Jason's Untimely Thoughts

I haven’t posted any original thoughts here in a while (ever? Shut up.). I seem to have writing dry spells when I’m feeling bad, which is certainly part of what’s going on now. It’s also undeniable that writing can improve my mood, so here goes.

We’re exceptionally busy at work. By “we”, I mean them. My routine is pretty much to show up about 9:00 and leave absolutely no later than 5:01 due to kids, schools, etc. Work is an odd place this time of the year, with people routinely working 15 hours a day (or more), 6 or 7 days a week during the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. While I’d not normally have done that much, it wouldn’t at all be unusual for me to come back after dinner and work until early in the morning helping in some trivial way. Not able to do that now, of course, which should translate to more sleep, but instead mostly translates into me feeling more lost than I like about what’s going on.

On the home front, both Jack and Adelaide fought through the chicken pox recently. His case was visually pretty mild, although the itchiness at night certainly wasn’t, and just lasted a couple of days. I thought Adelaide was in the clear, only to eventually miss 4 or so days of school with a much more traditional case of the pox. Extreme itchiness and lots of spots was followed up by lots of extreme boredom. They each are anxiously awaiting Christmas and would like “one of those” from whichever commercial was just on.

There were dueling Christmas parties at their schools today. The preschool Christmas party pretty much consisted of them building an obstacle course and having two tables for crafts. Here kids, go play, which the preschoolers loved. Adelaide’s was a recital with the two first grade classes combining for about 6 songs with a few speaking parts mixed in. She did well, which was never in doubt. The assistant principal told her after rehearsal that she was the loudest one (in the speaking parts). It was fun to watch them perform and enjoy it.

Personally, I used to really like this time of the year. I liked being crazy at work, dealing with whatever madness ensues after asking 130+ people to work 80+ hours a week for a few weeks in a row. I liked the confluence of football and basketball seasons, going to all of that. And I liked Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s in general. I really do enjoy walking around downtown in the cold trying to find gifts that I like for everyone. The Christmas lights, the trees, the chaos – all good.

This year, I’m not liking much of any of that, or much else. I think it’s partially just a matter of not remembering last year clearly, but the holidays seem worse this year. I don’t sleep well and I don’t find much that entertains or even distracts me. A third wheel, wherever I go, is my new normal experience. I’m lucky to have a great job, people here that take care of me, great neighbors that help, and great family that helps. But none of that is what I miss when I’m in a room full of others or a house full of nothing but me and the kids.

As stupid as it is, pretty much the only time over the past several months when I can look back and say all was well was at a MU football or basketball game. I’d be in the stands, watching a happy number of Tiger victories. Sarah wouldn’t typically be beside me in those circumstances, so it’s as close to normal as I can get.

It’s not miserable, just cold and lonely. Winter, I guess they call it. I’ll try to put lights on our house this weekend, which will cheer everyone up some. We’ll move onward, the passing days will further spur me into action as we head toward Christmas parties, the lots of gifts I need to buy, and the fun of watching the kids on their (many many many) Christmases. We’ll be in Houston for a few days – the Tigers’ bowl game and New Years in Texas will add some nice variety. And on we go.

The next post will be cheerier. On a side note, screw ku.

We now have a slideshow, music, and photos from this summer’s Everything Changes benefit concert and auction available.  The slideshow and 17 songs from the event are available (separately) as free downloads.   We ask that you consider a donation to RMCCF.

In addition to the slideshow, we’re also making photos from the event available for purchase.   Thanks to Kent Meireis Photography both for his services that night and for allowing us to sell the photos.  All proceeds from photo sales will also be donated to RMCCF.

All the above is available here, along with several YouTube videos from the night.

Links to the items separately are below:

Donate to RMCCF
View Slideshow
Download Slideshow
Download CD
Buy Photos

The final home contest of the year is upon us, sad to say, with our beloved Tigers taking on the Iowa State University Cyclones.  USClones has officially been added to the approved list of making fun of them nicknames, once they copied their uniforms directly from USC.   There also appears to be some USC uniform equilibrium act, as USC has gotten worse since that time while the USClones have seemingly improved.

