Jason's Untimely Thoughts

I wrote the previous post July Sucks hurriedly and realized later that I’d been overly negative.  Perhaps naming it July Sucks wasn’t the best way to start.  I was writing mostly to write something, both for this space and the space in my head.  As I’ve said countless times, just putting the words down helps me organize my thoughts and move on.

Thinking about that post a bit more, though, plus a couple of conversations afterward leads to this one… where I flat out admit that things are going pretty well.  That’s especially true in comparison to this time a year or even 6 months ago.

For a long time (“long time” defined here as a period of between 2 hours and 10 months that seems to have lasted much longer than that) the simple acts of making sure we’d all eaten, bathed, gone to bed on time, and made it to school/work on time were enough to almost make me crazy.  Occasionally they did make me crazy.

My instinct and my need was to make as much of that a routine as possible.  Tried to provide some variety in the routine, but the routine itself was helpful to all of us, I think.  This is still true and explains why I’m willing to have a party full of people watch us freak out when we leave at 9:00, rather than continue on with them, because that’s way past bedtime for us.

That said, though, the weekday routine is really pretty old hat at this point.  There are still flare ups, melt downs, and side events, but generally we’ve got that covered.  (With great help from those that provide the variety within the routine.  This can’t be overstated.)

Not sure I’m making the point adequately, but that’s huge progress.  Even weekends, as down as I can get on those weekends without plans, we generally make it fine.  I still very much struggle personally with the days, nights, gatherings, and events that are supposed to be ‘fun’.  Mostly because they’re not all that fun for me.

I don’t mind at all answering almost any question from people I know, but dread answering questions from strangers.  I can clarify for as long as anyone cares to listen, but don’t really want to tell our story from the beginning.  The questions from people I know feel like honest conversation, which happens too infrequently due to time and circumstances.  The “dread” conversations don’t really happen that much at all, but the dread of them is still there.  Then those gatherings are still smack-me-in-the-ever-growing-forehead reminders of missing.

The day-to-day missing is easily coped with at this point (slight overstatement).  The reminders are the same, the view out the windows to the cemetery is the same, the self-pity and solitary loneliness have become habits that are handled well enough.   The gathering missing is just still too new.  The pauses in conversation where Sarah and I would seek each other out to compare notes, or trade off watching the kids, or just to make fun of whatever are what I’m unable to cope with well as of yet.  The pauses still happen, but the completion of the pauses does not.  This is still most clear, of course, when we hop in the minivan and drive off.  The passenger seat is full of junk instead of a passenger.

Everything I’ve described seems natural to me.  I don’t mean to be pretending to provide any insight, except into what I’m thinking.  I have no idea what the appropriate timeframe of any of it is, except that whatever seems right to us would have to be appropriate.  And that progress comes in lurches both forward and back.  (My 20-year high school reunion is coming up, wasn’t there someone nicknamed Lurch?)

Lurches included, progress is happening.  About this time last year I had a conversation with a friend about “getting through another hour”.  By that measure, progress is substantial.  I now tend to think more in terms of getting through this week.  At some point, maybe this time next year, we’ll simply forget to worry about getting through the week and the coping evolution will be nearer completion.

speaking of evolution, screw ku.

Not really, but it’s a weird month.  Especially odd since I’m saying it sucks, but I’ve had a few times that were a ton of fun.  My sister and her family were in from Switzerland for an extended stay — it’s always great to see them, even as brief as it was for us this time.  We see their kids in two-year intervals, so kind of growing up via time lapse.

I mixed in a trip to STL where I caught two Cardinals games with Kendel… not caught, as in I was the catcher, my rag arm doesn’t compare to Yadi’s.  But now that I think about it the seats were almost as good as his.  Had a chance to see friends from St. Louis one of those nights also, which was fun.  Plus heard about Ankiel’s naked sushi birthday party, so how can I say July sucks?

Guess, all in all, I’m not being fair to July.  Except for the absence of Mizzou sports, it doesn’t really suck more than any other month.  I’m just still wearing my denial sticker of grief pretty prominently, which is mostly what sucks.  Not willing nor ready for this to be how things are, which I’ve said often enough in this space that I’m sick of reading it.  And in still mostly selfish ways of why in the world do I have to worry about XX every day.  It’s stupid, but reality.

Jack has taken to telling me great lengthy stories about whatever happened whenever ago, commonly starting with “Remember a long long long long time ago when mommy was still died?”  It’s an awful way to start a story.  The one time I asked him if he could tell me a story about when mommy was around, he said he didn’t remember any.  Which was another awful story.

Recently, though, he told me he dreamed about mommy the previous night.  When I asked him to tell me about it, he said he didn’t remember much but did remember the dream about the spiders that were crawling all over him, complete with hand motions of spiders crawling everywhere and “swoosh swoosh swoosh” sound effects.  So, he’s successfully stopped me from asking about dreams for a while.

