Jason's Untimely Thoughts

Our beloved Tigers are undefeated in Big XII action, and play the Longhorns from the University of Texas on Saturday at 11:00 a.m. Texass is ranked #2 in the country, although their quarterback would be in a battle to be the second-string guy on our team. Regardless, they will put our undefeated record to the test. Good omens abound, though, so prepare yourselves for the victory. Brad Smith is the man, and we’ll see on the field proof once again on Saturday.

If you’ve ever lived in Texas, odds are you hate UT. Primarily that’s because their fans are obnoxious. It’s all kind of odd, because their most obnoxious fans were typically too dumb, too poor, or too ugly (or all three) to get into UT, but still find a way to cheer for the Longhorns and claim they invented everything from the Split T to the fastbreak and that everything’s bigger and better in Texas. The people that went to UT are normally OK, it’s the hangers-on (George W) for example) that ruin it for the rest of them.

If you’ve never lived in Texas, odds are you also hate UT. Whether it’s the ugly all-white uniforms, the constant barrage of “I’ve been working on the railroad” when they come to town, the 15-20 60-yeard old men that go to every Big XII basketball tournament game insisting on dressing alike and sitting together, the idiotic “Don’t Mess with Texas” coffee mugs that also get associated with the flagship university, or the random Texans you run into that claim they invented everything from the Split T to the fastbreak and that everything’s bigger and better in Texas. Nothing says tough guy like a joker with a coffee mug.

If it wasn’t for the smelly prairie chickens to our west, the ‘horns would clearly be the most despised team in the conference. The only redeeming quality is Texas Toast, who doesn’t love huge pieces of butter-covered bread?

Tailgating will start at 9:00, for sure, probably earlier. No idea what food will or won’t be there.

p.s. No offense intended to anyone actually named “Tex” who received this e-mail, anyone that might have mistakenly voted for GW, or anyone who might happen to live in the state of Texas. I’m not intending to mess with you and your fancy coffee mug.

It’s been a decidedly unfunny week, set into motion by a decidedly unfunny football game. Instead of being 7.692% of the way to an undefeated season, naysayers abound saying the Tigers are approximately 18% of the way to a 5-6 season. Down with naysayers. If Bob Marley’s taught us anything it’s that positive vibes can make it so (along with the ganja). One Love. “One love! one heart! Let’s get together and feel all right.” Sadly the next line mentions children crying, so even Rasta may not save us now.

Tomorrow, the Tigers take on the Trojans from Troy. How long do you think that mascot decision took? I guess the Troy Troys was too obvious. How would you like our nickname to be the Mizzou Missourians? Last year, the Trojans beat the Tigers, but their best player now plays for the Dallas Cowboys so all is forgiven. Oddsmakers place the Tiggs at 20+ point favorites, so place your bets.

Game time is at 1:00 p.m. We’ll be tailgating by 11:00. For some reason, I have a feeling there won’t be much of a crowd.

p.s. I never saw the movie Troy, but assume it was bad since Brad Pitt was in it. insert standard Brad Pitt/college drop-out/Springfield redneck joke here.

Happy Football Season Tiger fans,

The Tigers play their first home game this Saturday night, with kickoff scheduled for 6:00 p.m. We play the Lobos from New Mexico. For anyone interested in correcting my Mexican above, don’t bother. Like all good sophisticants, I took French. I can’t begin to tell you how useful French was in Malden, Mo. Comment ca va? If you’re not planning on attending the game, you can fly to Albuquerque and watch it on TV.

Sarah & I will be tailgating once again, same spot as last year (Lot D). As with the first game last year, we’ll be coupled with my work tailgate, so come out and watch the show. Buckingham’s will be bringing a bunch of BBQ to be served at 4:00 and we’ll have ample beer, lemonade, and tea, for you and yours. I’ll probably be out there by 2:00 or so, almost certainly before that really, but there’s only so much fun one man can have with 2 kegs.

The Tigers are 1-0, exactly 7.692% of the way to their undefeated season. Naysayers, be warned. Mizzou beat the Indians of Arkansas State at Arrowhead Stadium last week, almost certainly causing an NCAA investigation into native american mascot abuse. In retribution, Arkansas beat “Mizzou State” last week, but nothing like I’d like to, the name stealing bastards.

Numerous times this year I’ve commented about football season being the happiest time of the year. It hasn’t exactly been true inside the stadium, but the tailgating has been grand. Friends, family, perfect weather, and numerous kiddos at the tailgate have been great. Now on to the hatred….

