Jason's Untimely Thoughts

A couple of tidbits on Everything Changes —  Friday, June 5, 2009, at The Soiled Dove in Denver, Colorado.

Tickets are now on sale online, in a limited supply.  They are $30 for a single and $50 for a pair and can be purchased here.

For any traveling to Denver, hotel reservations at the DoubleTree need to be made by May 6, in order to receive the discounted rate.  Reservations can be made here or by calling 303-321-3333 and giving group code Everything Changes.

Anyone interested in submitting work for the photo contest (only limitation is that theme is also Everything Changes) should email work to everythingchanges@becking.com.  Reminder, photos e-mailed will also be made available for low-resolution download after the event for a donation to the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers Foundation.

Concert lineup is Hazel Miller, Col. Redbone, Velvet Elvis, Sonic Junkies, and Confunkcious.  Doors open at 6:30, show ends when the show ends.

Facebook page on the event is here.  Any questions, please e-mail me.

Thanks to all who are helping with this.  Thanks to all who are attending this.   And thanks to all for patience with my emails on this.

• The kids and I are closer than ever before, despite appearances from our daily bickerings.
• Our new kitchen tile looks great.
• Adelaide seems to have had an excellent almost complete kindergarten year, including learning a ton and making many friends.
• Jack loves pre-school and has also learned a lot and made a bunch of friends.
• Megan has been an absolute blessing with the kids and around the house and is able to continue during the summer.
• My job is good and continues to be a distraction and source of entertainment.
• New babies have joined our circle of friends, congrats to Adam & Melanie and Nichole & Tim!
• Eric & Chantelle will welcome baby #2 into their home soon.
• Adelaide will be in a wedding for the first time, serving as flower girl in Mitch & Anita’s wedding on May 30.
• It finally appears that Spring is here.  Warm weather and sunshine will be good for all of us.
• The kids & I will travel to Colorado in June, their first visit to the Mountains, as Jack turns 4.
• Chelsea Lately and The Daily Show make me laugh most nights
• The Daily Show, the Columbia Daily Tribune, and Time magazine keep me well enough informed that I can avoid all other news broadcasts.
• Co-workers keep me well enough informed that I can avoid The Today Show, People, and E News.
• Baseball season has started.
• Football season follows closely behind.
• Mizzou fans can now be excited about both football and basketball seasons (and wrestling, gymnastics, soccer, baseball, softball, volleyball, track & field, etc.)
• A test for ku suckiness.

I had a great trip to Phoenix/Scottsdale over the weekend.  A great time.

I’d been there once before, on a Spring Break trip in 1993 or so.  We hit Santa Fe, the Grand Canyon, and Phoenix that trip, spending St. Patrick’s Day in Phoenix.  Since I was never able to find anything close to a reasonable rate on a rental car this trip, I caught a Super Shuttle from the airport to the hotel.   They would make a few stops first, but $16.  I’ll take it.

First stop from the airport, about midnight, pull in front of a bar.  I look out, it’s Seamus McCaffery’s.  I curse.  In my one previous trip to Phoenix, that’s the one bar we went to.  Crazy.  When I finally make it to the hotel at 1:00 a.m. local time (3:00 my normal time), I email the guys that were on that earlier trip.  “I’m relatively sure I took off my pants in that place to show my ankle tattoo!” came the reply.  Yes, you did.  A story that I told to everyone on the shuttle just a few hours earlier.

The rest of the trip was all basketball and Mizzou fans.  Which was great.  I love football… love it.  But basketball trips are better than football trips, without a doubt.  The ‘family’ is so much smaller, the games are more frequent, it’s just a more intimate and fun atmosphere.  Football everyone is so wound up until the game starts that there’s no fun.  Then once the game is over, everyone scatters and that’s that.

Basketball is just more relaxed.  And then in tournaments, there’s another game in a day or two.  So, especially after a big win, everyone comes back to the hotel and hangs out.  It’s fun to see the players, coaches, and families in that atmostphere.  They and the athletic department staff are able to hang out with fans and supporters some, soak in the congratulations.  And then the Mizzou fans just dominate the hotel bar and run the always understaffed group ragged, but good-naturedly.

It’s a group of uncommon backgrounds together for a common thing, so a real sense of camaradarie develops.  It’s awesome, no matter how cheesy it sounds here.