Adelaide is going to have her ears pierced soon, I think.  Plus a girl trip to STL for some shopping coming up.  Her hip, arm, hand, and sass were all shaking last night while telling a story.  She’s clearly six-and-a-half going on 17.

August approaches soon and brings in a bunch of friends for their 20th high school reunion.  I’m looking forward to seeing them and their children very much.

In football news…. PLEASE HURRY UP FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!  The Tigers are picked as low as 5th in the North by some publications, which I think is awesome.  In fact, I know a good place to have those predictions blown up very large for prominent placement in lockers, weight rooms, etc.  Naturally, I’m more optimistic.  Not saying 14-0 optimistic, but 12-2 seems approachable to me.  That’s right.

on a side note, screw ku.

My work email account has been down for the last 24+ hours.  It’s back now.

However, if you sent me anything there since about 11:00 am yesterday morning, I didn’t get it.  And it doesn’t seem likely that I’m going to.

One of the sites I’ve used (and that Mpix.com partners with) for Sarah’s photos just rolled out a new feature… testing here.

Mizzou Photos

Best of 2007 MU Football pictures

A year ago today we were in New Orleans, preparing for they days ahead.  Surgery was June 26, so we would have been doing MRIs and whatnot today.  It’s impossible to summarize the past year in any way that’s concise, witty, or insightful.   All I can say is the dramatic understatement that things were substantially better before, but have continued to improve since.  I guess it’s progress that I’m mostly not even all that angry about it anymore.

The entire situation would be a wreck without the wonderful assistance of our next door neighbors, all of them.  The addition of Megan to the mix has also saved me.  Public thanks to all of them, to the grandparents and aunts and uncles, and to the parents of Adelaide’s friends who have been so helpful this year.  Seriously, I’m not sure I could have made it this far without the help.

Work is going fine (the recession is over, spread the word).  Home life is steady, if not superior.  Adelaide made it through kindergarten with flying colors and with some new great friends.  Grant School is simply wonderful — the faculty, staff, students, and parents.  It is unquestionable that adding Stella and Anna to Adelaide’s circle (and the additional support of their families) helped her tremendously.  Long term that will be at least three good friends that will be visitable by bike ride.

Jack looks and acts about a year older than he is, mostly because that’s who he hangs around with at pre-school.  He’s there again this summer for 2 days/week, then will be there full-time in the fall, although he will be in a different class for the first time (he’ll be a Bear, not a Star, which seems appropriate).

Both kids are swimmers now, although JT is still limited to the shallow portion.  His swim routine is mostly grab pool toy, throw pool toy, swim to bottom to retrieve pool toy, repeat.  Adelaide had her hair re-pinked (thanks Tia), but combination of chlorine and sunshine de-pinked in less than a week.

Personally, I’m making progress.  For example, I can go out for a night of fun with friends without spending the next day/week feeling nothing but guilty.  Maybe by this time next year I’ll also be able to do that without spending the next day hungover too.   It’s still jacked up and I definitely have moments of massive frustration, but I’m either better able to cope, better able to recover, or better able to avoid.  I’m still not able to have many real conversations with many people, but generally that’s due to lack of time and opportunity.  Someone told me that I wouldn’t likely feel normal for at least a year.  They definitely got the “at least” part right… no idea when it will happen, or perhaps when I’ll come to the realization that the way I feel now is the new normal.

Every day in our house is a race to bedtime.  I don’t believe that’s substantially different than any other house with working parents and young children, but I sure didn’t notice it as much a year ago.  All of us being tired leads to all of us being grouchy which means we’re all better off if the kids go to bed.  A difference is probably my then continued avoidance of bedtime.  The quiet is nice.  The chance to finish whatever is nice.  But mostly the idea of going to the bedroom before being way past ready to go to sleep is still extremely unappealing.

I also have random fantasies about simply escaping.  There was a reason Tom Hanks’ character was Sleepless in Seattle, not Sleepless in Wherever they’d lived originally.  A different location with a new start can certainly seem appealing.  As can weekends spent elsewhere.  On that topic, our recent trip to Colorado was good for all involved.  Thanks again to Chris and all for the work and excellent results there.

Back to one year ago, July 7 will always be a memorable day, but it is not an anniversary in our house (I came to this realization after the Colorado trip).  I’ve long planned to give some money in Sarah’s name to a few charities, so July 7 will be a good time to complete that goal (another step toward recession being over, spread the word).  Otherwise, there will be no ceremony or special remembrances for us.  We continue to miss and talk about Sarah every day.  We will continue to miss her, to love her, and to talk about her, while hopefully continuing to make small steps of progress going forward from here too.

Thanks to all of you for the continued love and support along the way.  Go hug your friends and family.  and on a side note, screw ku.

Kudos to Chris Maupin and all who helped.  Everything Changes raised over $14,000 for the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers Foundation (a few items are outstanding, so final totals not quite ready).  Any interested can still make donations here.  Downloads from the event (music + pictures) will be available for a donation at a later date.

