Jason's Untimely Thoughts

I had a pretty good week last week, especially considering Wednesday night was filled with a vomiting 6-year old.  Nothing headline worthy — it didn’t start raining gumballs or anything, but a good week.  A couple of very enjoyable lunches, nothing really irritating happened at work, Shakespeare’s for at least one meal, lots of laughter, and so on.  Easy to please, but a good week.

It was topped by my mom calling Thursday night late saying they were going to come up over the weekend, if that was OK.  It certainly was, both because it had been a bit since we’d seen them (which now means something like 3 or 4 weeks, given the habits of the latter part of 2008), and because it was going to give me some time out.

So, then Friday I made last-minute plans to meet relatively new friends out for the night.  I was bubbling with excitement and couldn’t wait to go.  That went well, a good time was had by all (I think).  Being this was a normal Friday night for them, they went home.  I went out further, ran into another group of relatively new friends at the second stop, continued fun.

Then woke up Saturday with a guilty conscious to go along with my headache, and the former remained with me for the duration of the weekend.  I feel guilty for wanting to be away from the kids.  I feel guilty for sleeping in late both days and letting my parents deal with the kids.  I feel guilty that I believe they’re better off and happier when other people are entertaining them.  I feel guilty for not just going out on Friday night, but for making every effort to keep going to keep the good times going.

After a couple of conversations with various people earlier in the month, I’ve also quit wearing my wedding ring.  I still have to stop myself from putting it on when I grab stuff in the morning.  I’d given much thought to how much time was appropriate, had thought about various anniversaries, etc., but in the end just stopped one morning when it seemed like I was lieing by putting it on.

However, going out and having fun with no wedding ring also seemed like a lie.  It made no difference to the amount of attention paid to me or paid to others by me (and never has, despite urban legends of a ring being an attractor/detractor), but was something else that was on my mind during the fun.

Finally, because it’s come up a few times from different directions, I have no idea how dating works in my situation.  Everyone seems to assume or recognize that I’ll likely eventually date again and likely even eventually marry again.  Even me.  However, how does that happen?  How can I even consider it and be fair and true to the kids and to Sarah?  And when can that happen?  How can I even consider it and pretend I’ll be any good for someone new in my current state?  Seems like any potential date should get a warning from others:  this guy is jacked up for a while, you might just milk it for a free meal or two then leave him alone.  Like anyone I might actually even want to date, I really wouldn’t want to put them through that.  And if I wait until I’m sure I’ll be any good for someone, are we confident the world will exist that long?

Prior to Sarah’s party, Lance Jungmeyer, a good friend of ours, told me he’d written and recorded a song, then handed me a CD.  On it were two versions of a song titled “Everything Changes”, which we then immediately decided to play during the service.  Lance dedicated it to “Sarah Becking, and others who I lost in 2008 — Randy Johnson, Carlos DeLeon and Bob Schneeberg.”

Another good friend of ours, Chris Maupin, told me later he had thought and wished for a way to hook up with Lance beforehand and do something similar, but was unable due to travel (he lives in Denver, Lance in KC, both trying to get to Columbia on short notice), and had never even brought it up.  With that in mind, he was very glad when he learned Lance had done it on his own.

A few weeks later then, as Hold That Hug started coming to be fully-formed, Chris thought more.  What started as an idea of playing with Lance’s song more, maybe finding some professional musicians to fill in the score a little, whatever, has now turned into a separate event.

Everything Changes, with some details still tentative, is scheduled for Denver, Colorado, in June 2009.  Either Friday, June 5, or Saturday, June 20, at The Soiled Dove.  In Chris’ words, “Honor Sarah, Fight Cancer, Have Fun”.  The event will combine live music and photography with good friends and fun, with proceeds benefiting the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers Foundation – “providing support and care to Colorado cancer patients with dignity”.  The Hazel Miller Band will headline the show.  Chris and other Denver musicians will open.

There will be a photo contest, also featuring the theme Everything Changes.  With any luck at all someone we know has connections with a photo lab and Kodak or someone, and we’ll have prize packages for the winners.

For any and all, we’ll have audio downloads of original songs available online later.   There will be a silent auction featuring Colorado stuff and other valuable goods as we come upon them.