It all comes to a close this Saturday when our beloved Tigers take on the mythical shoe-wearing bird, woody woodpecker look-alike, wouldn’t trade Roy Williams for God, even though he’s a smarmy lying aw-shucks acting, cursing on national TV, scum who now coaches somewhere else scum, football head coach got kicked out of his son’s game for berating the official, fans will be quick to point out how much “class” they have while wearing their “Muck Fizzou” shirt, named after Civil War era vagabond redleggers from the smelly state to our west scum.

I’ve personally asked several people in the athletic department to instruct Coach Pinkel to beat KU by 100 points, so I’m confident it will be so. Either way, I plan on bringing a baseball bat to the game in case that shoe-wearing bird of a mascot comes my way. I’m scared of giant stuffed woodpeckers, or so I’ll tell the police. It’s like those tiny ears of corn you get at banquets, simply not natural.

Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m. Weather forecast currently says cloudy and cool for gametime. We’ll be out at the tailgate by 11:00 or so. It’s Senior Day at Farout Field, so go inside early and yell at a senior…., uh, give a senior the clap…. well, you get the idea.

You can’t spell “sucks” with KU.

Quote from beaker defensive end Charlton Keith, as reported on KU’s website earlier this week. “I have gained a lot of weight since I’ve been here. Coach Mangino has been patient with me, teaching me different techniques and a lot of other things.”

Rock chalk chickenhawk, screw ku.

The Mildcats from Kansass State University come to Columbia this Saturday. They are so poor that can’t even afford a whole uniform for their mascot. Just send the dope out there with a head on his head.

While certainly not of the stature we thought it would be at the beginning of the season, the game could hardly be more important for the Tigers. After we beat the little applets, Nebraska will get beat by the Tornado-Birds from ISU. That will put us in a three-way tie for first place in the north. As we all know, tied up in a three way is a good place to be. (On a similar topic, is there any possible way our esteemed President doesn’t giggle and smile everytime he hears the word “election” while he thinks to himself, “that rhymes with ‘erection’ “.)

Kick off is at 11:30 a.m., which will traditionally put a serious dent in the tailgating crowd. I’ll be there by 10, no promises from Sarah or AEB on their attendance. Who am I kidding, i’ll probably be there by 9. come see me!

Please disregard the earlier K-State Wins e-mail from this address… my computer was hijacked by the pessimistic jokers that sit around us (“Did you see that Bob? That Bill Snyder is the best coach in the country. What we should do is, line up 15 men to the right of the center and then throw it back to the left. And we should do that all day, because when Devine was here I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time….”)

The e-mail prior to that mentioned comparison of Orange Pants, Purple Camos, and mythical shoe-wearing birds. While the OSU crowd had a poor showing in their orange pants, you can count on the most obnoxious fans of the past 10 years to have a proud showing of purple camoflouge pants. We’re trending upward on disgustivity, peaking in 2 weeks with an influx of the dozens of KU football fans.

Jungle was coming in for the game, but he’s going to Hawaii instead. Silly jungle.

I mentioned earlier this year that football season is the happiest time of the year…. That is never more true than Homecoming Weekend. When else can you wake up on Saturday morning full of energy and excitement, go sit in the rain and watch a parade full of floats that are falling apart, walk through countless wet leaves to get to the game, and then realize it’s 15 degrees cooler inside the stadium than it was at the tailgate? Ahh, those are good times. Luckily, this year the weather man is calling for clear skies and a high of 66. It will be nothing but fruit punch and bubble gum here in Columbia, Missouri.

Game time Saturday is at 2:30 p.m. against the Cowboys of Oklahoma State University. Sarah & I will be at the tailgate around 11 or so. As always, if you’d like us to bring anything out for you please have it to our house sometime Friday night. We’ve got wings coming again and appreciate everyone’s efforts on food/drink thus far this year. If you haven’t been to the new tailgating spot yet, you’re missing out. It turned out to be a great move.

We’re just past the halfway point of the season with 3 home games remaining. These three games will give all Mizzou fans the opportunity to discover for themselves exactly which is more obnoxious — Orange Pants, Purple Camouflage, or mythical shoe-wearing birds. I believe we all know the answer to that question already, but to give a nod in Okie State’s direction, as a wise man once told me “You can’t be proud running around in orange pants.”

