Jason's Untimely Thoughts

It seems most of the junk I’ve written here over the past many months has had one thing or another to do with either missing what used to be normal or what the new normal would be.

Unfortunately, I’ve realized normal is nothing more than exactly what I’ve made it over this period of time.  Waiting has become the normal.  Not being nearly productive enough around the house, not entertaining the kids enough, and generally being or acting miserable one way or another.  I still don’t go to sleep easily nor sleep well, so stay up late to avoid the whole scene.  I do nothing during that time, though, except waste time, and the cycle repeats the following days until I’m tired and grouchy(ier).

The kids are back to having a regular sitter on Thursday nights, which gives me some free time.  My taking advantage of it has pretty much been limited to wasting time one way or another until a reasonable time to go home comes.  I circle the car lots, the neighborhoods, or the neighborhood bars, generally in that order.  The times when the kids are out of town I tend to either hit downtown (too hard), do nothing around the house, or both.

I still haven’t cooked a real meal and we don’t really have anything that we like to do together.  Week days are a race till bedtime, weekends are a drag until bedtime, with way too much time filled by the television every day.  It makes no sense, but I feel a bit like I’ve lost being a dad to the kids, now solely fill the mom role.  Except I don’t fill that role at all so much as avoid it.  Other people cook, clean, and do our laundry (** not that those are the “mom role”, just examples of my avoidance), I just get the kids up, dressed, and then back to bed.

We need to start over.  Both the above stuff, and just me personally.  While not likely, I’m momentarily acting like I’d consider any version of anything that starting over might mean.  New house, new neighborhood, new job, new city, new state, whatever.  All the reasons that I like Columbia aren’t worth much if we spend 90% of our time in our house or our backyard.

Kids should go outside and play, or go to the kids’ house down the street and play, but it doesn’t happen in our neighborhood, and likely won’t ever.  I keep saying that in 3-4 more years that won’t matter much, but it matters now.  My sanity, their happiness, and their habits would all be better with more kids around.  Playdates don’t really happen that much for the dad & the kids.  Maybe they don’t happen for anyone, I don’t know.

No matter how much we need to start over, though, I don’t want to.  I don’t want to move (although I will consider beach-front offers).  I have a better job than I deserve.  I never intended to go out on another first date again, ever.  Although I’ve tried that minimally, I seem to still have pretty limited interest in that (sorry to those minimally impacted).  I know I have little interest in dealing with dating and the kids.  And when I think about dating, I end up with the firm conviction that I only want to go on dates with someone that I know well that I don’t know at all.  A convenient definition of a person that doesn’t exist.

Six paragraphs of saying I wish things would go back to the way they were before, I guess.  I miss Sarah, I miss the partnership, and I miss the companionship.  I’m not sure that I should ever not wish for that, but it seems like I should wish for that less frequently, at least.   And I don’t want to start over on that part.  It annoys me greatly, in fact.

Spring will help.  Everywhere I go it seems people are tired of the weather, me included.  Just a chance to get outside and do stuff will be great and is much much needed.  We’ll start over that way, if nothing else.  A work trip to Vegas, post-season basketball tournaments, and Spring Break in Florida should help as well. Hopefully writing it here will help as well — force me to break the bad habits that I’ve allowed to form, some of them at least.

Go hug your friends and family, and on a side note, screw ku.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything, so here’s a bullet-point laden entry.  Also known as the easy way out.

