Jason's Untimely Thoughts

Our beloved Tigers play once again this Saturday at 6:00, hosting the San Diego State University Aztecs.  We’ll be tailgating no later than 2:00 with various folks bringing various sides.  Mike & Sarah Messer are bringing the meat and the heat for the meat, buy your home through Flat Branch and insure your junk through Mike Messer Shelter Insurance.  Well, maybe your stuff isn’t junk.  Anyway.

San Diego State has a statistically outstanding offensive team, throwing for a bunch of yards, lots of passes down field, and a couple of good running backs.  Their coach is Brady Hoke, which is a miserable name.  Defensive coordinator is Rocky Long, a much better name, and formerly head coach at New Mexico.  Both have faced the Tigers previously so should be well versed in our offensive razzle dazzle.  Blah blah blah.

In a weird but fortuitous coincidence, though, “Aldon Smith” happens to be the Aztec phrase for “we will tackle your guys in the backfield and injure their spirit.”  Even stranger, “Carl Gettis” is evidently Aztec slang for “smallpox”, which wiped out their population like he will their down field passes.

With that kind of linguistic luck going for us, along with the actual small pox infested towels we’ll put in their locker room, victory is assured.  48-17 is my prediction.  See you at the tailgate in the land of the tall flagpoles.

As an aside, razzle dazzle makes me think of Stripes.  Which makes me laugh.  That’s the fact, Jack.  on a side note, screw ku.

Happy September, Tiger Fans!  Tomorrow the good guys hit Faurot Field to host the Cowboys from McNeese State.  McNeese is located in Lake Charles, Louisiana, where clearly nothing good originates  (sorry to friends from the Chuck, Sarah & I got engaged there, etc.).

As has become standard, we will be tailgating in Lot D again this year.  The first tailgate will again be catered by Hoss’s Market, food arriving by 3:30.   Food, beverage, and much of the tailgate crowd provided by Miller’s, Mpix.com for all your photo lab wants and desires.

Someone on the playground at school asked who we’re playing, “McNeazy State?”.  Of course someone at the playground was also dropping f-bombs while yelling at their kid, who evidently is named Toby Keith.  McNeese is a 1-AA school, but as our smelly neighbors to the west proved last weekend, you can’t take a 1-AA school too lightly.

The following links are provided purely for educational value, so all are reminded not to overlook a 1-AA school.  And in case you need to learn how to clap.

• College football writer, “Most depressing box score I’ve ever seen.“
• KC Star, “The Night The Wheat Stood Still“
• other team’s coach, “docile environment”, basically not very good
• go to Lawrence, learn to clap

The final home contest of the year is upon us, sad to say, with our beloved Tigers taking on the Iowa State University Cyclones.  USClones has officially been added to the approved list of making fun of them nicknames, once they copied their uniforms directly from USC.   There also appears to be some USC uniform equilibrium act, as USC has gotten worse since that time while the USClones have seemingly improved.

Kickoff is at 1:07 pm, we’ll be at the tailgate by 10:30 or so.  I think food will be extremely limited this week, as we’ll encourage everyone to go inside early to send off the seniors on their final home game.  The full list of 15 Tiger Seniors is listed below.  Danario and SPOOOOOOOOOON are the highlights, of course, but great contributors on the entire list.  Most importantly, for the second year in a row, all the seniors have either already graduated (3) or are scheduled to by May 2010.   That will make 39 of the last 39 seniors, which stands in quite a contrast to some (cough: ku.  Cough: academic fraud).

Speaking of making fun, I much appreciate opposing fans and teams making it easy on me, as I’ve been lacking this year.   First it was the video of A&M yell leaders scarring the poor name of ice cream truck drivers everywhere with this performance.   Shortly thereafter, Sooner fans showed their, um, selves, with a highly choreographed youtube sensation.   Beakerville has also provided plenty of targets.  Literally, with one of their basketball players shooting people with a pellet gun last year.  The previously mentioned fights between ku football and basketball players were also entertaining.

However, there is no bigger target than ku football and their main Mangino.  The big (big big) dude evidently poked one of their football players in the chest, causing quite a stir.  Huge amounts of whining have commenced, most seemingly at the invitation of their athletic director, who is seeking out players to tell him how awful Mangino is.   Fun, fun times.   Especially when considering the athletic director now seemingly intent on firing the MAN gave him a fat raise on the same week it was announced the football coaches had committed academic fraud.

Here are the seniors, go inside early and cheer for them.  On a side note, screw ku.

