Jason's Untimely Thoughts

It’s hard to say goodbye to friends now.  Not in the “I’m scared I’ll never see them again” way, because that’s not it.  It’s more along the lines of I have to leave now without saying another word or I’ll lose it.  Sorry about that.  Or I’m mad because I know Sarah would have enjoyed the time we just spent with the group.  And although I truly don’t feel it, I’m sure there’s some underlying jealousy in play when I get back in the minivan with just me and the kids.

It adds to the difficulty of having any meaningful conversations with anyone in group settings.  We come together to see each other and the kids, which is great.  But I’m distracted half the time anyway, added to the attention to the kids, and then knowing certain conversations are limited to when they can happen, and I feel like I’m living the life of a 3-year old.  Only concerns are meal times, bed times, an occasional boo-boo, whether the clothes and diapers are clean, and if we have enough milk (we don’t).

Weekends are harder, because it’s just me and the kids with little other comings and goings.  But then I don’t want nor need to have them go elsewhere every weekend, even just for partial days, as they need me and I need them.  Plus I want them to have as normal of days as possible, and running around to various people every day isn’t what had been normal.  But a sad lonely dad who’s only interested in meals and diapers probably isn’t helping them much either.

We did spend some great quality time with numerous friends this week, for which I’m grateful.  Shake’s, the lake, CJ’s, birthday party, and fish fry were each good for all of us.  I did even get to participate some.  But evidently not enough to keep from whining about my woe on the internet.

Our next door neighbor re-shingled our garage yesterday.  To be nice.  She starts Mizzou soon, moving to the dorm tomorrow in prep for sorority rush.  She’s clearly top notch, but comes by it honestly, as they say.

When I was in high school (glory days) I was at some church youth group thing at our co-youth directors’ house in their living room (this was, obviously, before they got divorced because she was cheating on him with another student at the localish Baptist college life lesson).  Someone conversationally asked what we wanted to be when we grew up…  My reply was “normal”.  Trying to be funny, of course, trying to get out of answering, and then being 16-17 there was some truth to that wish.

Here I sit 20 years later basically wishing for the same thing.  For me, but more importantly for the kids.  And I have no idea how to go about finding normal, except spending enough time doing whatever we’re doing that it becomes the new normal.  I know this will always have been normal to Adelaide & Jack, but that’s almost the most frustrating part of this thought process.  They’ll largely have no idea what they missed out on with Sarah nor who they would have become.  They’re still great kids and I still expect them to be great kids and people, but I constantly find myself disgusted that they were robbed of their mom and that normal.

For me, I have literally no idea what normal is now.  What’s a 37-year old widower with two (for now) pre-school kids do?  Do I even call myself a widower, that seems like a 1920s term?  Wedding band or not?  I’m wearing it, but for how long?  When I fill out a form that’s choices are Married, Single, Divorced, which do I check?  When I remember that Seinfeld said the “widower story tested through the roof”, does that make me an insensitive (to myself?) ass?  I clearly need some time to be an adult, but how do I justify doing that instead of spending every possible minute with the kids?  When I cry at Sarah’s grave, is that normal?  When I don’t, is that?  When I don’t go out there for 3-4 days in a row, partly because I’m sick of the previous thoughts, even though it’s about 100 steps from my house, is that normal?  How do I make sure the kids have a normal life when everyone is focused on making sure their absolute every need is met at every moment of every day?

And is ‘being normal’ what I really want, or am I again just trying to amuse myself while avoiding answering?

Here are a bunch of random thoughts on Friday afternoon.