• We officially have reservations for Disney on Spring Break.  Will be going on a Disney Cruise for a few days, then staying at the Animal Kingdom Lodge for a few days of fun and Disney parkdom.  I told the kids, probably mistakenly, that we might see animals while at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, so now they’re fully expecting to open the door of our room and see giraffes and zebras and bears, oh my.   I have no idea what to expect of the cruise.  I fully expect scars on my ankles from the strollers bashing into me at the parks.
• We went to the mall on Sunday to spend the kids’ Christmas gift cards.  Jack chose a new “sleeping buddy” and a dinosaur book.  Adelaide also selected a book, but then went with new sunglasses and some make up.  And really really really wanted a new swimsuit.  That one or that one or that one, please please please please.  A threshold has been crossed, I think.
• Jack takes a sleeping buddy to pre-school every day.  Today he took a skunk, but comforted the teacher that “it’s not a real one”.
• Adelaide is writing two books with friends at school, for fun it seems.  She’s also supposedly written a poem about Sarah.  I’ve yet to see or read any of this.
• Flying private beats every previous method of transportation known to man or beast, but probably not everything known to an Avatar.
• January and February seem particularly busy this year, I’m not sure what that’s all about.  Last year I seem to remember being extremely slow, bored, and looking for things to do during these months.  Both at home and at work, there seems to be more movement this year.
• The Tigers basketball home-court winning streak ended last night.  Against all natural instincts, but at the request of my boss, I gave tickets to four of the best seats in the entire arena to some people from our facility in kansas.  That sort of bad mojo simply can’t be overcome.  (and all you ku fans who talked trash at me last night and today, safe to say you were doing so while wearing your Muck Fizzou shirt?  and while writing a poem about how classy ku fans are?)
• I’m going to go to Vegas for a work trip in March.  Or maybe I’m not.  Or maybe I am.  Or I’m not.  I’m going to go to the Big 12 Tournament in KC right after that.  Or maybe I’m not.  Or maybe I am.  Or I’m not.
• Columbia schools are out three days in February.  A Monday and Friday of the same week, then the following Friday.  Insert previous rants about intelligent design of school calendar here.
• I feel like I used to write funny stuff sometimes in this space, but haven’t written anything funny in a long time.  Sad, as there’s simply little better than laughing at your own jokes.  An awful trait, but I write funnier when I’m mad.  A sign of progress, but really the only things that make me truly mad are work-related now.  And since your work probably makes you mad too, and I like my job and workplace generally and have no interest in finding another one, funny work-related rantings will have to wait until my anonymous column pops up.  Maybe under the name of Jane Doe?  Or John Cocktoestun?  Dr. Rosenrosen?
• Megan is now watching the kids (almost) every Thursday.  So, I now have almost every Thursday evening free and mostly find myself just wanting to go home and relax.
• After previously bowing out of our dinner club, I charmed my way back in to the next meeting, which is Saturday night.  I also charmed my way out of cooking for the dinner club, yet again, in exchange for bringing beverages (and not making them eat what I prepared).  Anyone know of good Indian beer?  Or of an Indian beer?  And where to buy said beer in Mid-Mo?
• You can now have no more than 6 chickens in your backyard in Columbia, provided they’re in a nice chicken coop.  Someone should tell my neighbors, who’ve had chickens in their backyard for a few years now.  Yes, they stink sometimes, no matter what people that want to allow chickens in town might tell you.  I have a feeling the chickens in the neighborhood would bother me considerably more if they were next door, rather than next to next door.
• Multiple conversations about improved communication count considerably less than if people would just actually talk more and otherwise do what they said they were going to do.
• I’d like to completely retool the way becking.com looks, learn to play guitar, take better pictures, sleep better, and go see more live music.  I also watched every Grammy performance for the first time in years (ever?) and honestly enjoyed them all.
• screw ku.

Last fall the Child Development Center (the pre-school Adelaide & Jack have each attended) planted a memorial tree in honor of Sarah.  In a cool coincidental tie in, the tree was purchased with proceeds from their annual school photo sales.  They installed the plaque a month or so ago, but it’s been cold, snowy, dark, and cold and snowy, so was just able to take a photo today.  The colorful Arbor in the background was built by Sarah a few years ago for their playground.