Kickoff is at 1:07 pm, we’ll be at the tailgate by 10:30 or so.  I think food will be extremely limited this week, as we’ll encourage everyone to go inside early to send off the seniors on their final home game.  The full list of 15 Tiger Seniors is listed below.  Danario and SPOOOOOOOOOON are the highlights, of course, but great contributors on the entire list.  Most importantly, for the second year in a row, all the seniors have either already graduated (3) or are scheduled to by May 2010.   That will make 39 of the last 39 seniors, which stands in quite a contrast to some (cough: ku.  Cough: academic fraud).

Speaking of making fun, I much appreciate opposing fans and teams making it easy on me, as I’ve been lacking this year.   First it was the video of A&M yell leaders scarring the poor name of ice cream truck drivers everywhere with this performance.   Shortly thereafter, Sooner fans showed their, um, selves, with a highly choreographed youtube sensation.   Beakerville has also provided plenty of targets.  Literally, with one of their basketball players shooting people with a pellet gun last year.  The previously mentioned fights between ku football and basketball players were also entertaining.

However, there is no bigger target than ku football and their main Mangino.  The big (big big) dude evidently poked one of their football players in the chest, causing quite a stir.  Huge amounts of whining have commenced, most seemingly at the invitation of their athletic director, who is seeking out players to tell him how awful Mangino is.   Fun, fun times.   Especially when considering the athletic director now seemingly intent on firing the MAN gave him a fat raise on the same week it was announced the football coaches had committed academic fraud.

Here are the seniors, go inside early and cheer for them.  On a side note, screw ku.

81          Danario Alexander        WR         Marlin, Tx
96          Jaron Baston               DT         Blue Springs, Mo
2            Brian Coulter               DE         Baker, La
43          Jon Gissinger               TE         San Diego, Cal
78          Kurtis Gregory              OL         Blackburn, Mo
33          Levi Hamilton               TE         Rolla, Mo
36          Jake Harry IV               P          Cardiff-by-the-Sea, Cal.
15          Del Howard                  S          Dallas, Tx
92          Andy Maples                DT        Lester, Ala
91          Tanner Mills                 PK        Columbia, Mo
4            Jared Perry                 WR        La Marque, Tx
4            Hardy Ricks                 S          St. Louis, Mo
63          Ryan Schleusner           OL        Maryville, Mo
6            Shawn Scott               TB        St. Louis, Mo
12          Sean Weatherspoon      LB        Jasper, Tx

Sarah’s monument was installed on Saturday.  Early indications are everyone is pleased.  Below are pics for those not in Columbia. A video of the monument and area is here.

Sarah’s monument is scheduled to be installed Saturday morning.  The folks from the monument company will drive from Memphis on Friday afternoon, then start working first thing Saturday morning.  Since it’s a football weekend, my tailgating routine will also be going.  I’ll get up about 7:00, go to the store and pick up whatever else I need, then go set up the tailgate.

Since I can see Sarah’s grave from our house and backyard, I’m guessing the first thing I’ll see Saturday morning when I get up is them starting to work.  Whether that’s true or not, I’ll certainly go out there Saturday morning in the brief period between setting up the tailgate and going back to the tailgate.  So, I should be a ball of fun for the game.  Throw in that it’s a work tailgate, which I generally don’t enjoy any where near as much and yay football.

I’m also surprisingly ambivalent about the monument being put in place.  I have a solid 100 emails on the subject over the past 16 months.  I’ve drawn and revised and approved and nodded and signed on all of it.  I was anxious to have it done this time a year ago, but now I’m mostly of the opinion that it doesn’t matter.  I already know there are things I’d do differently, even before I’ve seen it.  I’m worried that it’s so big that it’ll look obnoxious.   Mostly, though, I’m sure, is just that it’s a very obvious reminder of the situation and the permanence of it.

