Jason's Untimely Thoughts

Adelaide’s birthday was yesterday — she turned 10.  Every parent everywhere says it, but it’s hard to believe how quickly those 10 years have gone.  She had some friends over for a sleepover this weekend, we’ll be going to dinner with family tonight, having another gathering on Saturday, and she had flowers delivered to her at school and at home.  In all a good birthday, I think.  But at bedtime she said “I wish mom was here to tell me happy birthday.”

Tears, then and now.

I generally don’t let the kids say “that’s not fair.”  Even if it’s not, learning to get through the unfairness is part of life, and too often there’s nothing you can do to even the playing field.  However, it’s simply not fair that Adelaide and Jack lost their mom.  It still sucks, and I don’t want them to think otherwise.

All that said, things are going pretty well.  Kim has taken to the family, and us to her, and the same with Brandon.  In all, everyone gets along great and we are chugging along.  We’ve been married almost 5 months, and in a good way, it seems like a lot longer than that.  It’s a happy, busy time.

It’s also a weird time.  We’re all living multiple lives, while we figure out how the new life works.  The kids all have new siblings, or in Brandon’s case multiple new siblings in separate houses in separate cities.  Kim’s adjusting, I’m sure, to having two new kids depending on her as well as my idiosyncrasies.   And a lack of closet space.

As for me, I’m still married to Sarah.  Her family is still my family.  All the goods and bads that come their way also come my way.  Obviously, though, I’m also lucky enough to be married to Kim.  Through circumstances and good nature, Kim understands much of what I’m dealing with intuitively, and has made considerable effort effortlessly to respect and honor my first marriage and that family as well.  I appreciate it.

But the hard part to reconcile, as good as everything is with Kim, I too wish Sarah was here to tell Adelaide happy birthday.  And there’s no way to say/type/think that sentence, without feeling guilty or wondering if I’m hurting Kim’s feelings.  And then, obviously, if I don’t say/think/type that sentence, it’s being disrespectful to Sarah. And on and on and on.

It’s a weird place, to be living in two worlds.  It would possibly be better if one of those worlds had a job, I suppose.  Soon enough.