Also, for any that might not have seen yet, I asked Joey Los, a Missouri sculptor that sells her art at Bluestem Missouri Crafts, to make a floral piece for the top of Sarah’s memorial stone.  She delivered that in mid-December and I was able to install it easily on one of the rare warm days.  Photos of the floral sculpture are below.   Those photos and more of the memorial stone can all be viewed here.

Not the paper kind, thoughtfully ordered from Mpix.com, which I’m seemingly not going to get done in 2009, but the those two kids are cards kind.

Adelaide, on December 24, after being told that “Be nice” was Grandma Cindy’s motto:

Hmm.  Look Good.  That’s my motto.  My motto is Look Good.

Jack, around 10 p.m. on December 26, after being asked to go say goodbye to the last of the hundreds of family at Bill and Nancy’s house that day:

Why do I have to give hugs to everyone?  They’re not even in our family!

Jack, around 10 a.m. on December 27, after being asked to go take a bubble bath.

Um, I don’t take baths or showers in the morning.  At night time, not in the morning.

I haven’t posted any original thoughts here in a while (ever? Shut up.). I seem to have writing dry spells when I’m feeling bad, which is certainly part of what’s going on now. It’s also undeniable that writing can improve my mood, so here goes.

We’re exceptionally busy at work. By “we”, I mean them. My routine is pretty much to show up about 9:00 and leave absolutely no later than 5:01 due to kids, schools, etc. Work is an odd place this time of the year, with people routinely working 15 hours a day (or more), 6 or 7 days a week during the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. While I’d not normally have done that much, it wouldn’t at all be unusual for me to come back after dinner and work until early in the morning helping in some trivial way. Not able to do that now, of course, which should translate to more sleep, but instead mostly translates into me feeling more lost than I like about what’s going on.

On the home front, both Jack and Adelaide fought through the chicken pox recently. His case was visually pretty mild, although the itchiness at night certainly wasn’t, and just lasted a couple of days. I thought Adelaide was in the clear, only to eventually miss 4 or so days of school with a much more traditional case of the pox. Extreme itchiness and lots of spots was followed up by lots of extreme boredom. They each are anxiously awaiting Christmas and would like “one of those” from whichever commercial was just on.

There were dueling Christmas parties at their schools today. The preschool Christmas party pretty much consisted of them building an obstacle course and having two tables for crafts. Here kids, go play, which the preschoolers loved. Adelaide’s was a recital with the two first grade classes combining for about 6 songs with a few speaking parts mixed in. She did well, which was never in doubt. The assistant principal told her after rehearsal that she was the loudest one (in the speaking parts). It was fun to watch them perform and enjoy it.

Personally, I used to really like this time of the year. I liked being crazy at work, dealing with whatever madness ensues after asking 130+ people to work 80+ hours a week for a few weeks in a row. I liked the confluence of football and basketball seasons, going to all of that. And I liked Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s in general. I really do enjoy walking around downtown in the cold trying to find gifts that I like for everyone. The Christmas lights, the trees, the chaos – all good.

This year, I’m not liking much of any of that, or much else. I think it’s partially just a matter of not remembering last year clearly, but the holidays seem worse this year. I don’t sleep well and I don’t find much that entertains or even distracts me. A third wheel, wherever I go, is my new normal experience. I’m lucky to have a great job, people here that take care of me, great neighbors that help, and great family that helps. But none of that is what I miss when I’m in a room full of others or a house full of nothing but me and the kids.

As stupid as it is, pretty much the only time over the past several months when I can look back and say all was well was at a MU football or basketball game. I’d be in the stands, watching a happy number of Tiger victories. Sarah wouldn’t typically be beside me in those circumstances, so it’s as close to normal as I can get.

It’s not miserable, just cold and lonely. Winter, I guess they call it. I’ll try to put lights on our house this weekend, which will cheer everyone up some. We’ll move onward, the passing days will further spur me into action as we head toward Christmas parties, the lots of gifts I need to buy, and the fun of watching the kids on their (many many many) Christmases. We’ll be in Houston for a few days – the Tigers’ bowl game and New Years in Texas will add some nice variety. And on we go.