We’ve also long known that the fence in our backyard is set too far into the cemetery, meaning they own some of “our” backyard.  Unfortunately, they’ve decided now is a good time to move that fence.  I don’t blame them and they’re doing nothing wrong, but it still sucks to lose part of what’s effectively been the backyard of our property for the past 70 years or better.  And then of course I’d underestimated how much was actually their property.  And they’re going to put the same old ugly fence back up.  Yay cemetery.

Lack of transition, we had a great trip to Colorado last weekend.  The kids went snow sledding for the first time, which made me realize how awful it was that I’d never taken them sledding before.  Stupid things like that hit me harder than they should, as it seems we’re not able to just have random fun very often.  Every day is a schedule, a routine that leads to bed time, which doesn’t leave much time for art projects, playing with moon sand, riding bikes, or going snow sledding.  I know they each have fun at school, so they’re doing OK, I’d just also like them to have fun at home.  I’m able to plan fun, but spontaneous fun doesn’t happen much for them, I’m sad to say.

Further randomness, when we first moved back to Columbia from San Antonio, my office at Columbia College was the only one in the entire building I was in.  So, I’d go for hours on end, days occasionally, without seeing or talking to anyone other than saying hello.  It was weird and after a few weeks I felt like I was losing my ability to function in social settings.   The past year has felt much the same way on a personal level, as most of my time is either spent discussing work, talking to the kids, or sitting in silence.  It’s made stupid things, like writing my unfunny tailgate emails, harder to do.  And the sitting in silence provides way too much time for thinking, to the point where I feel numb much of the time when I’m home and the kids are in bed.  So I turn on the TV or play stupid games on my phone (or check facebook and twitter), all things that clearly improve communication and awaken from numbness.

Positive closing, I’m thankful for those in Denver that helped us take that trip, for the Tigers winning football games again, and the things that make me laugh — stupidity-proof helmets, pole dancers, idiotic direct deposit questions, purple things, and the majority of the state to our west, for example.

Mizzou takes on the Baylor Bears this Saturday at 1:00 p.m.  It’s a work tailgate again this week, with Hoss’s Market again providing the food.  Adelaide’s favorite meal, brunch, is the fair.  Food will be served beginning at 10:30, hope to see you and yours there.  I’m not sure why I scheduled the food to arrive at 10:30, except that I knew I’d be there by then I guess.

Baylor gave the Tigers considerably more of a fight than expected in Waco last year, but unfortunately their best player is out for the season with an injury.  We shall beat them badly as a result, moving to 2-0 in the new winning part of the season, another small step toward the 5-0 finish before heading to the Big 12 Champeenship game at Jerryworld in Dallas.

I’m headed to the dentist momentarily, so humor will be limited to beaker antics.  After earlier reports of beakers hating each other (football and basketball teams fighting), the love pendulum may have swung a bit too far the other direction with the beaker basketball stars.   Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Um, screw ku.

I took Jack, Adelaide, and a friend of hers to the Miley Cyrus concert last night in St. Louis.  The kids had been extremely excited about it for a few weeks now.  Jack wasn’t originally going to go, but after Adelaide exhausted invitations to all her friends that we thought might be able to go, she finally relented and asked him.

My mom rode from Columbia to St. Louis with us, she’d stayed in Columbia after the football game to watch Adelaide who had been sick.  We turned on the “Miley drive” songlist from my phone and the kids sang and played all the way to St. Louis.  We did hear a few times, thought, that the drive wasn’t as fun as they thought it would be.

At the concert, we were early so got in easily.  Grabbed some souvenirs, with the mighty assistance of a credit card, then went to our seats in Section 314.  Up high, but 2nd row, not too bad.  Went to the nearest concession stand where we came away with 4 cheeseburgers, 3 lemonades, and a large Pepsi, again with the mighty assistance of a credit card.  Returned to our seats in 314 and ate, only spilling a couple of the drinks in the process.

A few minutes after finishing, a friend at the show texted wondering where we were sitting.  I told her, but for some reason grabbed the tickets out of my pocket again.  Oops, we were supposed to be in 317, not 314, the altitude must have impacted my reading comprehension.  So, packed up and moved to 317, sorry about the spilled Pepsi and lemonade, whoever came next!