• The kids are in Malden, tonight will be my first night alone in the house, followed by a mostly full weekend of that.  I’m looking forward to it, a bit like you look forward to going through a haunted house, but I’m looking forward to it.
• Sarah’s been gone a month.  I could use other verbs, but “been gone” is how I feel.  I still expect her to come home any time now.  I find myself wanting to finish all the little projects we were putting off until we had more time, more money, or both, so she’ll be pleasantly surprised by what’s been done. I alternate between scurrying around doing that, scurrying around doing things in memory of her, and doing not much of anything.  It’s a strange cycle.
• I changed the main page of becking.com, I’m sure you noticed.  Not overly pleased with how it looks, so I’ll tweak some, but wanted to move back toward the present.  While doing that, I also made a few updates to Sarah’s Memorial page.  The new things are down at the bottom of that page.
• We’ve sent out bunches and bunches of Thank You cards, but have a ton more to write.  I apologize for that, and apologize further for the inevitable few that don’t ever get them.  I’ve tried to keep track as best I can, but know for sure that I’ve missed some.
• On the Thank Yous, I can’t say enough thanks to everyone that attended Sarah’s Party at Columbia College.  I keep randomly remembering people that I talked to briefly there, and remembering that with appreciation.  Sincerely, it meant a ton at the time and continues to.
• Sunday is the first football event of the year, an event which Sarah has shot every year, even in 100-degree heat while 8-months pregnant with Adelaide.  And she enjoyed it very much, as she spent time with Coach Pinkel and the new kids, then also one last go around with the senior players.  I’ll miss her stories from the day.  The kids and I are going to try to go.  If nothing else, I’ll see how those events are likely to feel for me.
• I hear that some believe AEB has a weight problem.  I agree, she can hardly wait until she’s 16.  I’d ask everyone to get over that issue and not mention it anywhere within 3 miles of me or her.  The last thing any 5-year old girl needs.
• Our friend Jungle has been staying with us during the week, as he transitions to his new job in Jeff City.  At least two times a day someone tells him (that I hear) he should live in Columbia, or even Ashland, not Jeff City.  Poor Jeff City, bless their hearts.
• I’m jacking around some with facebook now.  I keep looking for whatever it is that everyone thinks is so cool, but can’t find it.  So I keep looking.  I’m afraid I’m going to realize I’m a bit like my Grandpa Miller with dessert, can’t decide if I like it or not after just one piece, so I’ll have to have another.
• I’m also jacking around some with pandora.com.  Doesn’t take long at all to figure out what’s so cool about it.
• Here’s to getting through another hour and the role each of you play in helping us with that.
• On a side note, hug your friends and family again.

Went to the pool with Adelaide and Jack on Sunday.  A friend of Adelaide’s showed up, they were excited to see each other.  She swims over to Adelaide and says “Hi Adelaide, I’m sorry your mom died.”  Adelaide handled it very well, but it almost sunk me.  The friend was very very sweet about it, just wasn’t at all what I was expecting to hear.  And then I was nervous about how Adelaide would react (she didn’t, basically).

Like most of my ‘thoughts’ posted here, including the “How Are You?” bit below, I don’t write it hoping or wanting to change anyone’s behavior, just glimpses of what’s going on that strike me as interesting, noteworthy, or that I need to type about so I can move on.  Somehow it had never dawned on me that everyone else we know and are close to that has children will have had many conversations about all this too.

Yesterday Jack told Christa that mommy wasn’t here, she was “at the doctor’s”.  He told me the same thing this morning, “She’s at the doctor’s.  Her belly hurt and they’re fixing her belly.”  Tears from me, while I ask him if he remembers that there were problems and she’s not coming back, that mommy had died.  “Do you remember the party we had for her?”

“Yes,” he says.  “Mommy’s not going to dance on that stage.  She’s not going to wake up either.”  Then he went back to telling me about his toy from Kung Fu Panda.  I sure wish she would dance on that stage.

I started e-mailing the mass updates because I couldn’t remember what I had told to whom.  A little bit of the same thing going on now, it seems.

So anyone that’s interested has a chance to read it, the kids’ schedule appears to be all set.  I’ve hired a girl (lady, kid, whatever) to stay at the house when the kids aren’t in school.  I chose to do that to provide some stability and a chance to just chill at the house for the kids whenever needed.  I’m still hopeful (and assuming) that people will steal the kids from time to time.

Sarah’s (our) friend Christa and her daughter Eve have been in town for about a week, staying a while longer.  They have been a huge help in entertaining the kiddos and keeping me sane.