The next post will be cheerier. On a side note, screw ku.

We now have a slideshow, music, and photos from this summer’s Everything Changes benefit concert and auction available.  The slideshow and 17 songs from the event are available (separately) as free downloads.   We ask that you consider a donation to RMCCF.

In addition to the slideshow, we’re also making photos from the event available for purchase.   Thanks to Kent Meireis Photography both for his services that night and for allowing us to sell the photos.  All proceeds from photo sales will also be donated to RMCCF.

All the above is available here, along with several YouTube videos from the night.

Links to the items separately are below:

Donate to RMCCF
View Slideshow
Download Slideshow
Download CD
Buy Photos

The final home contest of the year is upon us, sad to say, with our beloved Tigers taking on the Iowa State University Cyclones.  USClones has officially been added to the approved list of making fun of them nicknames, once they copied their uniforms directly from USC.   There also appears to be some USC uniform equilibrium act, as USC has gotten worse since that time while the USClones have seemingly improved.

Kickoff is at 1:07 pm, we’ll be at the tailgate by 10:30 or so.  I think food will be extremely limited this week, as we’ll encourage everyone to go inside early to send off the seniors on their final home game.  The full list of 15 Tiger Seniors is listed below.  Danario and SPOOOOOOOOOON are the highlights, of course, but great contributors on the entire list.  Most importantly, for the second year in a row, all the seniors have either already graduated (3) or are scheduled to by May 2010.   That will make 39 of the last 39 seniors, which stands in quite a contrast to some (cough: ku.  Cough: academic fraud).

Speaking of making fun, I much appreciate opposing fans and teams making it easy on me, as I’ve been lacking this year.   First it was the video of A&M yell leaders scarring the poor name of ice cream truck drivers everywhere with this performance.   Shortly thereafter, Sooner fans showed their, um, selves, with a highly choreographed youtube sensation.   Beakerville has also provided plenty of targets.  Literally, with one of their basketball players shooting people with a pellet gun last year.  The previously mentioned fights between ku football and basketball players were also entertaining.

However, there is no bigger target than ku football and their main Mangino.  The big (big big) dude evidently poked one of their football players in the chest, causing quite a stir.  Huge amounts of whining have commenced, most seemingly at the invitation of their athletic director, who is seeking out players to tell him how awful Mangino is.   Fun, fun times.   Especially when considering the athletic director now seemingly intent on firing the MAN gave him a fat raise on the same week it was announced the football coaches had committed academic fraud.

Here are the seniors, go inside early and cheer for them.  On a side note, screw ku.

81          Danario Alexander        WR         Marlin, Tx
96          Jaron Baston               DT         Blue Springs, Mo
2            Brian Coulter               DE         Baker, La
43          Jon Gissinger               TE         San Diego, Cal
78          Kurtis Gregory              OL         Blackburn, Mo
33          Levi Hamilton               TE         Rolla, Mo
36          Jake Harry IV               P          Cardiff-by-the-Sea, Cal.
15          Del Howard                  S          Dallas, Tx
92          Andy Maples                DT        Lester, Ala
91          Tanner Mills                 PK        Columbia, Mo
4            Jared Perry                 WR        La Marque, Tx
4            Hardy Ricks                 S          St. Louis, Mo
63          Ryan Schleusner           OL        Maryville, Mo
6            Shawn Scott               TB        St. Louis, Mo
12          Sean Weatherspoon      LB        Jasper, Tx

Sarah’s monument was installed on Saturday.  Early indications are everyone is pleased.  Below are pics for those not in Columbia. A video of the monument and area is here.

Sarah’s monument is scheduled to be installed Saturday morning.  The folks from the monument company will drive from Memphis on Friday afternoon, then start working first thing Saturday morning.  Since it’s a football weekend, my tailgating routine will also be going.  I’ll get up about 7:00, go to the store and pick up whatever else I need, then go set up the tailgate.