We had a minute-by-minute countdown to 7:00, when the show was supposed to start.  After the (awful awful awful) opening band, everyone headed to the bathroom.  Um, there are a lot of females at this show, the line is stretching out forever, I can’t help them much, and Jack might be close to having an accident.   The girls insist they’re fine, some nice lady offers to keep an eye on them as the line moves, so off Jack and I go.  About 10 minutes later, the girls finally emerge ready for Miley.

I’m sure the kids all thought Miley was excellent… they sang, danced, sang, danced, yelled, sang, and danced.  All in all, it was a fine show.

My thoughts, however, drifted…..

• Some moms clearly bought tickets and brought their kids just so they could get all dressed up and sing to Miley themselves.  Clearly.
• Some dads weren’t aware that dancing with the crowd of 10-12 year old girls, even if one of them is your daughter, looks creepy.
• Miley either needs to wear longer clothes, stand farther from the edge of the stage, hire considerably taller cameramen, or all three.

The kids really did have a great time, but Sarah should have been there too, was mostly where my mind drifted.

After the show, we go back out to the van, I’m extremely impressed at how quickly we’re getting out of there.  Load everyone up, lean their seats back so they can go to sleep, pull out of there at about 9:30.  I go through a stop sign, no problem.  I go through the next stop light, turn left, hit the accelerator, hear a THUMP, from the back of the van.  Followed by “Dad, I fell over” in a surprisingly calm voice.

I finish the turn, look in the mirror, don’t really see Jack anywhere.  I pull over immediately, look back, he’s laid back like an astronaut prepared for takeoff, still buckled into his carseat into the main seat, like it’s no big deal.  The girls start to laugh immediately.  Instead of leaning his seat back, evidently I initially unlatched, so the seat could flip over.  Could, and in fact, did.   We laughed as hard as we could without making him think we were laughing at him.  A quick fix, back on the road, all three kids asleep by 9:45.

It was a good time.  Much thanks to the grandparents for thinking of and buying the tickets.

Happy Homecoming, Tiger fans.  Father weather and mother nature have provided the required ingredients — a slight chill, pretty falling leaves, and rain, to accompany the other traditional homecoming happenings at Ol’ Mizzou.  Mizzou hosts the Longhorns from the University of Texas Saturday night, kickoff is scheduled for 7:00 p.m. to be broadcast on ABC.

Unless the monsoon picks back up on Saturday, I’d expect to be at the tailgate by 1:00 or so.  We have a variety of food coming — CJ’s wings, SEMO ribs, and Smitty meat — plus other things I’m sure, I wouldn’t expect much of that to be there until 4:00 or after.  Look forward to seeing the crowd of coming-homers.

After two losses that should have been wins, the Tigers will depart Faurot Field Saturday evening with a victory that was unexpected, even by both of the optimistic MU football fans.  This will also be payback for the drubbing the Tigers received in Austin last year and another Big 12 North title will still be in the works.

My memories {clap} of that drubbing {clap} heavily involve {clap} a UT fan that {clap} sat in the visitors section {clap} with us last year {clap} in Austin.  As UT was {clap} scoring like crazy {clap} throughout the early {clap} part of the game, {clap} she clapped {clap} at a rhythm of about {clap} 40 claps per minute.  {clap} Even better, she {clap} was doing so {clap} directly in the {clap} left ear of one {clap} of our friends.  For the entire {clap} first quarter, {clap} at least, {clap} maybe the first {clap} half {clap}.  She was old, she and her Mizzou companions were otherwise certainly polite, we were in shock from one in our group’s stairwell-induced broken wrist, we were getting trounced, and she was old, so we left her alone.

Sometime long, long after it was clear there would be no Mizzou victory, a penalty was called on one of the Texas lineman.  I politely pointed out that he was a cheater.  Not just me, the referee was good enough to tell everyone in attendance, and also the national television audience, that this kid had broken the rules of the game.  Clearly, a cheater.  CHEATER!  #75 is a cheater!  (maybe not #75, but that’s what I seem to remember.)