The kids are going to visit Malden again this weekend.  I was looking at the calendar trying to find a weekend later on for that to happen, so they could see family down there again (and family could see them) and one more dip in the pool before it closed, only to discover that this weekend was pretty much the last chance.  Birthday parties, football, school, football, and birthday parties take up the majority of the remaining weekends between now and Christmas.

Speaking of football, the Tigers are ranked #7 in the USA Today Coaches poll, #4 by Sports Illustrated, and are #1 in our hearts.  Here’s visual proof of one of those.

Mizzou SI Cover -- 8-11-2008

How many times a day in normal circumstances are you asked that question?  20?  50?  I know I use it as a typical greeting all the time.  I wonder how long it will be until it’s a typical greeting to me again?  It borders on making me angry that I know people actually mean it when they ask now.

The honest answer, which I’ve finally started telling people, is “I don’t know.”  Sometimes I’m fine, which then makes me mad for being fine.  Sometimes I’m not, which then makes me mad for feeling sorry for myself.  Sometimes I’m fine until it’s clear the person asking is feeling sorry for me, at which point I get mad at them.  And none of those mads are really mads, just another set of thoughts that happen.

The other part of the answer is it doesn’t really matter, however I am now is only going to last for a few minutes.  I’ll then either find something to distract me or will become distracted by my thoughts.  Yeah, yeah, I know it matters, my point is it just doesn’t last long, no matter the current situation.

I know I’m not fine at work.  I’m here, doing stuff, but not enough.  I’m having an extremely difficult time figuring out how to focus on the more mundane parts of my job.  I will because I need to and they need me to, but I’m thankful that everyone here is looking out for me and asking “How Are You?” too.

People keep encouraging me to keep blogging my thoughts.  I’m remembering that I named this stupid thing “Untimely Thoughts” after attending a funeral and wondering if I should rename it now.

Today is Saturday, it’s the first day where I haven’t had ‘something’ to do.  Routine has been very helpful to me, and lack of same is failing me mostly today.  Normal Saturday routine when we had nothing to do would have been doing random junk with Sarah and the kids all day.  I can’t, of course, and it sucks.

The kids spent part of today at Sarah’s dad’s house, with me allegedly being productive at the house.  While I did accomplish some, feel like mostly what I accomplished was looking around and wishing Sarah was here.  It’s an any weepy girl from any weepy Hallmark commercial day for me.  A big outdoor BBQ at friends’ tonight, though, which should be good for the kiddos and me.

I’ve started the search for memorial stones, with as little luck as I would have expected.  I’m generally looking to start from something like this, if anyone knows of any place.   Start from there, then include some brass, some gerber daisies, a sun, and I’ll go on and on toward tackiness I’m afraid.

Just so it’s in this space too, I’ve created a webpage in memorial to Sarah.  I’ll update it as time goes on and other memorials continue to happen or be written.   It’ll also serve as the main page of becking.com until whatever random moment feels appropriate to change it.

Speaking of random moments to change, I’ll say that some of the hardest junk coming up recently are stupid decisions like when is the appropriate time to turn off an e-mail address or a cell phone.  I ended up doing it when I dreaded checking them more than I despised taking the action to turn them off.  Similarly, if anyone works for the Social Security office, you should give serious thought to improving your stupid automated phone system.  It’s bad enough having to make that call, considerably worse having to make it repeatedly because the idiotic system keeps telling you to call back later and hanging up on you.

Finally, football season approaches.  While the thought of Golden Girls in the fall is appealing to the family (mostly to Adelaide, but to me and various papas too), the thought of the upcoming season is extremely bittersweet for me.  During the games I spent a lot of time communicating with Sarah.  Glances and text messages and laughter.  Post-game we’d each do our own breakdowns of what happened for us and then I’d spend a few hours reviewing her pictures.  Tailgates, 14-0, generally Mizzou-RAH-edness will no doubt happen, but I’m having a hard time imaging it right now.

on a side note, hug your friends and family.

The whole family is in Columbia now.  As we were leaving this morning, Adelaide asked “Are we going to have a party for Mom when we get to Columbia?”  Yes, absolutely!  Two in fact.  While we always try to be much more about the celebration, that is certainly the case now.