81          Danario Alexander        WR         Marlin, Tx
96          Jaron Baston               DT         Blue Springs, Mo
2            Brian Coulter               DE         Baker, La
43          Jon Gissinger               TE         San Diego, Cal
78          Kurtis Gregory              OL         Blackburn, Mo
33          Levi Hamilton               TE         Rolla, Mo
36          Jake Harry IV               P          Cardiff-by-the-Sea, Cal.
15          Del Howard                  S          Dallas, Tx
92          Andy Maples                DT        Lester, Ala
91          Tanner Mills                 PK        Columbia, Mo
4            Jared Perry                 WR        La Marque, Tx
4            Hardy Ricks                 S          St. Louis, Mo
63          Ryan Schleusner           OL        Maryville, Mo
6            Shawn Scott               TB        St. Louis, Mo
12          Sean Weatherspoon      LB        Jasper, Tx

Mizzou takes on the Baylor Bears this Saturday at 1:00 p.m.  It’s a work tailgate again this week, with Hoss’s Market again providing the food.  Adelaide’s favorite meal, brunch, is the fair.  Food will be served beginning at 10:30, hope to see you and yours there.  I’m not sure why I scheduled the food to arrive at 10:30, except that I knew I’d be there by then I guess.

Baylor gave the Tigers considerably more of a fight than expected in Waco last year, but unfortunately their best player is out for the season with an injury.  We shall beat them badly as a result, moving to 2-0 in the new winning part of the season, another small step toward the 5-0 finish before heading to the Big 12 Champeenship game at Jerryworld in Dallas.

I’m headed to the dentist momentarily, so humor will be limited to beaker antics.  After earlier reports of beakers hating each other (football and basketball teams fighting), the love pendulum may have swung a bit too far the other direction with the beaker basketball stars.   Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Um, screw ku.

Happy Homecoming, Tiger fans.  Father weather and mother nature have provided the required ingredients — a slight chill, pretty falling leaves, and rain, to accompany the other traditional homecoming happenings at Ol’ Mizzou.  Mizzou hosts the Longhorns from the University of Texas Saturday night, kickoff is scheduled for 7:00 p.m. to be broadcast on ABC.

Unless the monsoon picks back up on Saturday, I’d expect to be at the tailgate by 1:00 or so.  We have a variety of food coming — CJ’s wings, SEMO ribs, and Smitty meat — plus other things I’m sure, I wouldn’t expect much of that to be there until 4:00 or after.  Look forward to seeing the crowd of coming-homers.

After two losses that should have been wins, the Tigers will depart Faurot Field Saturday evening with a victory that was unexpected, even by both of the optimistic MU football fans.  This will also be payback for the drubbing the Tigers received in Austin last year and another Big 12 North title will still be in the works.

My memories {clap} of that drubbing {clap} heavily involve {clap} a UT fan that {clap} sat in the visitors section {clap} with us last year {clap} in Austin.  As UT was {clap} scoring like crazy {clap} throughout the early {clap} part of the game, {clap} she clapped {clap} at a rhythm of about {clap} 40 claps per minute.  {clap} Even better, she {clap} was doing so {clap} directly in the {clap} left ear of one {clap} of our friends.  For the entire {clap} first quarter, {clap} at least, {clap} maybe the first {clap} half {clap}.  She was old, she and her Mizzou companions were otherwise certainly polite, we were in shock from one in our group’s stairwell-induced broken wrist, we were getting trounced, and she was old, so we left her alone.

Sometime long, long after it was clear there would be no Mizzou victory, a penalty was called on one of the Texas lineman.  I politely pointed out that he was a cheater.  Not just me, the referee was good enough to tell everyone in attendance, and also the national television audience, that this kid had broken the rules of the game.  Clearly, a cheater.  CHEATER!  #75 is a cheater!  (maybe not #75, but that’s what I seem to remember.)

The old lady UT fan tapped me on my shoulder 2 plays later.  “You know, sometimes, I wish I was a man,” she said.  Um, OK, I replied, to the crazy old clap lady.  “Cause, you know, if I was a man, I might say some mean things like you just said.”   I did my best to go back to leaving her alone, while she wasn’t as interested in leaving me alone.  I eventually had to actually use the words “I’m done talking to you” to try to get her to leave me alone.  Her {clap} rhythmic clapping {clap} (and all the booze) did {clap} dull my senses {clap}, though, to where I was {BOOM} perfectly able to sleep {BOOM} in our rented apartment {BOOM} on 6th Street {BOOM}.  Above {BOOM} one of {BOOM} 17 dance clubs {BOOM} on that block {BOOM} {BOOM} that {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} all {BOOM} {BOOM} stayed open {BOOM} {BOOM} until 3:00 {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM}.  Beat UT, screw ku.