Since I can see Sarah’s grave from our house and backyard, I’m guessing the first thing I’ll see Saturday morning when I get up is them starting to work.  Whether that’s true or not, I’ll certainly go out there Saturday morning in the brief period between setting up the tailgate and going back to the tailgate.  So, I should be a ball of fun for the game.  Throw in that it’s a work tailgate, which I generally don’t enjoy any where near as much and yay football.

I’m also surprisingly ambivalent about the monument being put in place.  I have a solid 100 emails on the subject over the past 16 months.  I’ve drawn and revised and approved and nodded and signed on all of it.  I was anxious to have it done this time a year ago, but now I’m mostly of the opinion that it doesn’t matter.  I already know there are things I’d do differently, even before I’ve seen it.  I’m worried that it’s so big that it’ll look obnoxious.   Mostly, though, I’m sure, is just that it’s a very obvious reminder of the situation and the permanence of it.

We’ve also long known that the fence in our backyard is set too far into the cemetery, meaning they own some of “our” backyard.  Unfortunately, they’ve decided now is a good time to move that fence.  I don’t blame them and they’re doing nothing wrong, but it still sucks to lose part of what’s effectively been the backyard of our property for the past 70 years or better.  And then of course I’d underestimated how much was actually their property.  And they’re going to put the same old ugly fence back up.  Yay cemetery.

Lack of transition, we had a great trip to Colorado last weekend.  The kids went snow sledding for the first time, which made me realize how awful it was that I’d never taken them sledding before.  Stupid things like that hit me harder than they should, as it seems we’re not able to just have random fun very often.  Every day is a schedule, a routine that leads to bed time, which doesn’t leave much time for art projects, playing with moon sand, riding bikes, or going snow sledding.  I know they each have fun at school, so they’re doing OK, I’d just also like them to have fun at home.  I’m able to plan fun, but spontaneous fun doesn’t happen much for them, I’m sad to say.

Further randomness, when we first moved back to Columbia from San Antonio, my office at Columbia College was the only one in the entire building I was in.  So, I’d go for hours on end, days occasionally, without seeing or talking to anyone other than saying hello.  It was weird and after a few weeks I felt like I was losing my ability to function in social settings.   The past year has felt much the same way on a personal level, as most of my time is either spent discussing work, talking to the kids, or sitting in silence.  It’s made stupid things, like writing my unfunny tailgate emails, harder to do.  And the sitting in silence provides way too much time for thinking, to the point where I feel numb much of the time when I’m home and the kids are in bed.  So I turn on the TV or play stupid games on my phone (or check facebook and twitter), all things that clearly improve communication and awaken from numbness.

Positive closing, I’m thankful for those in Denver that helped us take that trip, for the Tigers winning football games again, and the things that make me laugh — stupidity-proof helmets, pole dancers, idiotic direct deposit questions, purple things, and the majority of the state to our west, for example.

Mizzou takes on the Baylor Bears this Saturday at 1:00 p.m.  It’s a work tailgate again this week, with Hoss’s Market again providing the food.  Adelaide’s favorite meal, brunch, is the fair.  Food will be served beginning at 10:30, hope to see you and yours there.  I’m not sure why I scheduled the food to arrive at 10:30, except that I knew I’d be there by then I guess.

Baylor gave the Tigers considerably more of a fight than expected in Waco last year, but unfortunately their best player is out for the season with an injury.  We shall beat them badly as a result, moving to 2-0 in the new winning part of the season, another small step toward the 5-0 finish before heading to the Big 12 Champeenship game at Jerryworld in Dallas.

I’m headed to the dentist momentarily, so humor will be limited to beaker antics.  After earlier reports of beakers hating each other (football and basketball teams fighting), the love pendulum may have swung a bit too far the other direction with the beaker basketball stars.   Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Um, screw ku.