This game may very well be the toughest remaining on our schedule, but a win over the ‘Pokes (their stupid nickname, not mine) along with the losses KU, CU, and either Neebraska or K-State will suffer will combine to cement our status as Big XII North champeens.

Other tidbits, some joker from CNN is Grand Marshall of this year’s festivities… I don’t know who it is, but it would be cooler if it was James Earl Jones…. the basketball Tigers will scrimmage in the new arena an hour after the football game is over… The scrimmage will cost you $5 to get in… Word from the coaching staff is this year we have a true point guard and we’ll focus on rebounding and defense… Wait, that might have been last year’s word… or the year before… Hey, at least we’ve got a shiny new arena… Sarah is taking pictures at the Tony Bennett concert Friday night including a meet and greet session later that night with the Super Big Wig donors… None of us even qualified to get an invitation to the party, much less the Super Big Wig donor meet and greet… Every politician of all stripes will be in the parade Saturday morning and will have enthusiastic lackeys passing out crap before the game… Nothing you do all day will be more fun than yelling “PROPAGANDA” very loudly right as each one of those jokers tries to give you their cleverly-designed red & blue flag-motif sticker… Brad Pitt is supposed to be in town sometime this week… I plan on stalking him just so I can make fun of his college drop-outedness… Stupid Machi…. Doesn’t he know he’ll never be succesful without a college degree?

screw ku.

The new phonebooks arrived yesterday, which naturally made me think of the movie “The Jerk”. Then, I went home for lunch and Sarah & Adelaide were listening to some kids’ CD version of “Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale of Cotton…”, which of course also made me think of the movie “The Jerk”. If the thought of Navin R. Johnson, typical run of the mill bastard, being shot at while pumping gas doesn’t make you laugh, you just don’t know funny.

The whole thing made me wish we could all run off and join the circus for a wild fling with the daredevil motorcycle jumping lady/guy of your choice. Since that’s not likely, come out to the tailgate instead. The Tiggers face the puffaloes from Colorado University at 2:30 p.m. on Saturday. Sarah may or may not be taking pictures from a plane pre-game, but we’ll all be out at the tailgate by 10:00 or so regardless. We’re going to have some wings from CJ’s, and various other things that people may or may not bring. (If anyone from CJ’s is listening, please order me up some togo wings for Saturday).

CU is 3-0 thus far this season, but they’ve given up a bajillion yards on defense so we’ll be fine. The good guys have won their last 8 games at home, conveniently letting me ignore disasters at shoebirdville last year and the home of Troy this year. Tigers will move to 3-1 on the season and into first place in the Big XII North with a victory over the only University in the nation who’s had more bad press than us recently (recall, their president (female) trying to pass of cu** as a term of endearment for females, in court no less. At least our people had the good sense to only make idiotic statements on tape-recorded jail house conversations).

So, to recap:

• Come on out to the tailgate.
• Eat some wings, sandwiches, etc.,
• Have a beverage.
• See kids run around.
• Discuss Steve Martin’s “The Jerk”

Who knows, there might even be actual live weight guessing. “Take a chance and win some crap!”.

And for more proof that the internet knows all, this link leads to what appears to be the entire script to The Jerk. http://blake.prohosting.com/bamzone/jerksc.txt

screw ku.

Well, we’re still undefeated at home! It’s been a week, and I’m still disgusted about the Troy State game, but what do you do. Tailgate, that’s what.

The Tigers face the Cardinals from Ball State University on Saturday at 1:00 p.m. Sarah & I will be out at the tailgate by 10:00. As always, please feel free to stop by. If you’d like us to take anything to the tailgate for you, please bring to the house Friday night sometime.

On to Muncie, Indiana’s own Ball State University…. how long do you suppose they had to think about the name “Ball State”? Seriously. Ball State? Luckily, the internet has all the answers. From www.bsu.edu “HISTORY — The university began as a private normal school that opened in 1899. Eventually, the campus and buildings were purchased by the Ball brothers, Muncie industrialists, and given to the State of Indiana in 1918. The institution became a university in 1965.”

After reading that, the more serious question is “began as a private normal school”? All the creative juices were flowing when they wrote that one. As opposed to all the other universities in Indiana that began as wide-open insitutions for three-legged bug eaters? I’m trying to come up with any good reason for including “private normal school” in their history. First person to send me a funny one wins a prize.

Anyway, tailgate, Saturday, 10:00 a.m., kickoff, 1:08 p.m. If the game’s not over by half-time prepare for more public grunting and moaning.