In all, the makings of a very nice event, with some details almost certain to change, for a good cause, honoring Sarah and all others who’ve dealt with it, in another place that she considered home (Sarah’s family moved from Denver to Columbia her junior year of high school).  Chris has done the vast majority of the work thus far.  Lance has graciously allowed his song to be in the mix and is helping with a facebook group among other things, for those of you who are 16 or who are pretending to be (pot/kettle).

Hope all is well for you and yours… continue to hug your friends and family, continues to be my sole bit of useful advice.  And on a side note, screw ku.

I’ve had a couple of occasions recently to just sit and talk with people — friends, family, co-workers, whomever.  Kids weren’t around.

I just wanted to publicly say how much I appreciate that.  The kids are awesome, but it’s extremely nice to have real conversations with smart people that don’t involve comments about diapers, sippy cups, breakfast, or bedtime.

One of the reasons I enjoy coming to work, actually, is just the smart talk with smart people.  Although if you heard us blathering on it would be difficult to imagine calling it smart talk.  Or smart people, for that matter.

I was on the phone with a friend last night as the kids were going to bed… about 3 minutes into their movie, Jack comes downstairs asking if I’ll come lay with them.  No, go back to bed Jack.  Part of the routine.

About 3 minutes later Adelaide comes down to tell me her “stomach just started hurting really bad.  And it hurts really bad.”  Go back to bed, Adelaide.  Part of the routine.

About 3 minutes later she’s screaming from the top of the stairs saying her stomach is really really really hurting, can I please come upstairs?  At this point I give in, go to the kitchen to put my glass away, then go upstairs.  To find her sound asleep.  Out.  No movement.

Jack is now convinced I’m coming to lay with him though.  So, I do.  “Can we still watch some of the movie?  Just a little bit?  A teeny bit?”  Yeah, we can, but just a little.  One minute.  “No, 5 minutes.”  How about 2 minutes?  “No, 5 minutes.  5 minutes is good, I think.”  I laugh, cause that’s funny.

Since he really has no concept of time, I turn the movie off about 2 minutes later.  That’s it, Jack, time for bed.  5 minutes is up.  “No, five minutes is down.  Five minutes is down daddy.”  Again, I laugh, cause that’s funny.  About 30 seconds later, he’s asleep.

Writing not so much because of the timing, but to break out of doldrums hopefully…  However, coincidence or not, 6 months ago today it was.

One week into 2009, I’m finding it to be not very fine.  That’s an overstatement, but it rhymed.  November & December are extremely busy at my work.  Throw in the holidays and my worrying about how all that would go, some football, and it made for relatively quick days and weeks.  And our Christmas went very well, as I mentioned before (and provided video proof).

Maybe I was so consumed and consumered with making sure we had a good Christmas, or that I was at least prepared if things were rough, that I didn’t give any thought at all to what the New Year would be like.  Or maybe it’s just natural as things slow down to also feel a little more down.  I’m typically bored in January anyway.  Or maybe it’s just there’s nothing really that I’m looking forward to until I’m not sure when.  Jack’s birthday in June, I guess.

Whatever the reason, combination of all of it probably, I’m finding the routine of returning to normal not so fun.  Guess the first week back to school for everyone is a bit like that too, as the time of sleeping in and doing whatever is hard to leave.  It will improve.

Random bits:

• I’m going to eventually have to cook.  It’s not even the fact that I don’t really ever have much interest in cooking that’s holding me back.  More that it seems the final straw toward accepting what’s going on, which I don’t really want to do.
• I’m going to eventually have to figure out what to do with my wedding ring.  Even if I quit wearing it, what do I do with it then?  I have a safe deposit box, but what would I be saving it for?  I wish I’d have thought of placing it with Sarah, but doubt I would have done it at the time.  That’s where I wish it was now though.
• Sort of connected, I’m thankful for the things that did get placed with Sarah… all of them, but especially the scarf with the kids’ pictures and the camera.  And the people that made all of that happen, including the clothing and hair.  I tried to think of every detail possible for the party (services), but missed everything on that.  I knew they had her taken care of, but just never could manage the time to come up with things I’d have liked her to have.  Am glad others did.
• I wish I could remember more of her services.  My mom asked if I had any interest in videoing it, both for me and the kids.  She didn’t think I would, I didn’t, and I still think I’m glad we didn’t, but I still wish I could remember more about it… who all was there, people I spoke to, what was said, and what I said.
• I’m relatively close to having her memorial stone finalized.  Made significant progress on remaining details while I was in San Antonio.  I have, though, encountered a snag with the cemetery.   I’m fairly confident we’ll find a way past that, though, if for no other reason than I’ll be obnoxious and belligerent if it truly becomes a problem.
• Despite repeatedly telling myself I don’t need a new car, I keep looking at new cars.  Continuation of my regression to a teenager where buying junk will make me feel better is a rationalization for purchase.  Sarah & I had said we were going to buy a hybrid next.  Luckily, regression hasn’t made me blind to how much those damned things cost.
• It seems we’re going to finally have direct deposit at work.  Holy 1990s.