The old lady UT fan tapped me on my shoulder 2 plays later.  “You know, sometimes, I wish I was a man,” she said.  Um, OK, I replied, to the crazy old clap lady.  “Cause, you know, if I was a man, I might say some mean things like you just said.”   I did my best to go back to leaving her alone, while she wasn’t as interested in leaving me alone.  I eventually had to actually use the words “I’m done talking to you” to try to get her to leave me alone.  Her {clap} rhythmic clapping {clap} (and all the booze) did {clap} dull my senses {clap}, though, to where I was {BOOM} perfectly able to sleep {BOOM} in our rented apartment {BOOM} on 6th Street {BOOM}.  Above {BOOM} one of {BOOM} 17 dance clubs {BOOM} on that block {BOOM} {BOOM} that {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} all {BOOM} {BOOM} stayed open {BOOM} {BOOM} until 3:00 {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM} {BOOM}.  Beat UT, screw ku.

So I’m at the dentist earlier this week and after the obligatory football talk, the first words my dentist says to me are “Do you chew on lemons?”  “No,” I replied, “what an odd way to start a conversation.  Do you ask everyone that?”  Why not “Do you put small bits of barbed wire in your underwear?” or “Are you still hitting young children with your car?”  I didn’t really offer those suggestions, but odd, no?

You know how awful it is when dentists or their assistants ask you questions while they have their hands stuck in your mouth?  Yes or no questions are annoying, but when they ask some open-ended nonsense, makes me question my judgment on why I’m allowing them anywhere near me with those whine-making tools.  How much more annoying do you think it’d be if they started asking questions about your spouse’s death?  If you answered 100 times more annoying, you’re not even close.  After the initial shock, it was fine, but wowsers.  (And if you’re reading this, dental assistant, I’m not mad or anything, they were simple, honest questions, it just shocked me initially.)

I’ve had a couple of reminders recently about people reading the blog.  I also occasionally still go back and re-read both the junk I’ve written and the many messages I’ve received.  Although it can be painful, it is healing in some weird way as well.  Oddly, some of the healing, I think, comes from the renewed pain. Like breaking through the scar tissue, maybe.  Or some other medical analogy that might be better suited.

I’m way way way not into anything medical related, which makes the health insurance reform yelling awesome.  Think the vast majority of those yelling have never lived through a major medical situation, with or without good insurance, so should shut up.  Go talk to those that have, talk to the doctors and nurses.  And by all means they should quit yelling.

We’re 2/3 of the way through our flu shots.  Adelaide had hers yesterday, mine was today, Jack’s will be on Tuesday.  Our physician’s office chose not to offer the H1N1 vaccination, which made me happy.  I was leaning against having them done anyway, everyone that worked in that office was also not having them done, so was a happy circumstance for me.

On cemetery news, Sarah’s monument should be set sometime in the next few weeks.  The foundation work has been done, now it’s just a matter of the company from Memphis finding a day or two to come up and complete the installation.  Not sure how I feel about that, except that I’ll be glad to not be dealing with it anymore.  Even before it’s set, I know there are a few details I’d change, but don’t think any of it matters a great deal (and wouldn’t to Sarah).

I seem to have several offers to go to tomorrow night’s game at Ok State, which I’m refusing thus far.  The drive and passing off of the kids have me hesitating.  We are going to Colorado for that game.  Well, I’m going to the game, the kids are going to Colorado for the trick-or-treating.

Finally, after earlier stories of the beaker football and basketball teams hating each other, we now have a story of the beaker football team and fans hating each other.  Hey beakers, go chew on lemons.

p.s.  Everyone should go watch this video of the landthieves’ fans embarrassing themselves.

Happy beat Nebraska week, Tiger fans.  MU hosts the Corn on Thursday, kick off is scheduled for 8:01 p.m. on ESPN.  Yes, really, 8:01 p.m.  Bryan Ninichuck and Todd Bennington of Wingate Pest Control fame will be handling the tailgate food, much thanks to them, call Wingate for all your pest control needs.  Roads around the stadium will be extremely chaotic, but will be shooting to be at the tailgate by 5:00 p.m.  A few will almost certainly be there before that.