It’s football time in Columbia, Missouri, the happiest time of the year. After going undefeated at home last year, the Tigers are prepared to win at all locations in 2004 (& early 2005) on their way to a 13-0 record. Doubters be warned.

Saturday, our beloved Tigers take on the Indians from Arkansas State University at 6 p.m. Nationally known as a women’s tennis powerhouse, little else is known about the school in Jonesboro, Arkansas. I will tell you, however, that if you try to pronounce Jonesboro even close to phonetically correct while actually in Jonesboro they’ll assume you’re on the firewater and will drag you from their dry county. Pray they don’t take you to Blytheville where you’ll face even greater sanctions for your proper diction.

Beyond that, I don’t know much about the Indians except that someone from my high school once went there to play football after scoring a 9 (or 7, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt) on his ACT. I’d say he was as dumb as a rock, but I saw a really smart rock on Sesame Street this morning, so I’m not sure it’s a fair comparison.

Since I didn’t know much about them, I went to ASUIndians.com. I then clicked on “Football” and learned all sorts of things from their “Football Resources” — all articles about 2002. I know they’re a little behind down there, still amazed that fire is hot and all, but come on… The grapevine also tells me that the ASU alumni association is planning a pre-game tailgate & bbq. It’s BYO squirrel or turtle (or armidillo if you’re feeding the whole family).

Sarah & I will be tailgating again this fall, Lot D is the new location. For this first tailgate, we’ll also be coupled with the Miller’s Professional Imaging company outing. I figured if we’re going to move to a new spot, might as well make everyone good and mad while we take over the neighborhood.

BYOB is always appreciated, but we’ll also have beer & Buckingham’s available. Expecting about 100 people from work, so it could be quite a crowd at the new tailgating site. I should be at the lot by 1:00 or so, with food scheduled to arrive at 4:00.

as always, screw ku.

On Saturday, Mizzou plays their final home game of the season, improving to 8-4 on the year and 6-0 at home. Kickoff is scheduled for 12:00 n, we don’t expect much of a tailgating crowd so won’t be out there much before 11:00. If you’re looking for a ride or want us to haul stuff for you, please let me know.

Zack Abron will become MU’s all-time leading rusher on Saturday, needing just 13 more yards. I say he gets this on a 22-yard scamper in the first quarter.

Brad Smith needs 286 yards passing to become the first player in NCAA history to have two seasons with over 2,000 yards passing and 1,000 yards rushing. If he doesn’t get 286 yards tomorrow, he will certainly still manage the trick in the bowl game. It’s also fairly reasonable that Smith will become MU’s career Total Offense (yardage) record holder in the bowl game. If not, he’ll certainly get that milestone as junior. Smith likely won’t get any milestones tomorrow as we’ll be beating Iowa State so bad it will be in poor taste to throw.

There’s not much funny to say about Iowa State. The notable things for them are that they suck, they’re not very good, and they suck. (They had it going on for a while, but amazingly enough it fell apart shortly after they hired the coach KU just fired. The KU stench is powerful stuff.) Traditionally, their uniform choices have resembled candy corn. One year they had the Offense and the Defense wear different colored helmets. Their team name is Cyclone, their mascot is Cy the Cardinal , and in print they represent all this as a bird stuck in a tornado. Not exactly a fierce image of a team that’s got it all figured out. “We’re so good we got stuck inside the other part of our mascot!” Makes me wonder if they go to Halloween parties as the back guy in the two-person donkey costume.

The Tigers are going bowling, I predict to the Alamo Bowl in San Antone. We’ll beat some overrated Big 10+1 school there, then just over three months later the basketball Tigers will win a couple of games in the same building.

I close with a heart-warming holiday story.
The Flight
A Missouri alum gets on a plane headed home to Kansas City, MISSOURI, for the holidays. As he sits down he introduces himself to the guy across the aisle from him and learns he is a KU alum. He kicks off his shoes and announces he’s getting a coke and offers to get one for the KU alum. When he leaves to get the coke, the ku alum leans over and spits in his left shoe. When he returns, he discovers a second ku alum has joined the first and repeats his offer. When the second accepts and the MU alum goes to get him a coke, the second ku alum leans over and spits in his right shoe. Upon landing, the Missouri alum slips his feet back into his shoes. He immediately realizes what has happened as the two kansas alums are laughing out loud. The Missouri alum sighs and says, “when are we going to get over this insane hatred of each other? The spitting in shoes… the pissing in cokes…”