Beyond the wins and losses, the best part is being able to connect and re-connect with other Mizzou fans, the staff that’s on a bit of a working vacation, and everyone associated with the deal.  Just a fun time with new friends and old friends.  And the games themselves offer another opportunity to connect with friends and fans that are in from wherever.

Plus, it was in Phoenix, in the sun, in 80 degrees, didn’t see a single cloud, saw lots of beautiful scenery, and the Tigers played exceptionally well twice.

Yay Phoenix.  Go Tigers.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping… seems like it has been 2 months since I’ve written anything, but really only 2 weeks.

It’s Spring Break week in Columbia, so the kids are in Malden for their vacation.  For some reason it struck me on Sunday how different the pace of life is when they’re not around.  Lunch took about 2 minutes, dinner another 4-5 minutes, going to the hardware store didn’t result in an argument over not buying a crappy plastic toy.  And so on.

With a relaxed pace in place, I couldn’t let it be.  Drove to KC Monday night for dinner with an old friend and then to the semi-finals of the NAIA Men’s Basketball Tournament.  My old employer, Columbia College, made quite a run in the tournament, winning four games before eventually falling in the National Championship game.  Much congratulations to them.

With the kids out of town and the basketball Tigers doing well (Big 12 Tournament Champions, 30 wins for first time in school history, etc.), I’m headed to Phoenix tonight for their Sweet 16 contest with the University of Memphis on Thursday. On these trips I’ve taken to moving Sarah’s luggage tag to whichever suitcase I end up bringing.  A stupid thing that started by chance, but she’d certainly be accompanying me under the correct circumstances.

The Tigers will then play on Saturday night for the chance to go to the Final Four, so I’ll stick around for that game too.  Much congratulations to them, too.

My older brother Mitch is newly engaged.  He and Anita are planning a May 30 wedding in SE Missouri.  While purely a coincidence, that is our 10th Wedding Anniversary.  Adelaide is going to be a flower girl, JT might/not be a ring bear.  Much congratulations to them too!

Our new kitchen is having new ceramic tile installed starting today also.  I went with black & white checkerboard, similar to the linoleum that was installed originally.  Emptied the kitchen for that installation, including a completely empty refrigerator.  Not surprisingly, the room looks sad and empty, but will be better when we return.

The kids continue to do very well.  Amazing to talk to them on the phone now when they’re away, as both of them sound so grown up.

I continue to be blah.  The things and people that excite me excite me less than they used to (although the Tigers game vs Marquette certainly got me going).  New things either aren’t all that intersting to me or aren’t all that interested in me.  I keep trying though, including going to ridiculous lengths (flying to Arizona by myself on a whim, for example) to enjoy the things that I know I will.

Nothing funny to say, it seems.  If anyone has a connection with a Phoenix-area rental car company, send them my way.  Congrats Cougars, Congrats Tigers, Congrats Mitch & Anita, and on a side note, screw ku.

I’ve long had an aversion to cooking.  Basically, I’m completely content having a sandwich or a bowl of cereal for almost any meal.  When that doesn’t work, restaurants will.

With the onslaught of kindness since July, we had meal upon meal delivered to us, which fed my aversion well.  Although that stopped a couple of months ago, I’d still avoided the stove and the oven nicely (microwave doesn’t count).  Not even a frozen pizza in the oven by my hand.

Tuesday is Adelaide’s dance night.  Dance is at 6:15, we try to start the bedtime routine at 7:30, I normally get home from work about 5:15, so Tuesday is a mad rush day, normally resulting in a hurried stop at a restaurant on the way to dance.

This week I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner.  Adelaide said a turkey sandwich, which was very easily done.  Jack said “Cheese grill”.  Huh?  Adelaide informed me that meant a grilled cheese sandwich and “Oh, but you don’t know how to make that.”  So, for the first time in literally months, probably years, I turned on the burner and “cooked” a meal.  It’s an extremely trivial thing, but one that had much symbolism and meaning to me.  I’m not sure what the meaning was, but it was awfully hard to turn that dial.

Dinner Club is also this week, which also has much meaning to me.  Our group of seven couples was originally started by good friends of ours that have since moved.  We rotate houses and themes, trying to gather monthly but really fairly sporadically.  When the group first started, Jack was either nearly born or a newborn, so we missed the first many many times.  By the time we finally attended, our friends had moved to Texas, the other couple we knew had moved to Washington, and we sat down at a table full of people that we didn’t know and that weren’t quite sure how we came to be in their group.