Some youtube videos of varying quality are available as follows:

• Lance Jungmeyer singing Everything Changes
• Confunkcius performinging Everything Changes
• Sonic Junkies singing Everything Changes (my video)
• Sonic Junkies singing Everything Changes (‘official’ video)
• Hazel Miller & Colonel Redbone singing Everything Changes/I’ll Take You There

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written anything here, so perhaps a bit redundant to say I don’t have much to say.  However, repetition is about all I’ve got going.  No new insights or awakenings.  The daily routine is the routine.

Jack turned 4 on June 9, with a bit of fanfare.  We had a very nice party for him at the hotel pool in Denver.  Much thanks to all that made that event.  Then followed up with an equally nice dinner in Glenwood Springs with family and almost family, where he and another boy put on a display of how 4-year old boys play (not to be confused with the video of 4-year old boys playing in Denver).

We returned home from Colorado to monsoon and home breakdown season.  Four trips to the hardware store have mostly made the garage door functional again.  A $220 pending repair resulted in a new dishwasher purchase.  The lake in our basement and the lack of sink in my bathroom remain stuck in the middle of the projects lists.  Oh well, maybe by the time I buy our next dishwasher.

This is the first ‘real’ week of summer vacation for us.  By us, I mean the kids I guess.  Although going to work at roughly 8:00 every day without worrying about who’s dressed or brush teeth besides myself seems a bit like a vacation.  10:30 bedtime last night will not become the norm, I hope.  A few day camps and such scattered in, but mostly just the kids at the house is the plan (and Jack in preschool some).

Jack had an impromptu fishing trip on Friday… pic of him + fish coming soon.  He’s also becoming more of a swimmer with each trip to the pool.  Expect full on swimming by end of the summer, I’d think.  Adelaide is on the verge of losing tooth #2 and is now a master bike rider.

One final update from me on Everything Changes, June 5, at The Soiled Dove in Denver.

You can purchase tickets for the event here.  If going, please buy your tickets soon before the event sells out.

The online auction is now available here.  There are currently 30 items available, including a couple of Sarah’s prints, some autographed Denver sports memorabilia, a Lionel Train set, Broncos tickets, a ski trip, an African Safari, and more.  Bids will be accepted online until the event starts and will continue to be accepted at the event that evening.  I think there are still a few items to be added, so check back (and bid!) often.

If you can’t attend, don’t find something you’d like to buy, or have done both but are still fighting the recession, donations to the event can be accepted here.

Everything Changes facebook page is here.

All proceeds benefit the Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers Foundation.

Thanks!

A day after writing that summer goals included teaching Adelaide to ride her bike, Adelaide learned how to ride her bike.  Summer goals revised to winning the lottery.

Video of one of Adelaide’s first rides.

Video of Jack riding his bike.

Video of Adelaide & Jack singing ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.

I’ve got a bit of writer’s block, work block, fun block going on.  No sun block, mostly because I hate it, but also because it’s been rainy.  But still lots of blocks.  Once upon a time I gave company wide advice that when you’re not enjoying things, if you simply make an effort to do better, the situation will improve and you’ll feel better about both yourself and your job.  I still believe that, but am having a hard time putting it into practice both personally and professionally.  And I have much less patience for stupidity and whining than normal, if that’s even possible.

The days/nights/weekends all run together for me now.  We are in a routine, probably to a bit of a fault, but that’s how it is.  Broken up the next two weekends with planned trip to the STL Zoo on Saturday and then Adelaide’s dance recital on May 16.

One of the reasons for my issues is no doubt the blocks of 7s and other important dates coming up.  Thursday marks 3 years from Sarah’s emergency surgery and diagnosis.  June 7 is her 37th birthday.   July 7 seems to be coming soon too.  Throw in our anniversary on May 30, Jack’s birthday on June 9, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and a trip to Colorado, and there’s quite a few things that should be happy that I’m sort of dreading over the next 2 months.  Even July 4, a day that should be fireworks and BBQs, am afraid that all I’ll remember is sitting in the stupid ‘nice’ OR waiting room watching a replay of the DC fireworks and making plans for this year.

The kids are going and growing.  Made small strides toward Adelaide learning how to ride her bike last night.  Jack is tall and lean at the moment, maybe because he still doesn’t really like to eat dinner all that much.  Summer goals will be to get Jack swimming and Adelaide riding that bike, but they’re doing great, really.

Adelaide has been invited to attend a reception at Boone County National Bank on Thursday, which I’ll attend also.  BCNB is “Partner in Education” with Grant School and commonly has artwork on display in their main facility.  Several from Grant were chosen to have their art displayed, so that will go up on Thursday and they’ll have a little snack session for fun afterwards.  I’ll post pictures too, I’m sure.

To lighten the mood, here’s a link to lots of trivial junk about the number 7.  For instance, it’s the number of spots on a common ladybug.  It is the smallest positive integer to be spoken with two syllables when pronounced in English.  The number of heavens in Islamic tradition.  And so on.