Visitation will be on Friday, July 11, from 4:00 – 7:00 p.m.  Family is welcome at 3:00.
The Party Honoring Sarah will be on Saturday, July 12, at 2:00 p.m.

Both events are at Launer Auditorium on the campus of Columbia College, 1001 Rogers Street.  Warren Funeral Chapel is handling the arrangements, with much help from the fabulous people at Columbia College.

We’ve also received many questions about flowers, etc.  While nothing is required and anything is appreciated, we’d encourage you to consider giving to one of the following in lieu of flowers, especially one of the first two.

Palliative Care Gift Account
Ellis Fischel Cancer Center
Development Office
One Hospital Drive, DC066.00
Columbia, MO 65212

POYi
Missouri School of Journalism
103 Neff Hall
Columbia, MO 65211

Adelaide and Jack Becking Education Account
Boone County National Bank
PO Box 678
Columbia, MO  65205

Or a charity of your choice.

Sarah died yesterday afternoon, July 7, 2008, in Kenner, Louisiana.  She was 36 years and 1 month old, and left us way too damned soon.  She encountered more complications early that morning, which caused both lung and blood pressure difficulties.  They were able to stabilize her a couple of times, but only briefly.  Despite the fight she put up and the hard work of the nurses and doctors, we simply lost her too soon.

She was a loving wife, a great friend, had a happy spirit, saw the best in people, and was an outstanding mother.  The kids and I are in Malden now, will be returning to Columbia tomorrow.  Sarah’s mom and dad are en route to Columbia now to be with her brother and his family.

There’s simply nothing about it that seems fair or right, but I guess that’s why they call it fate.  Perhaps the incident two years ago was simply a wake up call so we could fully appreciate these past two years, which we certainly did.

Arrangement planning has not begun, really, but I would expect services on Friday or Saturday in Columbia.  I appreciate all the notes and phone calls of support and offers to help.  I will clearly need help, as will the kids.  They need their mom and I can’t do that.

I close this e-mail the way I’ve ended most phone conversations, go hug your friends and family.

Sarah loved you all, and I appreciate that love flowing back toward us now.

In my last update, I mentioned that Sarah was back in ICU, on the ventillator, under sedation.  Those things are still true, and likely to remain true for the next few days.

What has changed, though, is my definition of progress.   That update called general stability throughout the day as progress, where we now hear reports of improvement daily.  It’s details like liver function being improved, blood pressure being higher, platelet count being higher, etc.  And every day there’s a detail or two mixed in that’s slightly worse, some of those details are predictable while an occasional surprise pops up.  However, the overall picture for each of the past three days is improved.  And that improvement allows them to make bigger changes to her treatment, over time hopefully speeding up the recovery.

The best news of today is they feel like the infection is under control or better.  They’re still monitoring for something different too, and we’re still watching for other signs, but it seems to be an improvement.  She still has a pretty good fever, which is causing some concern still, but they link it more (now) to her central nervous system still fighting.  While it’s no longer necessary, her system (maybe still remembering the pain from earlier, the trauma of the surgery, and likely impacted by coming off some medication) is still in ‘AGHH!’ mode.  Fever, higher heart rate, higher breathing rate, and higher blood pressure are part of that until her internal system resets, which we fully expect to happen.

While not giving me a quote for the e-mail, when asked the doc indicated we’ll likely be involved with this for another 3 weeks or so, counting some physical therapy necessary due to the amount of time Sarah will have gone with minimal movement.  Not major, should recover from that part quickly, but naturally more quickly the sooner she can start.  And not how we intended to spend July, but that’s how it is.

So, all that said, a lack of an update for a day or two (or three or four) doesn’t indicate much.   Progress at the moment is slow, and is likely to continue to move more slowly than we’d wish, but progress is progress and we’ll take it.

Thanks to all for the continued thoughts and prayers.  The kids are still in Malden, and at this point I’m not sure they’ll ever want to return to Columbia.  Sorry I haven’t returned every call, e-mail, or text message.  Most times it depends on timing more than how much I like you.  Most times.  On a side note, screw ku.