Happy beat Nebraska week, Tiger fans.  MU hosts the Corn on Thursday, kick off is scheduled for 8:01 p.m. on ESPN.  Yes, really, 8:01 p.m.  Bryan Ninichuck and Todd Bennington of Wingate Pest Control fame will be handling the tailgate food, much thanks to them, call Wingate for all your pest control needs.  Roads around the stadium will be extremely chaotic, but will be shooting to be at the tailgate by 5:00 p.m.  A few will almost certainly be there before that.

Now a walk down memory lane…

The year was 2000, three of us went up to Lincoln for the Tigers game against Nebraska, my first visit to their Memorial Stadium.  Prior to this, my experience with Nebraska fans was mostly at CJ’s, where they were nice, much-fun, old people, maybe a little overweight.   We learned quickly that you couldn’t stand up for long, as the “maybe a little overweight” was an understatement and there literally wasn’t enough room for everyone to sit.  It was like musical chairs every time there was a good play, last one standing had to stay that way.

As for the game, Sarah was taking photos while Rib and I were in the stands for what was a relatively exciting game (Kirk Farmer broke his collar bone game). Afterwards, as the Nebraska fans strolled quietly out of the stadium, I asked a group of them what the deal was.  They’d just won a football game, for the love of God, but were acting like they were leaving the theatre after watching Schindler’s List.  Winning’s just not that big of a deal, was the reply.  “We expect to win these games” and just didn’t like the way they looked doing it.  Wow, I thought, what a bunch of arrogant, no-fun, old people.  Maybe a little overweight.

Fast-forward to 2003, some kid named Brad Smith led the Tigers to a 41-24 victory.  Sarah was in a plane taking photos beforehand and the early part of the game, she then lugged all her gear from Reactor Field to the press box in the rain to hustle down and take game photos.  My parents, Adelaide, and I sat in the press box.  A shocking 28-point 4th quarter broke open the game for the Tigers… I can still clearly remember the smell of the evergreen bushes being trampled by the students and fans as they rushed the field from the hill.  After the game we hung out for a long long time, celebrating the victory.  We went home, started to settle in, only to have the replay of the game come back on TBS at about 2:00 a.m.  Sarah & I sat there and watched it all again, both of us giddy at the entire thing.

Now to 2008, back in Lincoln, I walked out of the stadium in front of a couple of 28-ish year olds who were voicing their displeasure.  On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how they were used to winning and how “all these Missouri fans just don’t realize that we’re not used to watching us get beat this badly.  We just have never seen us get beat that badly.”  I politely pointed out that they should be used to it by now, as we’d beaten them almost exactly that badly the year before too.

This is the 11th consecutive MU-Nebraska game I’ve attended (1999-2009) and my 15th or so overall.  During that span, the contest has evolved from Missouri fans generally being happy not watching a blow-out, to closely contested games (kicked ball and I still think MU wins the game in Lincoln if Farmer doesn’t break a bone), to beating Nebraska 52-17 and 41-6 the past two years.  Blaine Gabbert was in the 6th grade or something the last time Nebraska managed to win in Columbia.  The last time their coach was in Columbia, Sarah took a picture of him precisely because he looked so ridiculous yelling at the referees.

Look how ridiculous he looks!

I don’t think MU will blow out Nebraska this time, but I do think next year’s team will be full of Tigers who are undefeated against the boys from Nowledge.  41-24 seems like another good score in this contest to me.

The Team of the 90s, The Big Red Machine from Lincoln, Nebraska…. Have fun with those memories, Corn.  The oddsmakers have installed the Nubs as slight favorites in this game.  Of course they also picked ILL to beat MU.    Here’s a video that shows the early part of the Mizzou > Nebraska evolution  (kicked-ball warning) http://www.rockmnation.com/2009/5/22/883591/zoudave-feels-it-coming-in-the-air

p.s.  Note how I didn’t mention the fat lady running over all out of breath to clap in my face and tell me we’d done a good job, they’d lost plenty of times too, in 2004 as I’m leaving their stadium, trying to make my way down the stairs around her; the dope Husker player who punched one of our fans in 2003; or the myriad of arrestees who littered Nub rosters over their good years while Coach Pinkel continues to stock the roster with top quality kids and beat Nebraska.

on a side note, screw ku.