As promised, more videos than anyone could care for of our Christmas days.  Quality really was pretty good, although youtube doesn’t seem to show it.

The kids and I are back to normal now after the travel gauntlet of Christmas.  We had a total of six family celebrations in four days, which is fairly typical holiday style.  Their big gifts were a remote controlled dinosaur for Jack (remote controlled seemed to be a theme for him) and an American Girl doll for Adelaide.  Her “twirling skirt” and HS Musical dance pad were also big hits, as was lots of the other stuff of course.

Except for moments here and there, Christmas was OK for me.  I had expected Christmas morning to be relatively awful (not because of relatives), but perhaps all that build up prepared me as things went well.  We had a quiet morning/day at home with plenty of time to play with all the newly acquired stuff.  There were times scattered throughout Christmas that were hard, but until New Year’s came (to be explored in another post probably), it was very smooth for all of us.

On Sunday I travelled to San Antonio via Memphis to attend the Mizzou football game versus Northwestern in the Alamo Bowl.  The trip  had a sense of dread attached to it also, because of our time in San Antonio. (Sarah & I lived there in 1996 & 1997, have made many trips back.)

I arrived Sunday evening and stumbled around the Riverwalk and Southtown for a while, running into some old and new friends along the way, including some on the plane from Memphis.  It was a very nice welcome back to San Antonio for me, a blending of the old familiar with the new familiar that eased my way into the vacation.  I appreciate all who I chatted with along the way.

A couple of friends with nicknames came to town on Monday, with a beaker brother-in-law in tow, and we all hit the game Monday night.  A friend helped me with the tickets, so we happened to be sitting in the coach/staff family section for the game.  If you think the average fan watches those games anxiously, I’ll point out it’s absolutely nothing compared to the families of those who are involved in the action.  As the game went down to the wire, I found myself watching those around me as much as the game, making sure everyone was OK.

Again, it was a blending of old familiar and new familiar as Sarah would have been equally nervous near the end of that game.  If you’ve ever tried to find a shot of hers from the end of a nail-biter game, you’ll notice that the pictures posted are always just after the final play is over.  She turned into a complete fan in those circumstances, putting the camera down and cheering, making sure everyone was OK, then picked it up and started shooting once we won.

The game turned out well, yay, with an overtime victory for the Tigers.  All teams feel like they deserve to win, no doubt, but especially true for these guys.  Congrats to all.  (And please go recruit some more bootheel kids.)

On Tuesday, then, I was again alone walking around our old neighborhood and eating with our San Antonio friends.  Fun and hard, familiar and uncomfortable, all describe that day.  Only thing certain to come out of it was we should have spent more time at LaTuna and should open a similar joint in Columbia when time and circumstances allow.

2009 is here, like it or not.  Down with the mythical shoe-wearing birds.

I’ve become accustomed to having many quality pictures of most events of note.  That has changed, of course, and I haven’t figured out how to make it happen again.  Our point & shoot camera isn’t the best in the world, I don’t really know how to use Sarah’s good cameras, I’m not much of a photographer anyway, and then I imagine myself participating in the activities, not photographing them.

Means that I’m after other options to document what’s going on.  So, just got the smallest video camera in the mail today (amazon.com customer service rocks, by the way.  UPS customer service, not so much).  I’m hoping it’s small enough and easy enough that I can grab quick videos along the way as things happen.  So, look for jumpy videos with way too much movement behind the camera online soon.