Now a walk down memory lane…

The year was 2000, three of us went up to Lincoln for the Tigers game against Nebraska, my first visit to their Memorial Stadium.  Prior to this, my experience with Nebraska fans was mostly at CJ’s, where they were nice, much-fun, old people, maybe a little overweight.   We learned quickly that you couldn’t stand up for long, as the “maybe a little overweight” was an understatement and there literally wasn’t enough room for everyone to sit.  It was like musical chairs every time there was a good play, last one standing had to stay that way.

As for the game, Sarah was taking photos while Rib and I were in the stands for what was a relatively exciting game (Kirk Farmer broke his collar bone game). Afterwards, as the Nebraska fans strolled quietly out of the stadium, I asked a group of them what the deal was.  They’d just won a football game, for the love of God, but were acting like they were leaving the theatre after watching Schindler’s List.  Winning’s just not that big of a deal, was the reply.  “We expect to win these games” and just didn’t like the way they looked doing it.  Wow, I thought, what a bunch of arrogant, no-fun, old people.  Maybe a little overweight.

Fast-forward to 2003, some kid named Brad Smith led the Tigers to a 41-24 victory.  Sarah was in a plane taking photos beforehand and the early part of the game, she then lugged all her gear from Reactor Field to the press box in the rain to hustle down and take game photos.  My parents, Adelaide, and I sat in the press box.  A shocking 28-point 4th quarter broke open the game for the Tigers… I can still clearly remember the smell of the evergreen bushes being trampled by the students and fans as they rushed the field from the hill.  After the game we hung out for a long long time, celebrating the victory.  We went home, started to settle in, only to have the replay of the game come back on TBS at about 2:00 a.m.  Sarah & I sat there and watched it all again, both of us giddy at the entire thing.

Now to 2008, back in Lincoln, I walked out of the stadium in front of a couple of 28-ish year olds who were voicing their displeasure.  On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how they were used to winning and how “all these Missouri fans just don’t realize that we’re not used to watching us get beat this badly.  We just have never seen us get beat that badly.”  I politely pointed out that they should be used to it by now, as we’d beaten them almost exactly that badly the year before too.

This is the 11th consecutive MU-Nebraska game I’ve attended (1999-2009) and my 15th or so overall.  During that span, the contest has evolved from Missouri fans generally being happy not watching a blow-out, to closely contested games (kicked ball and I still think MU wins the game in Lincoln if Farmer doesn’t break a bone), to beating Nebraska 52-17 and 41-6 the past two years.  Blaine Gabbert was in the 6th grade or something the last time Nebraska managed to win in Columbia.  The last time their coach was in Columbia, Sarah took a picture of him precisely because he looked so ridiculous yelling at the referees.

Look how ridiculous he looks!

I don’t think MU will blow out Nebraska this time, but I do think next year’s team will be full of Tigers who are undefeated against the boys from Nowledge.  41-24 seems like another good score in this contest to me.

The Team of the 90s, The Big Red Machine from Lincoln, Nebraska…. Have fun with those memories, Corn.  The oddsmakers have installed the Nubs as slight favorites in this game.  Of course they also picked ILL to beat MU.    Here’s a video that shows the early part of the Mizzou > Nebraska evolution  (kicked-ball warning) http://www.rockmnation.com/2009/5/22/883591/zoudave-feels-it-coming-in-the-air

p.s.  Note how I didn’t mention the fat lady running over all out of breath to clap in my face and tell me we’d done a good job, they’d lost plenty of times too, in 2004 as I’m leaving their stadium, trying to make my way down the stairs around her; the dope Husker player who punched one of our fans in 2003; or the myriad of arrestees who littered Nub rosters over their good years while Coach Pinkel continues to stock the roster with top quality kids and beat Nebraska.

on a side note, screw ku.