Overtime, I’ve come to think of each person in that group as great friends.  Great friends.  We had them to our house for regularly scheduled dinner club almost immediately after Sarah’s surgery/diagnosis in May 2006, which was a welcome home, a welcome back to normal, and a welcome sign that things were going to be OK for us.  In ways the group could never have known.

We depended on that group for medical advice and were fortunate beyond all measures that we’d joined them for that reason alone.  Everyone had kids, so parenting advice.  Different circles, so just a great way to go out and be adults when the occasion allowed.  It is a happy gathering of happily married people.  We’d sometimes make a point (most times with direction from a specific clubber) to sit away from spouses…. would almost always make a point to sit boy-girl-boy-girl (again, most times with direction from a specific clubber).

Various of the group would have larger gatherings, where kids and non-dinner club people were also allowed.  One of the only specific things Adelaide remembers about this past July is that she missed two of her favorite July 4th events because we were in New Orleans… the annual Stewart Park parade and going to a couple’s family farm for revelry and fireworks.

It’s a rare group that Sarah & I only knew together.  No one was “her friend” or “my friend” first, they were simply our friends.  And they’re all still our friends, but I feel out of place any more.  So, at least for now, Friday night will be my last dinner club.  I hope to still be invited to the occasional larger gatherings.  And I hope I can attend those, where the reminders of my lack of coupledom are less obvious yet can still be around the new group of our old friends.

I finalized the order for Sarah’s memorial stone last week, payment included, so that is officially in the works now.  It’ll likely be another 3-4 months before delivery.

Below is the working drawing.  The only change from what I’d posted previously is going away from a bronze vase on top.  I was simply trying to avoid providing temptation for troublemakers.

SEMB Memorial Stone

I’d ordered the bronze suns and gerber daisies while I was in San Antonio for the Alamo Bowl, those arrived last week as well.  (Bad) pictures below.

So the kids’ normal bedtime routine is to read a couple of books, then fall asleep watching a movie.  With any luck, they both fall asleep.  Otherwise, hopefully the one sleeping remains that way while the other one yells at me with an update.  Think I’ve told this tale before.

Sometime around Christmas, they came home with a new favorite movie, Mr. Mom.  Yep, that one.  Michael Keaton, Teri Garr, that one.  They love it, think it’s the funniest thing since the most recent funniest thing.  Which I find extremely annoying, because it feels like they’re laughing at me.  Of course, I’ve refused to watch it again, so maybe I should do that.  220, 221, whatever it takes.

The kids were gone Friday night, so I headed downtown to meet a friend.  Or two, but one of them stood us up for either high school wrestlers or high school cheerleaders, depending on which story you believe.  It was all good, nice dinner and conversation and cold beers.  But then done around 8:00 with absolutely nothing to do.  It’s still ridiculously odd and uncomfortable to go home to an empty house in those circumstances.  But was cold and odder to walk around downtown aimlessly so home I went.  I’m practically begging for some time alone at times, but am often still unable to really cope when that happens.

I’m still detailing the details of both new kitchen tile and Sarah’s monument.  Both of which I would much prefer to have her opinion on.  People (women mostly) tell tales of going and buying new whatever and their spouses not knowing anything of it, but that’s not how we operated.  We generally made all those decisions together… The stoplight in the living room, the colors on the walls, the silverware, the new tv, we bought most of it together.  After much conversation in most cases.

Back to people laughing at me, here’s some funny flaws pointed out recently:

• In a conversation about opinions, I stated something along the lines of “I just state my opinion, when asked.”  A friend then responded, rightly, something along the lines of “you don’t just state your opinion.  You wad it up in a ball and wing it at the person.”  Fair enough.  Which explains why I sometimes have a post it note above my keyboard at work saying “Be Nice.”  I don’t mean to be mean.  Rarely think I actually am, of course I’m probably not the best person to ask that.
• Someone also recently mentioned a book they said reminded them of me.  Or I reminded them of the book.  Or something.  So I go to Amazon and find it, start reading the review.  “His analysis (is) personally revealing rather than profoundly insightful” and “sometimes falls into merely self-indulgent musing.”  I have no idea what made them think of me.
• I was also reminded that I was clueless and occasionally idiotic with regards to dating in the early years of college especially.  (Mostly it was me reminding myself of theses facts, and I’m sure others could chime in here.  Please don’t.)  Glad that’s no longer an issue.

Last Saturday, a group of folks who I’d asked came to the house and went through Sarah’s closet and other personal belongings.  It’s one of those transition things that people always talk about being hard.  I skirted my responsibilities by having them do it, while I entertained the kids all day.