I’m at work toiling away when our receptionist calls… “Vicki Pinkel is here to see you.”  (her husband is MU’s football coach, for the unknowing).

“Excuse me?” I say.

“Vicki Pinkel is here to see you,” again.  So I go downstairs.

They had sold some pictures of Sarah’s at an event she organizes, the Women’s Football Clinic, earlier this fall, and she was dropping off a check from the sale of those photos to donate to the kids fund.  Also then had one of the photos framed and signed by the coaches and seniors, which she gave to us.  She also made sure to tell me how much they all appreciated Sarah.

A nice suprise for a Friday afternoon and another nice gesture from people that worked with Sarah and people that she enjoyed.

Tomorrow the kids will be going to Malden for a few days.  They’ll come back this way Tuesday night.  I have a few work obligations, they have no school next week, etc.,  We’ll then be back in town for a few days, then back to Malden for more Christmas.

After considerable debate, I’ve also decided to go to San Antonio for the Alamo Bowl — Mizzou against Northwestern.  Will be the first time on record that I’ve made every game in a season, but mostly going because we liked San Antonio so much.  Of course that also makes it hard to go.  A couple of friends will pass through briefly for the game, so that will be good too.  It’s also a chance to hopefully move forward on a detail of Sarah’s memorial stone (the bronze).  I’d be glad to include a little San Antonio there if it works.

Lots of questions, naturally, about how we’re doing and how the holidays are going.  In general, things are going as well as they can, better than could have reasonably expected I think.  I have no delusions and realize parts of Christmas will be very hard, but in general busy makes things better.  And if there’s never been a doubt that Christmas was busy for us.

I’m still mostly living in denial of the changes, going from task to task to next on the schedule, but things are easier in some respects, which is unnatural to admit.

Back to the donations.  From what I can find, approximately $38,000 has been donated in total to the kids education fund, the Pallative Care account at Ellis Fischel, and POYi (including proceeds from the Hold That Hug event).  All of that is an amazing tribute and is greatly appreciated.  Any donated to the kids fund is being managed by our financial advisor, just for the record.  And without going into any more details here, there is another event or two in the planning stages that would further impact other lives while honoring Sarah.

Merry Christmas (and Happy Hanukkah) and Happy New Year to you and yours.  Hug your friends and family.  Go Tigers.

and on a side note, screw ku.

Here is the text that appears on our Christmas Card, the card itself is at the end of this post.

Happy Holidays to one and all from the Beckings.  Adelaide is now 6 and is enjoying kindergarten greatly.  She loves her teachers, has made new friends, and is learning amazing amounts.  Dance, swimming, singing, and friends are her biggest joys.

Jack Thayer turned 3 in June and is attending preschool 3 days a week (“3, like me” he’d say).  He remains home with Megan, our sitter, the other 2 days.  She has been an enormous blessing and help for all of us.  Jack likes pop tarts, chocolate milk, movies, trucks and dinosaurs.

Otherwise, as I’m sure everyone understands, it’s been a pretty bad 2008.  The first six months of the year were great, with travel and fun throughout.  The kids are doing great the past six months as well, with lots of swimming and playing and grandparenting and grandfriending helping immensely.

The circle of friends and family has never been larger nor more appreciated.  Sincerely, on behalf of Adelaide, Jack, Sarah, and Jason, thank you for all the love and for all you continue to do on our behalf.

Should say, that’s sort of the text that appears on the Christmas Card.  Due to some software issues, a bit of that was deleted.  I would have had them reprinted, but those poor folks are literally working 18 hours a day right now, so reprinting my few Christmas Cards didn’t seem worth it.

The design is a Jason Becking original.  Order yours today.  My main goal was to get all those photos on there, since I didn’t have a truly great one to use for the card and then figure next year I won’t have near the quantity of photos.  That meant less room for writing, which was good for me too.  Final touch was to throw enough color on there to distract you from the little writing that did happen.

The cards will be going in the mail soon, unless I forget to buy stamps or something.  Look for yours soon, with consideration of the fact I might not have your address nor have enough cards.

Front

Inside Left

Inside Right

Back

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Love to you and yours.