’ 6-0 start. Roar.

Kickoff is once again at 1:00 p.m., we’ll once again be there no later than 11:00. The early plan is for the family to all come out to the tailgate in the morning. Be there early for your chance to see Adelaide walking, before she tumbles down the hill never to be seen again.

Low-key on the food again this weekend, basically ’cause I don’t want to bother with it.

As always, if you’d like me to take stuff out to the game, just drop it by the house anytime Friday night and I’ll be glad to throw it in the truck. While you’re coming to the house, feel free to bring a sink, stove, toilet (also referred to as a “comode” in southeast missouri and no, it is not some french toilet brands infiltrating our language or anything like that), a few shingles, etc., to contribute to our addition.

Tiger football season is here and all is well. We’ll be tailgating at the same spot this year, Lot I, look for the TGRZ silver truck and a Black flag with a Gold M. If you can’t find us, just look for that flag. There will be about 1000 of them around the stadium but there’ll be over 50,000 people there. The odds are clearly on your side.

First home game is this Saturday against the Eastern Illinois Panthers. They should suck, so come out and watch a victory. The Tigers will be 6-0 at home this year, so get in on the ground floor. (and for those keeping track at home, that’s 6 home victories, 2 already in the books, and 1 over the mythical shoe-wearing birds to get the good guys to 9-3 without any upsets even).

Game time is at 1:00 p.m., we’ll be there by 11:00 for sure, likely earlier. It’s a BYOB situation, but if you’d like to drop stuff off at the house on Friday night, I’ll be glad to throw it in the truck and haul it there for you. Very little if any food at the tailgate this week (that we’re bringing anyway), but I can promise you a laurel and hearty handshake. probably even a few Harrumphs. If it rains, the game will still start at 1:00, I’ll still be there by 11:00, but i’ll be lonely.

Remember, you can’t spell “sucks” without KU. For those up north, it’s also true that you can’t spell “Nebraska sucks” without ku.