Home game number two is Saturday with our beloved Tigers moving to 3-0 with a win over the Furman Paladins.  For all those who’ve asked, Furman is located in Greenville, South Carolina.  A Paladin is defined as “paragon of chivalry; a heroic champion; a strong supporter or defender of a cause; and any of the 12 peers of French emperor Charlemagne’s court.”  Kickoff is scheduled for 1:00 p.m., we’ll be tailgating by 10:00 I think.  Ribs from Southeast Missouri will be the featured attraction, plus whatever you’d like to bring.  Potentially even some birthday cake, in honor of Adelaide’s pending 7-dom.

It was all I could do to not type “I don’t care” as the answer to each What is it? and Where are they?  And it’s ridiculously difficult to gear up to make fun of Furman.  So, I’ll move on.  I do assume the “FU” shirts their bookstore sells are big hits with South Carolina parents.

Columbia recently passed the 100,000 population mark, with news articles making the claim that it would lead to an influx of new businesses.  While I can’t speak for all businesses, the freaking taxis have arrived.  We now have approximately 19 taxi companies, a pedi-cab trolling around downtown, and some dudes who say they’ll drive drunks home in their own cars, stowing their foldable scooter in the trunk so the dudes can ride back downtown for the next round of drunks.

These taxis did us no good last week, however, when “Truman’s Taxi” failed just prior to pre-game.  I know some of you found great humor in the sight of the yellow firetruck being towed away.  Rest easy, I won’t be calling the police on you for your habit of pulling the wings off of butterflies, dressing as a clown on Halloween, and the other atrocities you surely practice.  The kids will attempt to ride the firetruck pre-game again this week.

After re-reading this, I now realize I should have just spent the entire time making fun of South Carolina.  on a side note, screw ku.

Happy Football, Tiger Fans!

On Saturday, our beloved Tigers return to Faurot Field to face the Bowling Green Falcons.  BG has won their last two contests with the Tigers, so revenge is in order.  Revenge.  REVENGE!!!  (Their coach at the time has since changed jobs twice, must be a real loser.)

Kickoff is scheduled for 6:07 p.m.  We’ll be tailgating in the same spot again this year, Lot D.  As usual for the first game of the year, we’ll be joined by many from my work.  Food and beverage provided by Miller’s.  Mpix.com for all your photo lab needs.  Hoss’s Market will be providing the food, served beginning around 3:30.  I’ll probably be at the tailgate by early afternoon.

The Tigers’ performance against ILL proved that all the pre-season pundits were just Jive Talkin.  Blaine Gabbert’s performance indicates recent history of fantastic quarterback play is Staying Alive.  With the first home game, there’s some real Saturday Night Fever around town.  MU is hoping for a big big crowd this weekend (to match the new big big TV), will you be there?  How Deep Is Your Love?

The kids will be riding with Truman on the yellow fire truck before the game, One Night Only, so go in early so you can pretend you saw them.  They’re both excited about the prospect.

as for KU, they can eat Grease.  Alternatively, for you Todd Reesing fans, he’s More Than a Woman (pics and pic).

The end of football season is rapidly approaching, with the final home contest here.  Our beloved Tigers take on the purple Wildcats from K-State, in our annual it’s surprisingly cold game.  Just in time for the purple camos and crazy radio toting k-state fan guy.

Game time is at 6:00 pm, broadcast on Fox Sports.  After telling us to wear gold all year, we finally are allowed to wear the slimming black for this week’s Blackout Game, which will look great under the bulk of our puffy coats.  Between the cold and the late start, we’ll probably have slim tailgating also.  A few people, a few drinks, just a few hours pre-game, I’d imagine.

I say it every year, but go in the game by 5:30 and give the seniors a clap.  Not in an old lady in Austin kind of way, but in a this is arguably the best Mizzou football graduating class in history kind of way.  They’ve won more games than any class in history and will go to as many bowl games (4) as any in history.  While those could be partially signs of the times, you’ve got Chase Daniel and all that everyone already knows about him, Chase Coffman – who has caught more passes than any college TE ever, Jeff Wolfert — likely the NCAA’s all time most accurate kicker, William Moore, clearly the best player ever from Hayti, two former walk-ons who are now long-time starters, and so on.  Three of them have already graduated, with all but one scheduled to graduate yet this year.  I’m sure he would have, but he spent time in Iraq as part of the Army Reserves.  And even beyond all that, it would have been Aaron O’Neal’s senior day as well and the team will honor him.  The full senior class is listed below.  To them, I say thank you.  I also say I wish Sarah was down there for senior day taking pictures of you & your family.  That was a part of the season that she always enjoyed.