Not skirting, though, really, as I thought that was the best group of people to do it.  Perfect combination of connection to Sarah, common sense, and looking out for the kids to do whatever was appropriate with whatever they came across.  Of course, as is common, they went above and beyond and left me with nothing to do.  I was fully expecting and prepared to need to shuttle the different stacks of stuff around, if only inside the house.

I know it was a long and difficult day for them, but I appreciate them doing it.  The sight of the redone closet didn’t impact me like I expected it would, but it was shocking, sad, and sorrowful to open each drawer in the chest and find nothing but emptiness.  The hollowness of the drawers left little room for delusions.

Speaking of delusions, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.  Sarah & I generally didn’t celebrate it much, both believing it to be largely a Hallmark Holiday.  Especially when we were younger, and there was more time for celebrating on normal days.  But I feel oddly like I should do something tomorrow for her.  I truly think she would find that absurd, which is my initial reaction too, but it keeps coming back up.  We’ll see, I guess.

On the homefront, Jack is almost completely diaper free these days.   Much thanks to the preschool and the sitter for working on that.  Our kitchen floor was poorly installed during the addition process, so I’m going to have it tiled soon.  Although Sarah & I talked about changing it for months and years, I find myself hesitant to do something different.  So, may end up tiling it to look strikingly similar to the current flooring.  Stay tuned.

Oxymoron?

The date for Everything Changes is set for June 5, 2009, at The Soiled Dove in Denver, Co.  More info on the event posted here previously, but in short, Honor Sarah, Fight Cancer, Have Fun.  Proceeds from the event will benefit the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers Foundation.

The title comes from Lance Jungmeyer’s song, which he’s just put on youtube.

Everything Changes – written and performed by Lance Jungmeyer

More details posted as they come, or the facebook group is staying current.

I woke up this morning around 3:00 to the sound of the Grant School bell going off.  Adelaide snoring.  And Jack singing in his sleep.  “Hey, want the funk.  What funk?  That garbage funk!  Hey, want the funk.  What funk?  That garbage funk!”  Insanity.  According to both Adelaide & Jack that’s a song in a Disney show, although I find it hard to believe (edited:  but the internet doesn’t lie:  youtube clip.)

For some reason, though, garbage funk seems to describe my mood the past few days.  With “what funk?” being an apt question as I’m unable to figure out how to find my way out of it.  I’ve mentioned it before, but after the new year I’ve had a hard time finding something to look forward to, which is definitely part of it.  Occasionally something comes up that lifts my mood, but timing, circumstances, people of different opinions, or too much hype pops the balloon.

I feel like I’ve started toward normal, which didn’t seem possible for a long time.  But any step toward normal is uneasy and awkward.  I know I wish I’d never have mentioned anything about dating in this space.  Which serves me right, as I specifically told people I wouldn’t put anything like that here and then ignored my own advice.  No one freaked out, except me, but it’s a conversation I’m mostly not ready to have with hardly anyone.  So putting it in a public space was a bad move.

In other news…

People are still great about asking if I need anything.  Which, specifically, I don’t need anything.  I do still need help, though, especially with the kids, but I’m miserable at giving you a good answer to “what can I do?”  If you have something specific in mind, I’m happy to have specific offers, which we’ll accept or not as we can.  If you ask “can I do anything?” the answer is probably going to be no.

Adelaide had her second set of ear tubes inserted on Monday, with the added bonus of adnoids taken out, but is doing well.  She was in good spirits by Monday night and went to school and dance on Tuesday.  No ear infections, just drainage issues impacting hearing.  Same deal as last year, with immediate improvement afterwards, also like last year.

SEMO got hit by a lot of ice, if you haven’t heard.  My older brother Mitch put some pictures up of the aftermath here.  Impressive and devastating.

I’ve finalized the last details of Sarah’s memorial stone.  I’ve asked the cemetery people to call the monument people to make sure everyone is thinking of everything, then will order from there.  Probably won’t be in place until late Spring, at the earliest.

I’ve also been approached by the State Historical Society of Missouri about donating Sarah’s work to their archive.  As I understand it anyway, there’s a “Women in Journalism” segment of their Western Historical Manuscript Collection which would be appropriate for Sarah’s photographs.  Nothing official yet, but certainly something I’m strongly considering.  There are literally bookshelves filled with negatives and disks and disks filled with digital photographs, would hate for it to be lost.