This will also mark the final time we see K-State coached by Ron Prince, who was fired earlier this week.  The K-Staters are allegedly thinking of bringing Snyder out of retirement, which should bring great pleasure to the old jokers that sit around us.  Will also bring great pleasure to me, as I remember his last few teams being bad and don’t believe that would change much.  Prince is a freak, by all reasonable indications.  He made his players run at 3 in the morning after a loss, makes them hold arms and shuffle on and off the field together before, during, and after the game, stomps around the sidelines like he’s wearing cement blocks for shoes, and has somehow beat UT twice.  I’ll shed a tear whilst we destroy them.

Finally, go big red, for a day.  And screw ku.

Tiger Seniors (Jersey #)

• Van Alexander (5)    LB    Columbia, Mo.
  Has 93 career tackles in 37 career games
• Mack Breed (24)    S    San Antonio, Texas
  Has contributed on special teams and on defense
• Castine Bridges (21)    CB    Richmond, Calif.
  12 starts, 99 tackles, 6 PBUs in 2 years as a Tiger
• Colin Brown (61)    OL    Braymer, Mo.
  Originally a walk-on who has started 23 games on OL
• Adam Casey (28)    WR    Chesterfield, Mo.
  Respected walk-on who has been out w/injury in 2008
• Tommy Chavis (48)    DE    Orange, Texas
  Productive player over 3 yrs., 12 TFLs, 7.5 sacks, 4 FF
• Brock Christopher (34)    LB    Kearney, Mo.
  MU’s active career leading tackler with 294 stops
• Chase Coffman (45)    TE    Peculiar, Mo.
  NCAA FBS alltime leading pass-catching TE (230 rec.)
• Chase Daniel (10)     QB    Southlake, Texas
  Record-shatterer was MU’s 1st-ever Heisman finalist in ‘07
• Justin Garrett (8)     S    Baton Rouge, La.
  Hard-hitter has started 18 games over 2 yrs.; 114 tack.
• Earl Goldsmith (7)     WR    Denton, Texas
  Versatile offensive talent has played TB, WR and KR/PR
• Ziggy Hood (94)        DL    Amarillo, Texas
  Needs 1 more sack to reach #10 on MU career top-10
• Jimmy Jackson (1)    TB    Caruthersville, Mo.
  Mr. Touchdown has 14 career TDs, 807 rushing yds.
• Ryan Madison (76)    OL    Bethany, Mo.
  Has most active career starts among MU O-Line (31)
• Zach Milligan (59)    DL    Hardin, Mo.
  Staff Sergeant in Army Reserves is an inspiration to all
• William Moore (1)    S    Hayti, Mo.
  10 career INTs ranks 6th-best in MU history
• Aaron O’Neal (25)    LB    Creve Coeur, Mo.
  Was lost on July 12, 2005; His memory lives on at MU
• Chase Patton (14)    QB    Columbia, Mo.
  Has passer rating of 147.31 in 2008; 15 gms. played
• Steve Redmond (18)    LB    Kansas City, Mo.
  34 games played; 17 tackles, 1 PBU & 1 forced fumble
• Tommy Saunders (84)    WR    Kearney, Mo.
  Ranks 9th on MU career receptions chart (119)
• Stryker Sulak (38)    DE    Rockdale, Texas
  18.5 career sacks ranks #4 on MU career charts
• Tru Vaughns (11)    CB    Patterson, La.
  Sparkplug has 33 tackles, 2 PBU so far in 2008 season
• Jeff Wolfert (99)    PK    Overland Park, Kan.
  On pace to set NCAA accuracy mark for combined kicks

When starting my tailgate e-mails, I typically write the subject line and then go from there.  A good topic sentence will lay out the rest of your paper, don’t you know.

I just wrote “CU at the Tailgate”, which seemed familiar.  A trip to the archives (below) confirms that I used that same line 4 years ago.  Coupled with my general unexcitement about tailgating this year, let’s just review those entries for humor.  The most important items to review, of course, are “you can’t spell ku sucks without CU”, and “screw ku”.  (And maybe I should go down to Reactor Field for tailgating, Sodom/Gomorrha evidently has lots of excitement.)

Game time is 5:30 p.m., Fox Sports someone doing the broadcasting.  Bryan Ninichuck (and Todd Bennington) of Wingate Pest Control fame, will be providing some home cooked delectables.   We’ll be there by 2:00 or so, I’d imagine.  Call Wingate for all your pest control needs.  (and despite the two bad weeks, we’re still good enough to be on national television again, and it’s become so mundane that I can’t even remember who is showing the game… “New” Old Mizzou, I say.)

Archives:

• King of Beers vs Banquet Beer, Thursday, Sept 28, 2006
• CU at the Tailgate, Thursday, Sept 30, 2004